Living with a Narcissist

Tarnished_Heart · ‎02-06-2014

I would love to hear from others who are enduring or surviving a relationship with a narcissist. I have recognised, with the help of my psychiatrist, that I have engaged in co-dependency, try to rescue others and will often subjugate my needs in order to fill others needs first. Enough is Enough! I have gone through the realisation phase, disappointment, disillusionment, anger, feeling stupid and gullible and very suicidal. What is really ironic is that my partner is a psychologist. My needs are not going to be met in this relationship and I am not going to keep meeting his. Unconditional love is a great ideal, BUT only God can give it, because he is in a position of power, not need. He needs nothing in return. Human love is conditional. Enduring abuse, emotional neglect and loneliness is a form of self abuse especially while you are waiting for the 'other half' to pay a little interest in the investment you have made in him. I am trying to work out how I can save myself. Do I HAVE to leave him? Is there another way?

buster11 · ‎08-08-2018

Sorry to bother whoever may come across this thread. I'm really at a loss. As I've said in earlier threads I believe I'm living with a narcissist. As I've also said I have also added to the fire by my actions 2yrs ago. Has anyone also needed to cope with a narcissist who is also an alcoholic? At a minimum a bottle of wine per night. I'm living on eggshells and I don't want to exaggerate, but its completely depleting me of everything I thought I was.

Pammyk · ‎02-09-2018

Hi, I am a year free of the narcissist that i was with for eleven years. Unless you have been in this type of relationship it is impossible to understand what you go through. My partner sucked the life out of me but it is nearly impossible to break free of them. The love and near infatuation that you feel at the start of the relationship is so overwhelming that you easily forget how bad it has become. All you want is to get that feeling back. You have to tell yourself that the good times were not real. Narcissists are not capable of love guilt faithfulness or anything that goes with a healthy relationship. You have to find the right time to leave and have absolutely no conact with this person. Save yourself. They will be ok they always are. I still miss mine but wont see or talk to him because he is like an addictive drug to me.

buster11 · ‎06-09-2018

Hi Pammyk

Thanks for your response and absolute congratulation's to you. You're correct the love and want to be with them is overwhelming so I keep blowing through the yuk to maybe reach the good again. I know I'm being stupid in thinking it'll change tho. Just the waiting for the next explosion and always constantly needing to be happy and laughing to keep the mood and times good is so very exhausting. I'm craving happy so much, but the thought of not seeing/feeling them hurts. That's what I'm saying it's sending me silly as I know I shouldn't be where I am.

catscratch · ‎22-10-2018

Yes Pammyk this has been my reality too. I have done three rounds of trying to have a relationship over 15 years with an alcoholic narcissist who also has a marijuana and cocaine dependency. he has cheated on me, treated me so badly I didnt know who I was, and every time he is so apologetic and charming it lures me back in. he is like a drug to me. I took him back the fourth time just four weeks ago, and it took one frustrated comment from me to have him back to his old tricks, gaslighting me, abusing me, blaming me, all the while being completely unreachable and blowing everything out of proportion, and its all my fault. The only difference this time is I didnt tell anyone I was seeing him, as none of my friends like him, and my kids really dislike him. Now I see why. I think my reaction to his luring in is an anxiety attachment issue for me, I am empathic and one part of me wants to heal him, believe my love can heal him. But I dont love him like I used to, and it is easier this time to know what to do. Boundaries, no contact, blocked number, blocked social media and focus on me and people who love me. I know this isnt going to be easy but I wont be going back this time. I am back to the gym tomorrow, and have made a list of all the things I want to do that he never did. Travel, music, normal things like dinners out and picnics without walking on eggshells or being mindful of what I talk about. Here's hoping this works

buster11 · ‎06-11-2018

Hi catscratch - Wow you are brave and I admire you massively. Your last line really hit home for "walking on eggshells". I get so exhausted when it turns yuk and even worse I'm even more exhausted waiting and walking on eggshells. Like you I like to think my love can change her, but its just impossible. Her son really likes me and I get along with him and her family really really well and would miss them all big time. I really feel at time that if I just walked out the door and interstate (completely away) and kinda like and intervention I could do it. But do to house ownership etc that's just impossible. Like I said you sound very brave and you making those plans has made me smile - GO FOR IT 🙂

