Living with a Narcissist

[Tarnished_Heart]

I would love to hear from others who are enduring or surviving a relationship with a narcissist. I have recognised, with the help of my psychiatrist,  that I have engaged in co-dependency, try to rescue others and will often subjugate my needs in order to fill others needs first. Enough is Enough! I have gone through the realisation phase, disappointment, disillusionment, anger, feeling stupid and gullible and very suicidal. What is really ironic is that my partner is a psychologist. My needs are not going to be met in this relationship and I am not going to keep meeting his. Unconditional love is a great ideal, BUT only God can give it, because he is in a position of power, not need. He needs nothing in return. Human love is conditional. Enduring abuse, emotional neglect and loneliness is a form of self abuse especially while you are waiting for the 'other half' to pay a little interest in the investment you have made in him. I am trying to work out how I can save myself. Do I HAVE to leave him? Is there another way?

[Neil_1]

Dear TH

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.  Very to the point and quite a number of issues you raise.  

Having never had a partner who is a psychologist, I cannot comment too much here, but one thing really amazes me about this – that your partner (psych) is causing so much hurt and disappointment and so much more for you in the relationship.  Kind of defies the psych code I would have thought – obviously he practices a much different code when he’s at home with you, as opposed to the professional hat he wears when he’s with his patients in his day time job.  

Now with regard to unconditional love, I don’t know so much about god and all that side of things – probably best left alone as for those that believe, that’s great and for those that don’t believe that’s great, but if you believe that god is in the only one who can give out unconditional love, then please call me god.  

I have two children and I LOVE them unconditionally – as the dictionary suggests:   unconditional love is ‘affection with no limits or conditions; complete love’. 

That sums up me with my two children.  It also goes on to say that you would do anything for them and even place yourself in grave/great danger to protect them.  And for me to do this, I am doing this purely on the basis that these are my flesh and blood – together with my partner, we bought them into the world and nurtured them to where they are now – and from this, we’ve not asked anything in return for doing this.  Sorry, bit of a soap box that I just climbed on there, but I’m very strong on this – feelings wise.  

However, having said that – having unconditional love for others, well that might in fact be toned down a bit – as in, if you love someone, you would hope that they love you back.  You would hope that they would be there to support you and to comfort and care for you and to protect you. 

 If you are enduring abuse in any way, shape or form, I would be getting out of this right now.  No-one should have to put up with any crap like that.  You’ve said, “enough is enough” and that “your needs are not going to be met in this relationship and you are not going to keep meeting his”.  My suggestion is for you to end this.

  Not knowing how long this relationship has been going on for, where you’re living (ie:  together or apart) may determine how difficult this is going to be.   But hey, it’s just my read on things.  

Look forward to hearing back from you.  

Neil

[Struggler]

Hi Tarnished Heart

I agree with Neil1.  I could have written that myself. My motto is: Only love someone who loves me back. Selfish and shallow? Maybe but I'd rather look at it as self preservation.  Life is too short to waste on one way street kind of relationship.  

Struggler

[Pixie15]

Hi Tarnished Heart,

Thanks for your post. I think I can understand your situation. 

It was nice to read Neil's positive ideas of what a psychologist should be but I am more cynical. I think that if someone is inclined to manipulate others then it might be the perfect course of study to pursue. Most people I know who have studied psychology have their own issues.

I think that ideas of unconditional love can be used for the purpose of exploitation. Love does not come at the cost of human dignity. Possibly your psychologist has already been working with you in establishing better boundaries. If not definitely something to find out about if you are codependent.

If you leave the relationship or not will be up to you. From my experience it is a good idea to plan to be able to leave when and if it may become necessary. I know that when the jigsaw first fell into place my first response was to run away. However it may be better for you to face your problem from where you are. Apparently codependents have a habit of repeating the same self-defeating behaviors. No one else should want to make this decision for you. 

Also you might want to check out co-dependents anonymous. Its a 12 step program and even if you are not interested in attending a meeting you might find the literature helpful.

The most important thing I have learnt is I have to be prepared to meet my own needs. A matter of self-responsibility. You can not love your neighbor as yourself if you don' love yourself. If that makes sense. Being self-centered is not the same as being selfish.

Peace.

[white knight]

Hi TH.  welcome also.

Gee, you have some great responses so far.  As soon as the word narcissist is seen i go into a frenzy.  All sorts of feelings emerge about my mother.  Controlling, manipulative, attention seeking....all sorts of issues that in her wake of her whole life its like she has thrown a bomb behind her every move.

