Long distance boyfriend not dealing with issues. Says he's too stressed to see a dr at the moment

BELLE11 · ‎03-02-2015

Hi

I'm in a relationship with an amazing man. We are only 5 months in and he has confessed he is suffering from depression. He has gone to see a GP and has chosen to try a mental health plan instead of medication. His bloods showed liver damage, so he was referred for an ultra sound. When it came to the day of the appointment he was going to cancel until I persisted he go. That night he drank a lot. I was lucky enough to have the week with him and it started out great. We ate healthy, went walking and even had a date night. Then it went downhill. He drank, he slept, he ignored me, there was no intimacy. I tried to talk to him but he's too embarrassed to express to me what's going on. So I suggested he see a counsellor to which he refused saying he's too stressed. He's searchjng for a place to live and it hasn't been easy but there are options but it's all too hard for him to deal with. But as we are only new and I live 1000km away he will not allow me to help. I'm concerned without me nudging in a positive way that he will regress and go mute and non functioning again. It hurts me very much that I can't help and that I feel after three or four days that I'm in his way and am better off leaving him alone. Yet when I've asked he's said no not at all. I do all the housework and run errands etc while I'm there to try to make his day less hectic so we can do fun stuff but he never notices or wants to do anything other than drink together. I'm trying my best to stay positive but without communication, trust and intimacy I'm wondering why I'm still here.

CrashCoyote · ‎13-02-2015

Hi BELLE11,

Thank you for your post. I understand rural communities but maybe if you are able to see someone in a regional centre even once a month it would be worth the trip.

I am sure you are as you describe and it is not conceited or bragging if you are being honest about yourself. False modesty is the trap most fall into. I understand though that you are saying that your choice of him is a choice and not desperation or a feeling there could be no-one else interested in you.

I wonder if you would look at a book that is available online free in PDF by Robin Norwood. It is called "Women Who Love Too Much" but it applies to both sexes. My fear is that you are in an addicted relationship with someone that Norwood would describe as a love avoidant. Of course, I could be absolutely wrong but if you can take half an hour just to download and even read a chapter of it you would get a fair idea of if you or he are of that type of personality.

You wouldn't be the first person on here to describe this situation, nor the first I have referred to that self help book. In case you are wondering, I don't get a share of the royalties nor do I know Norwood, but I bought the book. 🙂

I'd be very interested to hear from you if you are interested in looking at it, one way or the other.

Kind regards, John.

CrashCoyote · ‎17-02-2015

How are you going, Belle11?

BELLE11 · ‎17-02-2015

Hi John

I'm going well thanks. I will have a look at that book you suggested. It's uncanny but yes I do have an addictive personality and I think that's what you've picked up on.

I had a wonderful night out with friends on Sarurday night. Spoke to my boyfriend before going out....he was so chatty I had to actually end the conversation so I wasn't late meeting my friends. My night finished up around midnight. We messaged each other a couple of times during the night so I called on my walk home. We talked until after 2.30am. I didn't hear from him Sunday after I sent a message to see how he was. He called last night and has had some sad news of a close family member being critically ill. I'm glad I didn't pressure him Sunday as he was talking to his family most of the day. I think it's positive that he had his emotions under control and that he called me to tell me all about the situation, rather than shutting down.

How are things with you?

CrashCoyote · ‎22-02-2015

Hi BELLE11,

I am going well and I am happy to hear that you are in a better place. Have you had a chance to get a look at the book I suggested?

Kind regards, John.

BELLE11 · ‎22-02-2015

Hi John

glad to hear you are going well. I haven't had a chance to look up the book yet. I had a bit of a family emergency myself this week. But that's all sorted now. I will be home in a couple of days so will look it up and let you know my thoughts.

the upside of my family situation this week is that I got to spend the week with my boyfriend who was very supportive. I was also asked to accompany him and his daughter for a birthday dinner and a four hour shopping session today. It's so nice to be included especially on special occasions and on "their" time.

I'm trying to get the courage up now for a chat. It's been such a lovely day that I don't want to ruin it with a serious talk but I leave here in the morning so it's got to be now.

CrashCoyote · ‎22-02-2015

Hi again.

Fantastic news.

Maybe if it has been a good day you can defer the "serious" talk so that the memories of today are all good one? I don't know, just my first thought when I read your post.

Keep in touch. 🙂 John.

BELLE11 · ‎23-02-2015

Hi again John

seems it was the calm before the storm. We are no longer together. He couldn't handle the distance. I'd like to thank you for your time and keeping in touch with me. But as I'm no longer dating someone with depression I won't need this support now. I hope you keep well and your days are full of love and laughter.

CrashCoyote · ‎23-02-2015

Hi BELLE11,

It is so strange that he spent a week with you and then it just finished so abruptly. If you wish to talk about it I am happy to listen to you.

Otherwise, I wish you all the best in your future and hope you get someone that deserves a lady like you.

Kind regards and best wishes, John.

BELLE11 · ‎05-03-2015

Hi John

thank you so much for listening to me over this period of my life. Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm good. I've not actually shed a tear over him. Think that's because I knew I deserved more I just had to be easy to make it happen. I have been asked out in a date by a man that lives locally. Honestly not sure what I will do yet. The hurt is still raw so to say. But I've been reading over your past messages and I will still read that book. It may help me understand myself and how I manage to find the same type of running man that I ajways seem to fall for. Hope all is well with you?

CrashCoyote · ‎06-03-2015

Hi Belle,

I am happy to hear all of that. It is not easy to end any relationship but from what you describe, I think you are doing the right thing.

I never doubted that another man would start chasing after you given the chance! You don't have to sign up with him but it doesn't mean you cannot be friends and see what happens. Just take it slowly, if he doesn't understand that, wait for someone that will.

I hope you do get a chance to read the book. Even if you think it does not relate to you, it has some interesting perspectives. I am going fine, thank you for asking. I hope to hear from you again someday.

Kind regards, John.