I think my husband is depressed. Is he pushing me away or does he not want me in his life anymore?

[bellabelle]

Hi,

Two months ago my husband's behaviour began to change. He became moody, he stopped telling me he loved me, he became short tempered with our kids (8 and 10). He works away for two weeks at a time and comes home for 2 to 4 weeks in between (he has been doing this for 3 years) He claims he really likes his job. It is demanding on me when he is away. I feel he has really become disconnected with our family. When he comes home he tries to assert his authority (we parent quite differently these days). We've started to argue a lot about the kids. To top it all off he had a stressful situation at work recently which took a toll on him and he hasn't been sleeping well.

I've suffered a long bout of depression myself. The last 5 years I've been very up and down (issues are related to my mother) and after getting help and semi-recovering I have slipped back downhill in the last 6 months. I'm sure this has also taken a huge toll on him but even though i suggested he talk to someone to help him cope with my issues he seemed fine enough until recently.

Since his behaviour changed I have been trying to find out what is wrong but he'd always say he was fine. Finally tonight (after an argument yesterday about our 8 year old) I got him talking - it was hard work to get him talking. He revealed that he has been talking to a work counsellor for the past 5 weeks. From what I gathered its "us" and its "him" He can't see things changing. I asked if he still loved me and he didn't answer. This killed me. I did not see this coming. When I pushed him for an answer he said "I don't know".

I suggested we get couples counselling. I've suggested this a couple of times during arguments over the last 2 months but he never responded. Tonight he said he doesn't think it will change anything. When I said "is it his job?". He said no and that he has felt like this for many years which shocked me even more. It seems like he is not even willing to give counselling a try. And I don't understand why. I still love him and I want to try. Why doesn't he? Is it that he doesn't love me anymore? Or could this be the depression talking? I'm not sure if he has given up on us completely and wants out or if he just feels so hopeless and feels nothing right now. I feel like we've always been close and had a decent relationship. I never thought he'd stop loving me.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm hurt and in pain from this revelation but I also want to help him if he is suffering so bad.

[Doolhof]

Hi Bellabelle,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and to the community here. From your letter, it certainly does sound like you are in a rough place right now.

None of us who post replies are professionals, we are fellow sufferers of depression and mental health issues. Sometimes the moderators make comments and offer suggestions. The rest of us are just responding the best way we can to try to help.

It may be beneficial for you to return to your Dr for a chat and maybe see a counsellor. You can also read up helpful information on this site regarding depression and how to help people you suspect may have depression.

There is a phone help line you can use on 1300 22 4636. I have used this service as well as Life Line before, they are a great tool to have available.

In my own experience, both my husband and I have depression. My husband was not at all keep to attend counselling with me. It took me many years to convince him to go. He used the session to point out everything that I do wrong and he thought that was all that was needed. I now knew my mistakes, I could fix them and all would be okay. That is the way he thought about it all.

Through counselling for myself, I realise I can not change my husband in any way. I can change how I react to him and to life in general. I try to do more things that please me, to look after my needs, in a non combative way that shows consideration to my husband as well.

You could look un information on depression and improving relationships and consider which parts of it may be suitable to show your husband. You could give it to him, ask him to read it and then walk away and give him time.

It might help to write him a letter about how you are feeling. Pour everything out. Put that letter aside and write another one that you might actually give to him.

Try and organise a family outing that will be fun for you all.

Read some of the other stories in the Relationship section and see what responses have been given to people.

Call Relationships Australia and see if they can help you.

Make a list of something nice you would like to do for yourself every day for the next week and see how you go with that.

Keep loving yourself and your husband. Hopefully he will be able to tell you more in time what is going on in his head. Depression can be a confusing, disorientating and muddly experience.

Hope some of this helps, from Mrs. Dools

[bellabelle]

Thank you Mrs Dools. I really appreciate that you've taken the time to answer my question so throughly. I have already booked an appointment to see my psychologist. I called Lifeline last night for support too. I know the importance of getting help so I hope my husband will agree to couples therapy.

