My boyfriend is depressed - I need some support

[Medusa]

Hi,

My boyfriend is depressed and ended our relationship via text messsge last Thursday while I was overseas. I just returned home. I am heartbroken. I had just spoken to him a few days earlier on the phone and everything was fine.

I emailed him to let him know that I felt very upset and to ask him if he would speak to me in person about his decision to end our relationship. I told him I didn't want our relationship to end. He said he didn't want to speak me in person because he couldn't change his mind. We had some email correspondence over a couple of days. He said he was sorry that he could not give me what I want. He said he didn't want to be with me or anyone and that he needed to sort his stuff out. He said talking with him wouldn't change anything. He said he was not well mentally and too stressed in his life. He said he needs to be on his own.

I haven't contacted him since our email correspondence ended on Sunday. I miss him and I want to speak with him, but I am also respecting that he doesn't want to speak with me. He hasn't contacted me since either.

I don't know what to do, I need some advice.

thanks for listening.

[geoff]

hello Medusa, it's always very sad when something like this does happen, but from what other people have said as well as what I wanted to do when I was suffering from depression is that it seems he wants to be alone and depression is a huge cause for this.
By doing this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you, it's a familiar action that can happen, and what he may do is contact at some stage, because he will need someone to ring or contact in days of total distress, and normally it's the person he loves.
This still doesn't make the situation any more comfortable for you, but don't give up hope just yet, still email him or text him saying that you love him and will be there for him whenever he wants, keep your fingers crossed just as we are doing for you. Geoff.

[RandR]

Hi @Medusa,

Thanks for reaching out and I'm sorry to hear that.

Being a former sufferer of depression I know all to well that feeling of disconnecting from the people we care the most for and needing to 'sort our stuff out'. It's tricky because in my mind he probably doesn't still love and care for you but also in his mind, being hurt by people who they care the most about is a scary thought.

We're you aware that he had depression? If so, how long for and are you aware of his triggers? You mentioned you were overseas when he emailed you to break up.How long were you gone for? I feel you don't mind me asking.

If you still love him and want to be with him (which it sounds like you do) perhaps respect his space for now but don't stop contacting him altogether. If someone I loved ceased all contact then my depression would get the better of me. Perhaps, once a week send him a text or email. Let him know how you are and that you still care and are there for him if he needs and when he ready to see you. It wont be easy. But if you're prepared to do that then perhaps it's worth trying.

Good luck and here if you need to talk 🙂

Regards,

Raman.

[Medusa]

Hi Geoff

Thank you for your kinds words and advice. It means a lot. Trying to remain hopeful.

Renee

[Medusa]

Hi Raman

Thank you for your advice and your support.

Yes I am aware he suffers from depression, but I've never been sure to what extent or what triggers it. Mostly he manages it very well so I guess it's been difficult for me to know. I was away on holiday for 5 weeks.

Yes I do still love him and want to be with him. I have desperately wanted to contact him to see how he is doing but I've been so scared to what he will say or if he will reply me. Thanks for your advice on this, I need to find the courage to make contact with him soon.

Renee

[RandR]

Hi Renee,

I hope things have been better since your last post.

It can be extremely hard to identify triggers, especially if he hides it well. In fact I hid my depression so well in the past that none of my closest mates even knew about it.

I'm sure you will find the courage and being scared is completely understandable. You don't know what you don't know. Some contact with someone suffering depression is better than no contact at all in many instances 🙂

Best of luck and here if you need.

Raman

[Medusa]

Hi Raman

Thank you for checking in. I really appreciate you sharing your experience. I feel very inadequate with how to deal with this situation.

Things are a little better, and at the same time more difficult. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I agreed. We didn't really talk about our situation or anything very meaningful about what is going on with him. I didn't want to push a difficult conversation. I feel like I'm on eggshells around him. Am I being too cautious, or is this how I need to be right now so I don't push him away again? I feel confused.

Now, after seeing him, it doesn't feel much better, he is still very distant. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next.

Can you tell me more about triggers? Even if I did know his triggers, how is this helpful? What if his trigger is related to being in a relationship with me?

Thanks for your support.

Renee

[Medusa]

Just checking in again.

He called to see me again this week. I said ok. When I went to see him he was very drunk. I didn't enjoy being around him. Next day he texted to say 'I can't do this' and 'I think you are amazing but I'm not the guy for you'. His behaviour is erratic. He says he wants to be my friend. I don't know if I can anymore. I don't trust him. I feel like I'm being used. I have told him I can't be friends yet. I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to get hurt anymore.

thanks for listening

[geoff]

hi Medusa, it seems as though he's self medicating on alcohol, and from my own experience, as I did the same, unless he realises that drinking will not make him overcome his depression, all it does is put it on hold, so no one will be able talk with him in a way he can understand or accept.
As always what you have to do is look after yourself, that's your first priority, and if this means doing what you really want to do, then unfortunately that's what you have to do. Geoff.

[RandR]

Hi @Medusa,

Thanks for checking in again apologies for the delay in response.

Feeling inadequate is quite normal. After reading your last couple of posts and recent update regarding him being intoxicated I can say that my triggers were: disloyalty amongst friends and girlfriends, drugs and alcohol.

I remember when I sobered up from being drunk in the past I too would also text people I cared about and push them away, in this he has done the same and knows deep down he is not the right man for you right now. At least he is being honest and black and white without dragging the relationship out further. As for being friends, that is completely your call.

Before people can take care of other people they first need to be able to take of themselves. I feel for now he needs to work out how to help himself and based on what you've said you need to look out for yourself and protect yourself so I completely agree with @geoff.

Perhaps in time circumstances might change however perhaps both moving on might provide greener pastures.

All the best, let us know how it all goes and here if you need.

Raman 🙂