Is it possible my friend does not want to be happy?

[Anna84]

My best friend since we were children has been depressed for most of her life. We are in our 30s now and she started to become very depressed as a teenager and it has just continued on and on. She has been on many medications and she can often put on a smile in public but as soon as we are alone she is very depressed. She has alwayd slept all day until around 2pm and has a casual night job and still lives with her parents. She is a loving and kind person but I feel like she has never made an actual effort to build a life for herself. She always has a reason for why she can't do this and can't do that and barely leaves the house. Her parents don't know what to do either. They walk around on eggshells out of fear of upsetting her. I also feel I have to walk on eggshells around her too as she is easily offended.

For years I have been trying to help her but now I feel like she wouldnt even bother with me if I didn't contact her. She rarely responds to my calls or messages. I often ask her out to thw movies or dinner to get her out of the house but she always says she's not feeling well and just wants to veg on the couch..so I will visit her instead and she will just drink wine watching TV. She has shut almost everybody out of her life as well. She has had falling outs with family because she thinks they are out to get her but I think they are just worried about her.

I just don't know how to help her anymore. She gets upset a lot about wanting a boyfriend and children but I can't get her out of the house long enough to meet anybody.

I feel like she isn't happy unless she is unhappy if that makes sense.

It is becoming increasingly draining be around her but I just want her to have the life she deserves and be happy.

[Loula]

Honestly her Deppresion is probably all she knows. That's her life. She's ammuned to it. She's compftable.

Leaving what you know is scary. Like leaving your job and starting a new one is scary. Also leaving what you know is going to be full of a supprises. When your depressed you don't want supprises. You want life to be simple. You have learnt to cope with simple. You have learnt how to control your emotions and know what you can and can't handle. Being depressed you don't want to tackle anything that you might not be being able to handle. With Deppresion it's a fear because we know that's going to make us worse.

Basically she's 100% protecting her self.

You sound like an amazing bestfriend!!! I have a bestfriend like you and I would be lost with out her!

When im at my low low points I don't answer her texts, I don't go out side. Out side sucks when your Deppressed. I hated socialising. Socialising takes so much energy out of someone when they are Deppressed. I just didn't want to do anything but my bestfriend would just come on over, clean my place up and sit there with a cake she brought and watch DVDs. We hardly would speak but those times she came over where the best part of my week. They are the ones that made me feel loved. They are the ones that made me hold on another week as I knew I was going to see my best friend. Dont ever think your not doing enough because you are amazing!

[Zeal]

Hi Anna,

Welcome to the forum 🙂

Like Loula, I also think you are an amazing best friend. To stay by her side through her many years of depression is so caring and loyal. She would appreciate and benefit from your company more than she would express, and probably more than you realise.

Do you know whether your friend has ever gone to her doctor or to another health professional about the depression? Seeking professional help is crucial for her to start breaking down the walls of her depressive illness. If she isn't able to get to a doctor's clinic to see a GP, maybe a doctor could make a home visit? If your friend has resisted treatment in the past or doesn't want to seek help, then a home visit might be the best option. Her parents live with her and support her, so they will be able to take on the responsibility of getting your friend on board to help-seek and talk to a doctor.

It's a good sign that your best friend does want to have a relationship. Even though, as you said, she doesn't get out to meet people, just harbouring this desire shows that she does want to do certain things in life. She isn't able to achieve these things currently, but if she seeks professional help to work through the depression, they are certainly possible.

Loula has given a great account of what it feels like to be personally experiencing depression! Thank you Loula for telling your story, and I'm so glad that you have an amazing best friend who is there for you like Anna is there for her best friend!

Anna, I hope that you and your best friend continue to have a trusting friendship. I hope that she can get help. If you are concerned about your friend becoming angry and distant if you talk about help-seeking with her, you could have a casual talk to her parents about your concerns. Ultimately, it is not your responsibility to get your best friend professional help, but go with your gut instinct. Liaising with her parents is crucial.

Best wishes,

SM

[Anna84]

Thank you both for replying.

Loula Yes that sounds like her. I think she is definitely protecting herself. She worries a lot about how people see her and thats why she hides away because she gets too anxious.

When you describe your low points, it sounds very much like what she describes to me.

SM yes she has been to the doctor regularly for years. She has a doctor who she has been seeing since she was a child. Her medications have been changed many times as well. However her doctor has also asked her to stop drinking and has recommended a psychologist but she doesn't seem to take his advice.

I also suffer from depression so I am very careful not to drink and if I do it is very rare because I know that it affects my mood for days afterwards even if it is just a class or two of wine. I have tried to explain to her that I don't think she is allowing her medication to work properly because alcohol has the opposite affect..but then she gets upset because she thinks I am saying she has a drinking problem. She has also studied psychology so she believes she wouldn't benefit from seeing a psychologist because she already knows what she has to do.

I think I should try and talk to her parents as you said. I do think they enable her a bit though because she is so emotional she has the whole situation controlled to keep things the way she feels most comfortable. If they try to talk to her..an argument erupts aswell so they just try to keep her happy. Her mum has told me she fears that she would committ suicide and I do understand how hard it must be to not want to upset someone who is on the edge. It must be awful for her.

Id love for her to get proper help. She wants so badly to have a family and she has a lot of love to give but I just know it won't happen if she continues the way she is.

I asked her if she'd like to do something today and she said I should come over and hang out at hers..but again..I know we will just sit there which is ok but I have 2 small children who I need to entertain as well so I like to get out and have lunch someplace that the kids can play as well..but she wouldn't do that with me.

[Loula]

Sadly how people see us is very important to us. I know me personally and I'm assuming she's the same she wants to be seen in a bright light. Like the person she knows who is deep inside her. No one wants to be seen or non as their Deppresion. No one wants to be ascoiated with that.

Thats good she has a GP she sees. That's really good. Sorry I did have a little laugh when you said she has studied physc and said she dosent need to go as she knows what they will say. I studied physc and would say the same thing and refused to see anyone.

When I did see someone man was I wrong. It was so good to speak to a third party. It was good to speak to someone with out fear of uppsetting me. It was good having someone getting me to talker deeper about issues. I really highly recommend you should talk to her about the benifts of talking to a third party. And you can also get 10 sessions free through your doctor so you got nothing to lose.

Thats good you got communication with her family. Have you ever thought about you and her parents going to see a specialist to help support her and also give you ways on looking after yourself? I know when I was dangerous low my husand bestfriends and parents had strong communication and my husband sent out information explaining what type of Deppresion I have and how to help me. And also links on how they can look after them self as people with Deppresion are draining and a handful.

That's really good she wants to hang out. Bummer it's in doors. My BF has a kid as well and would be like let's take him to a park or a walk so that's how she got me out of the house. Maybe try that.

Your doing a great job but don't forget to look after yourself