I don't know what to say

Jayemm · ‎29-10-2018

Hi everyone, I'm new. My partner of 4 years has suffered depression mildly over this time and is under a GP and medicated quite well. Around 8-10 months ago he became less affectionate and I have felt pushed away and rejected. I've talked to him a few times but nothing changed, however a month ago this came up again and he became very depressed. He ended the relationship saying he could never be what I need him to be. We are still friends and I know he needs the support so I'm touching base with him almost every day. He has seen his GP and she has increased his medication and wants him to see a counsellor. This is all great but I don't know what he needs from me. I want to tell him I love him, that I want us together to deal with it .. not apart.

But I need some advice to help me know if telling him all this will add to his stress or should I just hold back on the relationship side and just be his friend. Does it help him to know I still love him and want him when he is ready ... or is this pushing him away. I'm so confused about what he needs from me right now but I'll do anything to help him get better and get us happy again.

Peppermintbach · ‎29-10-2018

Hi Jayemm,

I really feel for you...you must have felt so heart broken when he proposed the break up. I feel that would have been devastating...you clearly love him very much, and he means the world to you...

This must be such a confusing and uncertain time for you. I suspect you might feel as though you’re tiptoeing around him a lot...wanting to express certain things but fearing his response, and not sure when is the best timing (if there’s even such a thing).

I’m not sure if I have any helpful suggestions but I’ll gently offer my thoughts, and you can see if you find them helpful or not...

I think it’s hard to say whether telling him you want to be together again will elicit a positive response from him, or make him feel pressured (so to speak) if he’s not yet ready. I suppose maybe think about whether you’re prepared for the best and worst case scenario...

For example, the best case scenario, would be him wanting to also be with you again, and for you to battle his depression as a united team. But the worst case scenario might be him saying he needs space and that he is unsure about being with you...sorry, I hope my saying that doesn’t upset you. I’m only saying it because I feel it helps to be emotionally prepared for a variety of outcomes from a difficult conversation...

I suppose what I’m getting at is before you decide to have any conversion with him, perhaps reflect on whether you feel emotionally ready for his response, whatever it may be...

That being said, in some ways, it might help to talk to clear the air by talking. Maybe just wait for one of his relatively better days and just say you want to have an open and candid conversation with him to discuss the 2 of you...like a low pressure, casual conversation...you express your feelings and thoughts, and let him express his...see where it leads you.

Sorry, I’m not sure if I’ve been particularly helpful but I just wanted to offer my thoughts anyway...

Feel free to write in any time if you want to continue talking. I, along with others, would be happy to read along and/or support you. That being said, there’s no pressure...only if you feel like it...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

Jayemm · ‎29-10-2018

Thank you Pepper, it was like you were reading my mind. What you described is exactly how I am feeling. I go from acceptance to hope to despair all in the space of one day.

Your comment about being prepared for the worst case scenario was helpful. I think I will hold off for a while because I'm not emotionally ready. In the meantime, every day feels like a week.

Thank you so much again for your wise words and advice.

Jayemm

Peppermintbach · ‎01-11-2018

Hi Jayemm,

It’s lovely to hear from you again. Sorry, it has taken me a couple of days to reply. I’m glad you got a little something from my response.:.

Yes, I would think your emotions would be a bit all over the place. I think it’s the uncertainty of not knowing where you stand with him that’s the hardest...I think loving someone but not knowing where you stand with them can be very painful. I feel for you...

I think your decision to hold off the conversation till you’re feeling more ready is a good idea. Though I get what you’re saying about how it’s a struggle in the mean time. Each day must be very rough...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper