My (depressed/anxious-prone) partner wants to leave his new job... Again...

[Violet12]

And I am struggling. I don't know where the line is. I don't want to be unsupportive, I don't want to be controlling, I don't know what to say or do.

I feel like advice I've received is so conflicted. On one hand, I'm supposed to support him, not judge him, not tell him what to do. On the other I'm supposed to "not enable" him. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do in this situation.

He says it's because he is just not enjoying it, doesn't like how long the hours are, and doesn't how hard the work is. I understand all of that. But he was excited for this job for weeks, and has wanted to do it since he was a kid. It's been one week employed after years of unemployment, and he suddenly doesn't like it? I think he is just intimidated, but I don't know how to tell him that without being 'unsupportive'.

Also, if he leaves, I know he'll go to bed for days and avoid his family and repeat over and over what a screw up he is and how much he regrets leaving it.. We went through this about 2 months ago, when he quit that job before his day. It was so, so, so emotionally and psychologically exhausting being in this house with him after that. I do not want to go through it again... But I can never tell him that 😞

[Violet12]

He's home now, in bed, and it's only 6pm. Doesn't want to talk about it beyond saying he has to do something with his life but doesn't want this job, and doesn't want to disappoint everyone again. Meaning he's worried is family will judge him and be let down. I tried to talk to him and let him know everything will be ok, that he can leave if he hates it, that his family will understand. He said "I don't care" and rolled away, and isn't talking now.

I feel... lost.

What am I supposed to do? Just accept that he's going to bed in for potentially weeks? He told me he would work this year so I could focus on studying. I can't focus on studying when I'm worrying about paying bills and eating pasta every night because it's all we can afford, so I'll probably need to work. And then that'll make him feel worse.

I don't know what to do. We've been together 8 years. I was in this well he is in, in the beginning. We both were. Leaving jobs, anxious, depressed, constantly unemployed, and lying to friends and family about it. But I got out of it. He didn't. How do I know if he ever will?

[Violet12]

He told me if he wasn't accountable to people that love him and wasn't gonna upset anyone, he'd probably kill himself, because he thinks he is so bad at everything and it'll never get better. He promised that he wouldn't do it, but said he would if he had no one else to worry about.

...what am I supposed to do? 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hi Violet12,

I can only imagine how tough this is for you.  It can be so difficult to have loved ones around you in a dark place and not knowing how to help them.  

There are supports available for him if he would like to reach out.  Feel free to contact the following supports to see how else you can best support your partner.

There is Life Line 13 11 14, available 24/7 or Suicide Line which is also available 24/7 on 1300 651 251 or online https://www.suicideline.org.au/.

MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ 

If you would like to speak to someone about mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

Please also remember to seek supports for yourself as this must be difficult on you and these supports will also support you through your challenges.  The friendly counsellors are there to support.  

[ecomama]

Hi Violet

Sorry to hear about the situation with your BF atm. I've been in very similar situations and they were horrid.

YES you did bring yourself out of the well.
WELL DONE YOU!
Now you're studying or trying to, congratulations!

As you mentioned you think you're BF is suffering from depression, I think you're bang on the money there.
There may be quite a bit more going on as well. Stuff he's saying and doing may be hinting at such.

There are no guarantees he will bring himself out of whatever thinking he has.
Long term unemployment when he CAN work, just doesn't want to, is a pretty big red flag to me.

Using threats of suicide, even though they could be real, I personally think (or hope) these comments are made as a call for help. In that case he NEEDS HELP.
Some say otherwise in situations like yours. (More like keeping you compliant to his demands).

Regardless of all of this, you're in a partnership that's showing alot of imbalance atm.

It'll be up to you when you decide you've had enough. I think to agree with everything he's saying about employment atm is enabling his behaviours to continue.

I encourage you to call a helpline, most esp with his threats of suicide. It's not how a mentally healthy person would be talking.

I also encourage you to make time for yourself that includes some self-care. Sure he may oppose this but YOU need to stay healthy for yourself at least.

Best wishes,
EM