My husband has depression

[Redy]

Good afternoon,

My husband and i have been together for 23 years next week.6 months ago my daughter and i had moved out because i couldnt deal with this anymore. Hes had been mentally ill for 2 years now and my husband has manic depression, bipolar and hes an alcoholic. He has been taking hes medication and going to GP regularly but this week he had replase with alcohol and and i told him he needs to work on getting him self better before we work on our relationship.

He is seeing a mental health Dr next week and he said he is going to beat this once and for all, which is great

My question is, i feel unwanted, that he doesn't love me anymore and too scared to tell me. I am going to stick by him 100% like i always have but how do i cope? How do deal with this? How do i be strong for me and my daughter? And what other ways can i be there for him?

Any advice would be great

Thanks

[Doolhof]

Hi Redy,

Welcome to the forum. It does sound like yo are in a place of confusion right now, wanting to assist and support your husband but not knowing how to do it.

It is good that your husband is seeking help. Maybe you can phone him or text him with encouraging messages. Ask how he goes at the Drs. Ask how he is going with the alcohol consumption and congratulate him if he manages a day without alcohol. We all need some encouragement.

It may be that right now your husband is having such a hard time looking after himself, he might not know how to be there for you as well. It does not mean he doesn't care or love you, it may just be that he is exhausted looking after himself right now.

Maybe give him a little time and see what happens. I know waiting is not easy!

Can you do special things for yourself to help boost your sense of self? Maybe buy some flowers for yourself, go out with your daughter somewhere new or to a favourite place, indulge in some hobbies or interests, have a massage if you like them, draw a picture or make something.

Would you be willing to have a coffee date with your husband? Or something similar? Find a place that does not serve alcohol.

I hope some of these ideas may help or might assist you to think of other things you can do right now.

Cheers from Dools

[Pebblez]

Hi Redy, allow me to encourage you that your man is doing brilliantly, it'll be a struggle to see past himself when he's depressed. The fact that he recognises his struggles, actively seeking help, taking meds and wants to beat it, is such a blessing. During low times, cope by consciously stepping back from the situation and realise he has the dark glasses on and it's not your husband. The thoughts, reactions, feelings, the things he says, are just the 'symptomatic husband' not the 'true husband'. If you're 'separate' from these situations, you can view them more realistically, so that you don't REACT negatively to his negative - as during these times, he is even more 'hardwired' to remember these reactions from you. By now you'll know his cycles and triggers, understanding these will help you manage your world, when to step back to view from the outside in, explain age-appropriately to your daughter so she understands and enable you to know the best time to ask "How can I help at this time? Is there anything I can do?"

So that you (and others who may be following this thread) know from where I stand: My husband of 22 years suffered from MDD between early 2013 to around mid 2018, I think it's lifted mostly now (I hope). Amongst other things, he was suicidal 2014-15. I moved out with my two daughters from Sep 2017 - Feb 2018 (5 mths - the longest of 3 stays at my parents). He hasn't loved me since May 2014 and has openly admitted it more than once. I feel this occurrence is a little more frequent than common thought and reasons behind it are numerous and varied. One of them perhaps is the reliant on love being a 'feeling' rather than a conscious 'decision'. Earlier on he was on meds twice, but because the dose was too low, he took himself off. I think he now cares, however he's not seeing any more doctors (tired of the talk), claims he doesn't need help, doesn't understand his issues or admits to them and continues to shut EVERYBODY out.

I follow the suggestions above, plus engage many others to love him - the Big Guy in the sky has made me a 'stayer' and I extend a hug of hope to you that our men are worth the fight.

Two secular songs for you: In My Blood – Shawn Mendes & I’ll Find You – Lecrae & Tori Kelly

Pebblez