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My husband has depression and we have 3 little children. I'm struggling.
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Hi, I'm new to this community. I'm looking for some advice on our situation. I've been married to my husband for 8 yrs. he's always suffered from depression and I finally got him to go on meds a few yrs ago and recently he's finally agreed to see a phsychologist. We have three beautiful children and one of them is autistic. I have recently also been diagnosed with depression despite never having any markers for it in my life until now. I believe this has happened because I have been consumed by my husbands depression over the years. I feel like I have totally lost my husband and the person he used to be, I care for his needs as much as possible as well as our autistic son and other two sons, I honestly am at breaking point. My husband is a constant yo yo of emotions and our children don't know whether he's Arthur or Martha! They don't have much of a relationship with him and especially our autistic son who is very senstive to his mood swings so he has shut himself off to his father to the point were he will not even say good night to him. My husband is devastated by it and I've tried and tried to talk to him about why but just shuts down himself. He is taking meds but also is an alcoholic and recreational drugs and also a smoker. I have been hurt so many times emotionally as he takes it out on me mostly and I do know it's the depression and I'm his safe person, but now it's to the point of that I just can't do it anymore and I see my children's faces when he's on a massive downer and they literally are walking on egg shells. I over compensate for them to try and shield them. This week he told me he said to his phsychologist that he feels like he doesn't even want to be with any of us anymore. finances are very tight for us atm and it stresses him out. I'm at the point now where I have been hurt so many times I'm now numb to him and am so unhappy and stress about my children and what they are exposed too with regards to his downers and temper. I don't know what to do. I love him dearly but he's has slowly just pushed me further and further away. I'm sad and hate the cycle of ups and downs and it's had a serious impact on me and our marriage. Our marriage is in major trouble and I honestly don't know how to get back. I have always supported him and what he needs by trying to keep things calm at home and organised and making sure his appointments are booked and be his therapist when he needs me.
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Hi Beautiful, and welcome,
I'm sure you will get many replies saying you must look after yourself first. Have you spoken to your GP about you? It is inevitable that you are feeling this way. How much can a koala bear, after all. So now you must make yourself a priority.
Does your husband know how you are feeling now? Sometimes it takes a huge jolt to start the climb out of depression. If he realises what is happening, it is possible that he might take a step up. I know that if I am 'enabled' to wallow, I will usually just let myself do this, cos I know that someone else has the reigns. If I know it is crunch time, then I can usually find some reserves to do something to make things different. If he can truly see & understand (perhaps in a moment of reality or 'the right moment') how you are struggling to cope, he might be able to help you in someway. It is possible that he might not be able to respond positively. It may be helpful for you to think of what, if anything, he can do to help YOU to feel better, or to just to help out in the family. Or is this something you will have to do for yourself. In an ideal world, you could work together, but...
Just a thought, have you ever sat in, or made a dual appt with his psych. Sometimes this can provide helpful insights for both people. Many couples here on BB do this and find it beneficial. If he has current appts, it might be the fastest way to get help for yourself, as well as helping him understand how you are feeling and vice versa.
It is perhaps beyond basic relationship counselling. It seems that you both need professional mental health assistance. Nothing wrong with that. It is complicated and your feelings have been brewing for a long time, so it will likely take time and professional guidance to understand and overcome these dark feelings.
If you can work out what your priorities are, and then at least do the basics towards looking after them. It can be hard to know what your priorities are when feeling down. It is also easy to let go of doing the basics when feeling so flat. Your mental health is both a priority and a basic.
I hope posting here will lighten the load and brighten your thoughts. You're not alone.
Lee.
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Depression does often pass from one person to another, especially when one person has been suffering from it for a long time, it has to unless you are so strong to avoid it and ignore it, but usually this doesn't happen because the effect is far too much, and this is unfortunately what you have developed.
Your life must be very busy, with your husband and then looking after the 3 kids, especially one who is autistic, however what is holding your husband back is the alcohol and drugs which is taking to try and self medicate, but while he does this then he can't rely on you to help him, simply because he won't be able to comprehend or remember what you have said.
Love is such a complicated word and it differs in meaning from when you first fall in love to when you are in a situation like you are in now, which maybe a caring love for him, but at times it's not strong enough to keep the family together, it's too exhausting with no real benefit to you or the kids.
Nothing will improve when he is self medicating, it will distant him with the kids and I feel as though he's using you just to pretend that he is trying to overcome his depression, but it's only a con, and nothing can happen until he stops drinking the alcohol and taking the drugs.
It is always sad when we lose a spouse to depression, but he has to understand that he has to want to overcome this illness, but if this doesn't happen then you have to make a decision that helps you and your kids to get a life back to how you want it to be. Geoff.x
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I couldn't read this and just pass on by. You sound like you have reached a crisis point and that your patience for the situation is waning. That is totally understandable, it can be exhausting keeping everything going and worrying about your spouse and your kids and its obviously taking a huge toll on you. I have a husband with depression and an aspie kiddo so there are some parts of your post I really identify with. I nearly hit my breaking point last year and my husband ended up in a mental health facility. He was angry, irritable, depressed, agitated, we were on eggshells and I hated it. It was horrible. His depression and burnout was gradual over time so it was like I forgot the man I married wasn't like that at all. We had a rough year but he has made very real progress and we have been to marriage counselling as he has stabilised. My husband recognised he was unwell and sought treatment, he had two inpatient stays and now has a good psychologist and a psychiatrist and GP - he is on a bit of a cocktail of medications but they are working. Prior to committing to recovery he had been self medicating with alcohol and cannabis to deal with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, it didn't work, made it a million times worse and he had to realise that. He has regular therapy, made lifestyle changes and does his very best to be there for our family (we have 2 boys). I love him and support him, my life isn't quite working out the way I expected but when we are a team I feel we can beat the depression together. My husband though needs to be responsible for himself, I cant make him better, I can just be there for him.
This might seem harsh but he is making choices right now which are not moving him in a direction toward wellbeing but making his depression worse and his family life miserable. He needs to take responsibility for this. You need to focus on yourself right now - do something to lift your own mood and refuel your emotional cup - do you have friends or a hobby or something that soothes you? I used to do jigsaw puzzles and have a bunch of flowers on my dining room table, small things to brighten my day. Also I made sure I got out of the house and spent time just with my kids at my parents or at the park or at friends, being in a constantly stressful home environment saps you of energy. With my kids I had them watch a you tube video of a reading of a book called the colour thief - about a dad with depression, they were a bit unsure when he went into the clinic but it really helped them understand it wasnt them and their dad wasnt choosing to be unwell.
I really hope your husband realises he needs to tackle this depression head on if he wants things to change, maybe you will be able to support and help him through it but as Geoff has said above the motivation must come from him. Keep in touch - many here will support and encourage you, I found it helpful to reach out during my dark times, even just typing out things helped xox
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