My boyfriend's social anxiety

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Originally posted by: S on 29 April 2012

My boyfriend of 6 years has social phobia and gets anxious when out in public. Last night we were in a social situation with close friends and while everyone was making conversation, he had his arms crossed and didn't speak to anyone the whole night. I caught out our "friends" making fun of his situation (only because they aren't aware of his phobia) He barely even spoke to me last night. This happens all the time and I'm beginning to notice my friends aren't spending as much time with me as they used to - is it because he weirds them out? I confronted him about his issue tonight! And of course he denies it, why should he be made to feel "like everyone else", "be fake" or try and "conform"? I told him that this is LIFE! To be friends with ppl and be friendly you need to TALK and INTERACT! I'm afraid that if he doesn't seek help, my resentment will grow. I want to help him but he is so vague he doesn't notice what he is missing out on. Is there anyone else who is experiencing this too?

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Originally posted by: David Charles on 29 April 2012

Dear S (? for Social), The non interactive boyfriend seems a problem but maybe he's not talking to anyone ! "Fitting in" with social situations sounds a bit Victorian. No wonder, if there's no chat or friendly banter (when he's elected to "go OUT"), your friends will make a bit of fun (as you might do with an over talkative type). Possibly, if you feel like he's just not making an effort, then you could suggest no sex for a while on the basis that you don't want to "conform", "do the expected" or "do something just for the sake of it". It's not punishment just a wake up call for a boyfriend who might need waking up. I'm thinking you could socialise with others if bone head doesn't mind. But then, if he doesn't talk the talk he won't be complaining anyway. Adios, David.

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Originally posted by: Deborah on 30 April 2012

Hi S My husband of 27yrs was the same as your boyfriend. Nervous in group situations and even uncomfortable in family functions. Christmas etc became a drama and flags were fly ing at me. He would not listen to getting help and finally had a breakdown. Since the help of medication/counselling through our GP life has been great and we have a great social life. When phobias or fears start to interfer in day to day living there is a real problem. We dont like to think we have a weekness or illness but the worse thing to do is nothing because we miss out on life the best thing of all. Please try and be patient and help him see that life can be more enjoyable if this is his problem. However if he is not willing to change you need to give him an altermatium for your own happiness or accept his way. Lov Deb let us know how you go S.

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Originally posted by: David Charles on 1 May 2012

PART II: Why not just go out together without the extra pressure of friends or simply make the social times shorter until comfortable ? A social phobia, in it's fullness, would be NOT going out at all so a few little trips might be worth doing to avoid the meltdown of bantering expectation. You state that you don't want to build resentment but he is probably equally resentful of being "forced" to go out against his will. Men are good at retreating. Adios, David.

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Originally posted by: geoff on 2 May 2012

dear S, well I can understand on this being disappointing to you, but I can imagine the feeling of anxiety building up within him, days before, then hours before, and then finally being in the situation with a heap of other people chatting away, I'm sure his heart rate must be pounding away and the sweat dripping off him. I am curious whether this happens on all occasions or whether it happens with only a particular group or person, indicating that he might not like them or him/her for some reason. It could be jealously, had a bad experience with them, or for another reason, which he has not told you about. Personally I had social phobia when I was depressed because there was some fellow who put all his attention towards my ex. and I was always trying to stop us from socilising with them, and the worst part was that we did. I suppose my thoughts were that I was depressed and he was the charmed prince, giving her the joy and excitement that I couldn't. Geoff.

[merra]

Hi S - I have social anxiety and so can understand where your boyfriend is coming from. If he is socailly anxious like me he 100% knows what he is missing out on. Unfortunately (if he is like me) he wants so much to talk and interact but is too nervous and worried about what others will think of him. If he has been made fun of that will only make him feel worse. There is not a lot you can do except encourage him to seek help and he will only do this in his own time. Maybe direct him to websites that describe other people's experiences with social phobia. That can let him know that he is not alone. Please don't give him ultimatums that are suggested above. If he could snap out of it he would have. This will only make him resent you. If you want to be stay with him, be patient. I am very luck to have an exteremly patient wife who is very understanding and non judgemental about my condition. I don't know what I would do without her support.

[merra]

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[Pixie15]

Dear S, I have had some experience of this with my partner of over 30 years. By trying to limit myself to situations where he was comfortable I became isolated myself. I would only suggest that you do not let yourself become isolated by your boyfriends social phobia. Try to support him and encourage him to seek help for managing his phobia if he is not doing so but look after your own needs too. Best wishes. Chris.

[K_3]

I don't know what to do. I have only noticed my partner of 4 years suffers from social anxiety. I have considered for a year and a half he has depression and we are slowly getting medical help. However, I am noticing certain behaviours, not wanting to spend time with my family and friends and hiding from me almost when things get hard and he doesn't want to see people. The frustrating thing is he is able to go out with other people, friends without a problem. When I have questioned him, he told me he feels self confident when I organise something and under pressure to be friendly and happy. Any ideas?

[Pixie15]

Hi K, From my experience it is quite possible for someone to be very comfortable and confident with their own family and friends and places they like to go but have trouble coping in other social situations. For many years I accepted that my partner was a bloke who did not like to do many things. Difficulties arose when I started doing more things without him. I do not recommend you do what I did which was give an ultimatum. If he has a problem he is the only one who can decide to do something about it. But you could try to help him become informed and offer your support. I have been reading about co-dependency which has helped me to understand my own relationship better. I am currently trying to be a care giver and not a caretaker. Because I was stressed and became depressed myself last year, I am seeing a psychologist who is helping me to set personal goals. Value your family and friends. There is good reason for you to spend time with them even if your partner doesn't want to. I hope these few thoughts help. Best wishes, Chris09