My husband has gone to a friends place for a few nights (its in another state). I didn't know he was going and had no contact from him for nearly 24 hours. I was so scared and so anxious. When he finally replied he said he needs space. He has assured me there is no other woman and I believe him. But this is killing me. I just want him back home where we can work on it together. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I'm going to try and give him space but its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles too and I hope you and your husband are moving forward. You sound like you are on the right track.

You are right about doing something for myself. I never do. I find it hard. But I do need to find things that make me happy.

Thank you again

[white knight]

Hi bellebella, welcome.

A short story to make a point.

When with my last girlfriend I had mania and loved building model airplanes. All hours I wouldn't sleep and I'd be in my hobby room building, enjoying myself. My gf would wake up and yell at me to get back to bed.

Finally we attended counselling. She told her story, I told mine. The counsellor looked at my gf and asked..." Do you have a passion "?. My gf said no. At the time it was the most significant issue and it made my gf realise she was over dominant and unfair.

So if your hubby wants to help his marriage he should make effort. But you can't force him.

having said all that I endorse MrsDools recommendations. We are here for you.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hi Bellabelle

Welcome and thankyou for posting. This is a rough spot you are in. Mrs Dools and Tony WK's advice is gold. There is just something that stood out that pressed my buttons.....

'It seems like he is not even willing to give counselling a try. And I
don't understand why. I still love him and I want to try. Why doesn't
he?'

You are an intelligent and well articulated person Bella. You also have great courage to post on the forums. I have just re-read your last post...about no contact for 24 hours and you were scared and anxious...I would be too in your shoes and not happy either. Your hubby should at least have the common courtesy to let you know that he is okay and not leave you in the dark..Depression is not a excuse for not communicating..

Tony WK is right...you cant force him....but I do feel where you are coming from....

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish Bella 🙂

My Kind thoughts for you

Paul

[bellabelle]

Thank you Tony and Paul for your replies. I find it heart-warming that you both took the time to respond to me even though you don't know me at all. I truly appreciate your insights and support.

Paul you made me smile when you used the words intelligent, well articulated and courage. I doubt myself and lack self confidence in many areas of my life and for you to say such kind words lifted my spirits. Thank you.

An update - my husband has stayed away for 12 days and it has been emotional hell for me. I have been living in limbo. Speculating at every turn. The first weekend I didn't think I could endure the pain but I came through and believe I experienced some personal growth. I turned to my family and they have been overwhelming supportive. For many years I had been afraid of rejection and judgement however this one event forced me to reveal myself (as I had no-one else to turn to) and it has been liberating. I was able to address some issues with my mum and siblings and with further therapy I finally believe I might be able to move past my pain from these issues.

There has been little communication from my husband during these 12 days and the times when there was he was very unresponsive and negative. Communication was on his time-frame and I did begin to feel that it was becoming cruel. However, I chose to remain supportive and as loving as possible from day 1. With help from my psychologist I reminded myself that this was about him not me and I read the following phrase many times over:

"When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what is happening"

I am proud of myself for holding up. My husband rang today to tell me he is coming home. He seemed to be in a better head-space and more like himself. Although he wants to stay in a different room in the house when he returns home, he has said he will go to couples therapy. I still don't know exactly what he is thinking and can only hope that he truly wants to work through this together and stay with me and our children.

Such a long post! It probably doesn't even matter if no-one reads this as writing it has been cathartic. It might help someone else one day. Again thank you so much Mrs Dools, Tony and Paul xxx

[blondguy]

Hi Bella, thanks for writing back, it means a lot to us. You have done well on so many fronts here...The support from your wonderful family is huge and good on you for reaching out to them.

You are not on your own where it comes to fear of rejection and judgement..I still have a good dose of that probably I am over sensitized or my self confidence not being where it should be which I am working on.

Having a counselor to 'help us unclutter' our thoughts is a huge benefit and you have one too! Great work Bella

I really liked what your pych said " When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what is happening" This is gold Bella...You have a great psychologist.

