My Girlfriend has depression but I need help!

[IWOLFI]

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for help, advice or guidance.

Here’s my story:

My 31 y.o. partner has depression & anxiety, and has been diagnosed for about 10 years now. We’ve been together for the last 3 years and she’s always had her ups and downs, but in the last 6 months it’s gotten really bad. She’s been on meds which have now been increased and has just started seeing a therapist so hopefully that helps her too.

My problem it is really impacting our relationship. She is so absent all the time that I feel like I don’t have a partner at all, even though she is functional in the sense that she goes to work and is successful at what she does.

We don’t talk as she can’t articulate her thoughts or what she’s experiencing, there’s no ability/desire to plan for the future, there no intimacy or affection anymore, she is exhausted whenever she’s not at work so even though we spend time together every night she’s not actually ‘with me’ (if that makes sense).

I feel like I always have to be this perfect partner with all these expectations placed on me so I don’t make her feel bad or upset her or whatever, but I can’t have any expectations on her at all, she does things to hurt me when I’ve inadvertently done something wrong and sometimes even when I haven’t done anything at all, but is able to hold it together and treat everyone else fine, which hurts me a lot.

I know that this is all the depression and not her, and that she loves me, but I’m at the point where I am thinking about ending the relationship because I am no longer happy in it.

I haven’t stopped loving her & I don’t want to lose her but I feel like I already have and I just don’t think I have it in me to stay on this rollercoaster ride or that I have anymore to give. And that makes me feel like a crap person.

When we first met, she was self harming but she stopped and hasn’t done that for almost 2.5 years. She has also previously had thoughts of suicide but never made an attempt. She told me she was actually preparing to make an attempt the day she met me but meeting me stopped her. I’m not sure if she’s having those thoughts now or not due to the lack of communication, but I’m terrified that if I left she might harm herself.

I feel like I’m trapped and I’d really like to hear from anyone who has been through it or is still going through something similar. What do I do? Can I turn this around? If I stay am I just signing up for a lifetime of being unfulfilled in my relationship?

Thanks

[Doog]

Hi WOLFI,

I hope you are well, and whatever happens, you must always look to your own health and emotional wellbeing. Sometimes it is viewed as cruel to leave a relationship that seems to drain all your energy, whether that be a person who has become physically debilitated or psychologically unpredictable.

Remember you are not abandoning your own child, nor a relative. If someone you love becomes ill, it is very much your decision how to proceed. Being devalued even in the face of mental illness is toxic to your psyche and could cause untold damage to your mental health and how you perceive your self worth.

Yes partners with mental ill health will withdraw randomly. My son is only just turning 18 and his girlfriend 18 has had many changes over the last 2 years. She would refuse to go out, then she would go out and refuse to invite him to the same parties where she had a great time, despite being depressed a day earlier, then she would say he is not attentive enough because he went out with mates. She has made more than one suicide attempt with hospitalisation and a recent threat of suicide. I know they are only "kids" in comparison, but the situation was no less confusing for my son as it is for you, and no less traumatic for the girlfriend who experienced these fluctuations of emotions. It has also been traumatic for the parents of both.

We are currently trying to get my son to go back to Headspace for a set of counselling, because she blames him, and when being asked why he won't split from this relationship, his reply is "I don't want her to die".

So you see, the burden is the same across the board, all age groups. My mission is to convince him he is not responsible for anybody's decision of whether they wish to see another day. My wish for you is to seek someone to talk to professionally, so you can move on with your life with the knowledge and tools you need to make the final decision for you. It is never all about them. There are always two people in a relationship equally deserving of love, respect and recognition. Being ignored and given the cold shoulder treatment is no different to emotional abuse, even if you are supposed to believe there is a medical excuse. Talk to BeyondBlue over and over, I did, it helps. You will not feel so alone. Take care.