I think my husband is depressed. Is he pushing me away or does he not want me in his life anymore?

[bellabelle]

Hi,

Two months ago my husband's behaviour began to change. He became moody, he stopped telling me he loved me, he became short tempered with our kids (8 and 10). He works away for two weeks at a time and comes home for 2 to 4 weeks in between (he has been doing this for 3 years) He claims he really likes his job. It is demanding on me when he is away. I feel he has really become disconnected with our family. When he comes home he tries to assert his authority (we parent quite differently these days). We've started to argue a lot about the kids. To top it all off he had a stressful situation at work recently which took a toll on him and he hasn't been sleeping well.

I've suffered a long bout of depression myself. The last 5 years I've been very up and down (issues are related to my mother) and after getting help and semi-recovering I have slipped back downhill in the last 6 months. I'm sure this has also taken a huge toll on him but even though i suggested he talk to someone to help him cope with my issues he seemed fine enough until recently.

Since his behaviour changed I have been trying to find out what is wrong but he'd always say he was fine. Finally tonight (after an argument yesterday about our 8 year old) I got him talking - it was hard work to get him talking. He revealed that he has been talking to a work counsellor for the past 5 weeks. From what I gathered its "us" and its "him" He can't see things changing. I asked if he still loved me and he didn't answer. This killed me. I did not see this coming. When I pushed him for an answer he said "I don't know".

I suggested we get couples counselling. I've suggested this a couple of times during arguments over the last 2 months but he never responded. Tonight he said he doesn't think it will change anything. When I said "is it his job?". He said no and that he has felt like this for many years which shocked me even more. It seems like he is not even willing to give counselling a try. And I don't understand why. I still love him and I want to try. Why doesn't he? Is it that he doesn't love me anymore? Or could this be the depression talking? I'm not sure if he has given up on us completely and wants out or if he just feels so hopeless and feels nothing right now. I feel like we've always been close and had a decent relationship. I never thought he'd stop loving me.

I'm not sure how to proceed. I'm hurt and in pain from this revelation but I also want to help him if he is suffering so bad.

[blondguy]

Hi Bella, thankyou for the nice compliment...I actually think you have a great thread here that has helped more people than you think..

Just popping in a seeing how you are going 🙂

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[bellabelle]

Thanks Paul 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Bellabelle,

I'm wondering what you have managed to do these last few days to help make your life more enjoyable?

For me I have been out walking, have started a jigsaw puzzle, went out to lunch with a friend, checked out a movie I hope to see on the weekend, spent some time in the garden and sent some emails to friends who live interstate.

Making time to do the things I enjoy helps me to feel better about life and gives me more strength and ability to then care for others.

Thinking of you as you try to find answers!

From Mrs. Dools

[bellabelle]

Hi Mrs Dools,

Thanks for checking in. I did take some time out for myself 🙂 went to see a movie with my sisters and parents. I also took a trip to the beach with my sister and brother-in-law. I'm trying to keep busy and not think about things too much.

My husband went back to work on Tuesday for 2 weeks. We had our first couples therapy session before he left. Things aren't looking too good. My husband couldn't even decide on whether he wants to even try to fix things. The therapist worked on him quite a bit to get his feelings out. Before he left for work he basically said that when he gets back he will have made a decision on whether he wants to try or leave.

The biggest thing that came out of therapy for me was that he said that I don't listen, he feels he has no say and he is unhappy. He said he has been screaming out for years. The therapist explained that he was having an internal dialogue with himself and that I couldn't be expected to interpret how he was feeling especially as, until recently, he wrote me special cards, sent me loving messages and verbally expressed love for me. He explained this away as him trying to make things work and make himself believe in our relationship. She said this is the first time he has actually communicated the extent of his feelings and I am responding now. I am listening now and acting.

It is all very hurtful and confusing that he says he has been "faking his feelings". I have managed to keep strong and remain supportive of him and positive about trying to work things out.

We talked about the FIFO job and its impact on our relationship and us as individuals. I really feel more and more that this job has damaged us in more ways then we ever imagined it could. The therapist explained how this kind of work is not healthy for relationships and how my husband has become a visitor in our lives. I have not been coping and I have hidden it from family putting me under even more pressure.

Anyway I still cannot believe this has happened to us. We were such a strong couple. Together for 19 years. I never thought he would be the type to just walk away from his family but he is so disconnected right now.

Holding hope that somewhere in his heart he will find a way to try.

[Doolhof]

Hi Bellabelle,

I'm not really sure how to respond to your news. I am so sorry your relationship has come to this.

The therapist you are seeing seems to be very wise and understanding as to what is happening.

It must be difficult for you not knowing which way your husband is going to decide to go when he returns.

Would it help you to have the support of your family and friends right now? Do you think they may suspect something is going on? Has the therapist offered you ideas of hope and help if your husband does decide to leave?

Once again, the main thing is to seek out as much help and advice as you can right now.

Recently I was going to leave my husband but something made me stay. A change of medication, working on Mindfulness techniques, trying to do more things I enjoy, have all helped me to be a happier and more balanced person.

We can not change other people or their opinions very easily if at all.

I'm hoping you reach out to people and ask for as much help as you need right now.

Thinking of you from Mrs. Dools