You should be proud of yourself for doing so well Bella. Your husband also agreeing to attend couples therapy is another huge step forward. Whether having depression or severe stress is the same as having a 'tired mind'..This can make a person (your husband maybe) somewhat erratic or having periods of being overly quiet.

Thankyou big time for your super kind compliments too Bellabelle

Paulx

[Doolhof]

Hi Bella,

I'm hoping you and your husband are able to talk openly and sort things out between you both. I find it is sometimes impossible to understand my husband's actions and not doubt he feels the same about me at times! Or maybe the majority of the time. Ha. Ha.

Over the years we have had separate holidays and time apart. I have stayed with family or friends, once I was away for three weeks. Now that we have mobile phones, it is a lot easier to keep in touch when one of us is away from home.

My husband can go away for a couple of weeks, just driving about and staying by himself. Sometime I do not hear from him for days, I do worry, but I also know that is the way he likes it.

He also likes to go away with his mates, I feel a lot more relaxed when he is with other people, I don't worry so much. My husband also goes overseas with his mates and leaves me home to look after the cat. He says we both can't afford to go.

We now have separate bedrooms. It was not my idea but his. At first I cried myself to sleep as I didn't like it at all. Now I tell myself that at least I can sleep with the window open and don't have to listen to him snoring all night!

I'm thankful we are still in the same house and we are friends. We don't argue or not talk to each other, so that is a plus. Relationships are not always easy.

Friends and family have asked me over the years why don't I leave, I guess part of the answer is because he is still my husband.

" When you can't control what's happening, challenge yourself to control the way you respond to what is happening"

This is a good saying! Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Obsessed]

Hi Bella.

I have to agree with all that has been said in all the posts. I will give a blokes side of the story. Looking back on the years I have had suffered depression for at least 5 years. All came to a head when a situation occurred at work that sent me into a tail spin to suicide..I put my hand up finally and went to a psychologist to get help.

When I look back for me it was my boss that was and still is the problem. He is very over demanding. My wife has OCD she can be at times very demanding. The problem I had was that I had to put up with my boss and then had to put up with my wife when I got home. So I had a double wammy. So even when I had holidays all I could see was my boss in her. REALLY BAD THING. So For years it was getting worse my depression. At one one point last year I really hated my wife because every time I saw her I saw my boss.

My wife had a great family assistance while I was getting through this stage of my life. When I did go to the psychologist we found the problems from my past and current situation and formed strategies to be able to cope. Life is good now I seen my bottom of my bell curve and now on the way up.I love my wife to bits now.

Were I am going with this is, and I am only guessing here, maybe there is a big problem that your husband is going through at work that he is not telling you. We blokes like to think we are in control of all things and when we lose that control,or perceived control , we get very defensive. Maybe a boss has been giving him a real hard time and some of your characteristics are the same as his boss. Maybe your husband coming back is the start of him realizing that he is wrong in his actions. I do not know but I thing he needs to go to a psychologist to work out the problems. BUT he has to be the one to put his hand up to say I have a problem I need help. All you can do is slowly plant the seeds.

From my situation if my wife told me to go to the psychologist I would have told her were to go and how to get there.

As said in previous posts control the way you react to the situation to not inflame the situation and sow those seeds.

[bellabelle]

Thank you Obsessed for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that you have had such a rough time. You should feel very proud of yourself for putting up your hand for help. It is one of the hardest things to do. I know it was for me when I first went to my psychologist.

It is promising for me to hear your story especially when you say that you "love your wife to bits now". This gives me hope that maybe when my husband works through his problems he may see things differently. His Fly-in/Fly-out (FIFO) job has impacted us in more ways then I ever realised. I realise I did not want people to think I wasn't coping as a FIFO wife. The fact is that his FIFO job is contributing to my unhappiness and maybe when he is ready he might admit the same thing. Anyway this is my hope right now, that this isn't about me but it is about him.

Again thank you all for taking time to comment here. It is truly amazing and it is helping me through this extremely difficult time.