How to support my boyfried

[Concerned_spouse]

I have been with my boyfriend for a couple of years. Early on, we had an open and frank conversation about his depression. He has had depression for many years and has medication and plans in place to treat it. This is something I am committed to support him through. He is the sweetest most loving man I've ever met, and he's worth the challenges.

Typically the weather, particularly the change of seasons to winter make managing his depression tougher. He knows he needs to eat well and exercise, but when the depression takes over this just doesn't seem possible. All he can do is sleep all weekend, I can't even encourage him to get up to eat at the moment. He is literally awake for only a couple of hours at best across the weekend, isnt able to get up to eat, and refuses all offers I make of bringing food to him.

He pushes on and manages to get to work all week, but come the weekend, he is just a shell of himself. I support him by encouraging, but not pushing social outings on him, as I know he needs his rest to handle the next week. But when he's getting no nutrition on the weekend, I'm scared that he might be heading for a major crash.

Any advice from people familiar with this situation would be greatly appreciated.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Concerned spouse,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for posting.

It sounds like your boyfriend is quite insightful about his condition and I'm glad that he's able to talk about it as well as take medication for it. With this in mind, I'd suggest having a chat to him about it and finding a compromise.

When I was in the same situation I explained that I was worried that because of not eating properly and oversleeping, they'd be more tired at work and not able to function properly. He could see the impact, so we agreed on a negotiation - for us it was me waking him up at 10/11am (then he could nap later if he needed) therefore he'd still have a regular sleep cycle. Food wise, maybe it's bringing in some takeaway or pre-prepared frozen meals.

If your boyfriend is struggling to eat due to his appetite, then it might be helpful to try to snack regularly throughout the day rather than relying on big meals. Also smoothies and juices can be a great way to sneak some nutrition in when he doesn't have the time/energy or motivation to cook.

If you can, find things that he enjoys - even if it doesn't seem overly productive. Having a reason to get up can be key; maybe it's playing a new game for a few hours, or watching a new-release movie. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just finding that key motivator even if it is for an afternoon.

[Concerned_spouse]

Thanks romantic_thi3f,

They were great tips, and much appreciated.

Thankfully he has picked up a little today and is more himself.

What really scared me was that he wasn't just refusing to eat or get up, but physically incapable of moving or even answering with words for most of the weekend. I've never seen that before, and felt entirely helpless.

When all offers I made got non responses, all I could do was ensure he knew I loved him, and would be there when he was ready.

I'm very much still learning what could signal that he's going downhill. It seems in hindsight that it was a few weeks of indecision, disinterest in socialising and football before the crash. Hopefully noticing these things earlier next time might help us to address the slide together before it goes that far again.

[Carmela]

Hi Concerned Spouse,

My husband would do the same but in good health, we established an action plan that l could refer to (almost like a check list) that gave me a basis to work from to help him through those difficult periods and that included things like food, points on how to encourage him, etc. This plan stopped me from feeling useless in his downtimes and working in a reactive state. We both benefited from the plan as it confirmed our commitment to his health as well as mine. This proactive approach made us both feel empowered and stopped the feeling that depression was controlling our lives and relationship.

Lastly, to be a great carer and partner, l dropped the hypervigilant approach to supporting my husband and accepted that his depression was something l could not control nor wish away. We managed it together with love and a bucket full of patience. I am grateful for the good days and focus on the moment, rather than trying to control the future or ponder our challenges of the past.

Please take care of yourself and don't forget about you.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Concerned spouse,

You're welcome - I'm glad that they were helpful to you!

That does sound pretty concerning; and I'm glad that you were able to identify some triggers to signal that he was going downhill.

Initially it can be really hard and confronting trying to find the 'why' but it definitely will get easier in time. It's important to note too that sometimes there might be no clear trigger; the nature of depression is that it can be very much like a wave. You mentioned in your first post that he was medication and plans in place - if these plans include some sort of therapy or counselling then hopefully that will allow him to find the tools to be able to recognise these episodes and manage them, and also being able to communicate to you in a few more syllables!

Finally - want to echo what Carmela said - don't forget to take care of you. This is so important.

[sonnenschein]

Hi Concerned Spouse,

I have been through a very similar situation with my long term partner. We didn't know the signs at the time, so he ended up having a major breakdown that lasted 3 years. I find it really great that you are trying to learn some signs for it. There aren't always signs but in hindsight in our case, I can see them clearly.

Also, the biggest lesson I learnt from that experience is not to get too involved. As hard as it may be, sometimes you really just have to leave him and keep living your own life. Still try and invite him to do things with you like watch a movie or something, but the mistake I made was that I was constantly checking on him during the day, staying home from work with him and spending all my free time with him, laying in bed with him to the point I had my own breakdown. I thought it was selfish to think of myself while he was so sick, but actually it is not. If you end up sick and depressed then you aren't much help to him anyway.

Another tip is to read as many book as possible about depression. I also gave my partner some workbooks but he didn't really do them because at the time he was too sick. I find they are more designed for when the person is in recovery, not during a depressive episode. Maybe they are something you can do together once he is through this dark stage.

Good luck xxx