Love_and_light · ‎31-12-2018

Hi Buster,

I really feel for you. I am in the same situation as yourself. We’ve been married for 20 years with 2 teenager boys but the last 5 have been difficult. My husband has been diagnosed with social anxiety but I’m finding that it really suits him to be sociable when it’s to his advantage. He does drink red wine every night and I also drink with him but I feel it’s a control thing for him. I’m pretty sure it’s more narcissistic. This has been really helpful to know I’m not alone and it’s not all in my head I’m not going mad. I am in the process of reading up about more of this situation I am finding myself in. Thank you

buster11 · ‎04-01-2019

Hi Love and Light - Thank you for contacting.

I have done extensive amounts of reading up and OMG there is so much. Its cruel and a horrible situation to live in. Again last night I was belted emotionally, but of course all my fault.

I wish you every luck in the world and stay brave. I'm always happy for a chat via this site if you wish

NinaBanina · ‎03-05-2019

I'm not sure if my thoughts, comments, experiences can contribute much here because everyone already seems to have identified their issues but sharing often helps, if not me, then perhaps some of you too.

I was married for 14 years to a man who was very loving during the times he could pull himself out of his depression. Much of my marriage was me feeling like a single parent to our kids and trying to keep the peace while he got over whatever he was suffering with at the time. I work in health and understand mental health and understood that his depression was 'out of his control'. He rarely however, other than requesting a change on his medication, sought other therapies. I know this sounds harsh, but in some ways he liked his depression. It's how he defined himself. It also gave him an 'out' from any responsibility - the house, kids, finances etc. We separated and then divorced after a much younger woman, who suffered the same condition, lured him in with her 'more advanced understanding' of his condition. And yes, I have proof that she 'lured' him in. He tried to resist it at first but of course, she was offering him what I could not at the time; no kids, no job no household responsibility of her own. Two years post separation I started dating again but knew I did not want a full on relationship nor another emotional baby to care for. I began dating a narcissist. I had the strength to recognise that I wasn't to blame for his aggressive, irrational outbursts at me whenever I innocently made a comment he did not agree with. I would ask him to leave or leave myself. The next day he would blame me for his aggression and berate me for leaving him in the middle of the date.

It IS hard to extricate yourself from such situations. I know. Trying to reason with someone who believes they are always right is a waste of energy. This person also dated other women while seeing me (I never wanted him to myself exclusively because I was happy with my independence), some of whom I have had contact with and the story from them about his behaviour is the same. You can go no contact but they will find ways to get to you - messaging family and friends etc. I choose to keep him engaged because then he leaves others alone and I am mentally strong enough to stand up to him.

buster11 · ‎14-05-2019

Hi NinaBanina Thank you for your post and I commend your braveness and admire your strength. Are you still with him? My situation I have tried so many times to leave - surely living in a car until being able to set myself up again is better than the eggshells. When we first got together I completely stuffed things up and have regretted everything since. Do I deserve it - probably, should I be allowed to amend and be happy again at some stage - I think so. I've given the fodder for her to feed on. I love her more than anything on the planet because her amazing is beyond belief, but the emotional roller-coaster cuts and wounds to a point of carnage. In the beginning I was sent photos and was very well told via text what she gets up to when I'm not around as part of the pay back. Its really wired its those images and information that I probably fear the most.

Pammyk · ‎05-01-2020

Hi Buster,

I havent posted for quite a while because as you would also know it is all so exhausting and the easiest thing for victims to do is to try to ignore our pain. If you spend enough time in a mentally abusive relationship it is amazing what you can shrug off. Its just so much easier than trying to fight for your rights.

I have been free for three years but I dont feel any where near being whole again. If I still feel like this now, what hope would there be for me if I was still in with him.

I still get emails from this person but I know he is just trying to keep me on his long list of backups.

I hope you are coping well and you are free and ready to heal. If you are please give me some tips because I dont think time really heals. I will try to keep everyone posted on wether seeing a professional helps but I think it is the only way we can heal. We deserve to feel happy and safe and we should also be able to be comfortable in being ourselves.