Hence I detest controlling people and people that use others as weapons etc. But in the end, like yourself and your hubby, they end up snuffing out all the love we ever had for them and all that is left is obligation or guilt on our part. DONT BE FOOLED!  Any guilt you have from living with a narcissist is guilt often planted there by them themselves. It's another weapon.

It might not assist you but there is a mighty good book "understanding the borderline mother". It can relate to men. It might be a bit off topic if your hubby is strictly narcissist but you might get a lot out of it.  Google "christine lawson hermit witch queen waif   . They are the 4 personalities she detected in her studies. The info on the www about this in forums etc changed my life. Finally I was able to finish the puzzle of my mothers behaviour and stop feeling guilty for what was her issues. Issues she never sought help for.    good luck

[buster11]

Hi all - I've just come across this thread. I fear I'm living with one and if you read my story I've only added to the fire. I'm scared, don't know what to do. Its really strange as I know I will heal from a broken heart, but the road, the effort and the pain after two years of exhaustion I fear will only take its toll further.

[Mella80]

Oh my, I have just discovered this and I think my live-in partner might be a narcissist. All of the things make sense that I have read and it would explain my somewhat addiction to him. It is so complicated though as he has other mental health issues that also carry similar traits of a narcissist. So I guess I am in the process of trying to figure out what to do. Atm I am living with him but feel so lonely and he withholds emotion and physical affection all of the time.... I don’t understand how a person can watch u hurt so bad but do nothing to fix it then say they love u. I have just started seeing a psychologist to try and help me make whatever decision I need to make..... co-dependency is a big factor in this and I feel so lost right now. I have read so much and learnt a lot. It is a fine line between being assertive and being in danger. Mentally been exhausted for 2 years and I just need to build some strength.... I feel this with u x

[buster11]

Hi Mella80 - I feel you are in a situation where you're dammed if you do and don't. That's the hard part isn't it? I completely get your comment about the narcissist watching you hurt and seemingly giving the impression of who cares and not wanting to repair it while all the time claiming they love you. It's great you are seeing someone as I think speaking to someone in person is better than the 100's of internet information. I hate walking on eggshells and feel exhausted needing to AWLAYS be trying to be making everything okay and happy. Although even this at times is a waste of time as things can turn at the drop of a hat. Not wanting to sound silly, but I like to think I'm a tough man and have endured many sad and hurtful events in my life and got through them strongly and better for them. However this is completely turning me very weak, confused and at times scared of what's in front.

[Guest8901]

Hello Mella, and welcome to the Beyondblue forums. I see that you posted here some 6 days ago and only just got a response from Buster this morning. Well done Buster! Mella, I note that the post 6 days ago was your first. Its very unusual that you did not receive a response from anyone until today. But its likely that its because this particular thread is some 4 years old with the originator and other contributors (other than Buster) do not seem to be current members at this stage. I think this has contributed you a lack of response to you. I really hope you have not become discouraged by a lack of response, and I hope you will post again.

Would you consider opening up a thread of your own Mella? It would ensure that you receive responses relevant specifically to you, and it then becomes your own personal support thread where you can ask any questions you like and people will do their best to advice, support and encourage you. The people here are very friendly, helpful and supportive and I feel sure you would benefit from having the support of fellow members. You can post any time you feel like it.

I can relate to both you and Buster, in that I am married to a narcissist. Have been for over 20 years. Its hard work at the best of times, and near impossible on others. Mella you say that you are currently trying to figure out what you want to do with regards to your live-in partner. Its a huge decision to make, and I am really pleased to read that you have started seeing a psychologist to help you make that decision. No doubt your psych will tell you much the same as mine did - ensure you have somewhere safe to go IF you decide to leave.

One thing I will also point out is that life is no bed or roses for a narcissist, something which I had not considered until I 'met' a fellow member (Loner in Hiding) here some months back. She is a narcissist, suffering from NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and she suffered enormously. I would strongly urge you to read her thread as it may help you to make your decision as to go or stay. It may also help you understand your partner a little better and what he's going through. This would be beneficial should you decide to stay. Its also a very interesting and informative thread, so I hope you read it. You can find it in the Welcome and Orientation section, the thread is called "Personality Disorder Pathological". Alternatively, search for the thread name.

Hope this is helpful to you and Buster.

Amanda

[buster11]

Hi Mandy8

Thankyou for your feedback - its good to also hear some other views and support. I absolutely commend you for recognising your partners condition and the willingness to obviously support and hang in there.......well done. I love my partner more than anything else on the planet, but my concern is for my health and long term want. Thank you again for your input and the time you take to care.

Buster