My partner has depression and it just plain sucks.

[BellaCata]

I have known my other half for 20 years. We grew up together and then grew a part for a while, both went away for about 5 years led completely different lives and came back together.

We have been living together for two and a half years and things consistently go up and down. The last few months (around 4-6) have been about the worst. Mr Magoo has just been in a slump despite me begging and asking him to go get help, to talk to someone-anyone, this still hasn't happened.

We went from a two income household to one. My work hours have gone through the roof, I have been doing everything I can to keep us afloat so he doesn't have to work and can take sometime to heal. Only to come home and be told off for not listening, or being to tired too chat. I know he needs me, perhaps even misses me, but when I have just come off a twelve hour shift can't there be just five minutes of lee-way?

Recently he told me that he pretty much dislikes being around me, how can the one person in his life who is truely supposed to love him not even know him at all. Probably cause I never listen....

I don't know, there isn't even much point to what I am trying to say. Just venting I suppose.

On his bad days he isolates himself- but not from our roommates- just from me.

He once said that sometimes yelling at me, is like yelling at himself and he can do it because I understand- and to a degree I do, but I am beginning to feel very isolated despite living with three other people.

he is clearly struggling and needs help. I know that, but how do you make someone seek help when it's the last thing that they want to do?

What is the best way to deal with the bad days?

[blondguy]

Hi BellaCata and Welcome to the BB Community

It can be very tough to be with someone that is unwilling to seek help to recover. The first step towards healing himself is for him to visit his GP. Without this happening the chances of his health improving are minimal

If I may ask....has he been diagnosed with Depression?

You are also carrying all the responsibilities and working very hard to do so. Even with having depression I would think I was rather selfish by not seeking help and having my partner pay all the bills.

A person with depression doesnt have the right to be treating you the way he does. The yelling...verbal abuse..criticism is not on and depression is not an excuse in any way.

The only ways to really deal with the bad days are for you to see a doctor and let her/him know what you are going through...That would be a good start

I hope he can be mature enough and seek help as soon as he can.

Kind Regards

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi BellaCata. The depression your partner has is pretty debilitating, so is his treatment of you. I agree with Paul, the sooner he admits to and gets help, the better for both of you. When we get depressed, it's sometimes easier to lash out at those we're supposed to love, than it is to admit we're sick and need help. Paul may disagree here, but a lot of men (not all men), grow up believing depression is not sickness, just sissy. Men are not supposed to 'give in' to any form of illness. I would get along to your Dr and see if there's some way your partner can be helped. Maybe downloading some of the depression symptoms from this site and leaving them for him to read, may get him to admit he needs help. I don't know how old you are, but age does come into this 'men don't get sick' belief. His snapping and verbal abuse is his way of covering up his illness. It doesn't make it right, but until he is ready to ask for help, you may have to take a bit of a firm stand and 'switch off'. I realize that's hard, you love him, but his illness is destroying you. I would also perhaps try to distance yourself slightly when his abuse starts. Definitely go to your Dr and ask him/her the best way to cope.

Lynda.

[geoff]

hi BellaCata, well this is always a difficult situation trying to get your partner to seek help, when all they want to do is use you as a bouncing board, which reallyu isn't going to help him, but what it can do is to make you breakdown yourself, working all the hours you do, and I'm sure that you have to cook, clean and do the shopping, whow, that's an enormous amount of work to achieve, without much or any thanks.
People in depression can make statements that they don't really mean, it's the depression making him do this, as hard as it may sound to you, but in depression he is not himself and far from being just him.
That's good saying all of this but it doesn't help you or him in this current situation.
I wonder if you can talk to one of his mates, but only if they too agree that he is not well, and can see how this illness has changed his personality and making him do things that he wouldn't normally do, but if he doesn't notice any difference then it's a waste of time.
For someone who doesn't want any help or refuses to see someone is pretty much a person in denial, even though they may know that something is wrong and could be suffering from depression, they refuse to accept that anyone can be of any help but bombbard you with wanting to talk, but this could not be about why he is feeling down and could be about something trivial, none of this is going to help him.
Your exhausted day in day out and just want some piece and quiet, but he will annoy you to the point where an argument will start, which will be detrimental for the both of you, which is what I'm worried about is that you find it all too much.
Sometimes when partners leave their depressed partner because they won't get help could be a reason for him to get help, I can't say it will, but if you can stay somewhere with a friend or family member so that you can get some rest might be a good idea, as this could start his process and go and see his doctor.
If the three other people you live with are his mates, then I would suggest that move away for a short time or see how it goes, because I feel as though you need to have a health checkup yourself by your doctor.
Iwould really love to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Lightness]

I feel for you and have a similar situation although I have gotten my partner to finally agree to some counselling. In the end I had to use a bit of tough love and admit that I could not keep going this way - I needed to see him at least trying to push through the 'nothingness'. It is so hard when the person is not motivated to help themselves or feels worthy enough. You have to look after yourself though as I am now trying to do otherwise you become depleted and have nothing left to give.