My partner blames his depression on me

[Onesss]

Hi, I am a little stuck with what I should do. My partner is suffering from deep depression and anxiety and when he is in a bad way he blames it all on me saying I don’t know how to uplift him and putting up with someone who isn’t supportive is the hardest thing he has to do, and says that I have no common sense about life and that makes him nervous because how can he be with someone who can’t help or protect us in the future (we have been together 6 years) ... as I’m typing this I am making him sound awful and I admit that it can be but maybe I am not doing or saying the right things to help ? he is the type of person who keeps to himself and I’m all he has, when I try to get him to do things to get out and about he says why do I want to be like everyone else on social media etc.. he is a very fit person physically but his mentally is a different story.. I don’t know how to say the right thing to help him see better things in life... I’m really struggling because his depression is being taken out on me emotionally and I’m become too tired to try and then it just goes in a circle back to me not knowing what to say and being unable to help him when really I’m just tired because I have tried and he doesn’t see or listen

[smallwolf]

hi and welcome to the forums.

sounds like you are unable to do anything right - at least in eyes of your partner. 😞

and you can also be effected by his feelings as well. A person with the depression and anxiety can take the smallest thing and bring it front and center. So the way you described him is likely true from your perspective at this point in time.

There are resources the beyond blue web site here ...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

I might ask what he means by "uplifting him". You can listen, and show empathy but that won't make it all go away and make everything better for him.

when my dad had some issues in recent years, and mum would go with him to the GP .... their GP always asked mum how she was coping. It was not the case the dad was intentionally making it difficult. Mum was getting frustrated with a number of things - sort of second hand problems.

it is also ok if you decided to get professional help for yourself ... in finding ways to cope with your situation. He may also see what you are doing and follow your lead. And perhaps each time you listen to him, you might be able to suggest it is useful to speak to someone else as well?

Tim

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think he is expecting too much if you. I assume you are not a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor or GP? If so then how can you support him in the manner of which he desires?

There is some level of expectation that a sufferer could have of a carer- being there is one of them, a hand on the shoulder when he cries and a cuppa to help break his dwelling of things on his mind are examples. But to constantly fall short and face blame is unfair and is in my view a reason to seek family counseling. Try Relationships Australia.

Also Google

Beyondblue topic talking to men- some tips

Beyondblue topic relationship strife-the peace pipe


TonyWK

[ecomama]

Dear Onesss

I agree with everything smallwolf and Tony WK have written.

I also think your H is placing too much on you by way of his expectations of you healing him completely?

Depression and anxiety can manifest in many different ways. When they get to this point, it's clear they need far more help than a spouse can provide.
Is he linked in with a MH Professional?
Or more than 1?

I think he's taking his own frustrations out on YOU and you are not the problem. You are being as supportive as you know how, even twisting yourself in knots and coming on the BB forums to get support for you to support him better.

YOU are doing a magnificent job!
He's extremely fortunate to have you!

I'm quite concerned about how you will cope long term also.
Supporting someone with Mental Health Issues is extremely taxing and sometimes very sad and all the rest.
Keeping YOU okay needs to be your Number 1 priority. I call it "oxygen mask on self first".

Please practice "self-care" at least daily!

The long and short of it all is that your H mental health conditions AND his recovery / healing / support modes are totally his responsibility.
Although I do believe that with a loving partner AND the sufferers "compliance", the road is more tolerable and even more possible. Not sure about that but it makes sense to me that that's the case.

You're amazing.
Love EM

[geoff]

Hello Onesss, can we offer you a warm welcome.

I agree with those above me 'You can listen, and show empathy but that won't make it all go away and make everything better for him' as Tim has said plus what Tony and EM have also mentioned, and it's so easy for someone suffering from depression and anxiety to blame the person they're living with, but this is slightly different to when other couples disagree because a sufferer may always blame you, rather than other times it could sway from either side, one time you're to blame while other times its the reverse.

Even trying to involve him socially you feel baffled and resentful when your attempts aren’t well received and feel confused as to what you should be doing and normally it's impossible to get to first base and more concerning this affects how you are feeling, not only how to help him but how your mood in general is, stopping you from doing what you had intended to do.

What you need to do is seek counselling for yourself to build up the strength you maybe missing, in other words, what he replies back to you is going to disappoint you, but if you are strong then it won't affect you and will be able to cope.

If he has trouble concentrating and can’t get things done, maybe a problem affecting you and everyone else, and by talking with a doctor/psychologist, someone different may make him understand what's missing or solve the problem, it's not necessarily up to you at this stage to begin this help.

Best wishes.

Geoff.