Husband in a dark place

[Mumma_of_2]

Hi everyone.

This is my first time posting but have been reading the threads for quite a while. I was hoping to get some advice.

My husband left me a month ago suddenly when we werent fighting and with no warning. Since then he has spiralled into a dark path and I really dont know what to do.

He is staying with family at their hotel and has been drinking excessively, keeping to himself and sometimes what he says does not make sense. My husband was a very caring loving man and was a wonderful father to our 2 children. For the last month he has barely seen them and doesnt make an effort to keep in touch. He has told me that everything is to much and he wants to give up. He is sensitive to loud noises and runs off to be by himself when something is too loud.

I booked him an appointment to see a gp today and he will be starting counselling and going to a psychiatrist. I guess my question is what else should i do to help me? He is such a kind hearted man and is in such a bad place at the moment.

[white knight]

Hi mumma of 2, welcome

Usually there is an underlying, obvious problem for someone to leave other than noises. Perhaps the children's playing loudly could compound an issue?

There must be other problems like him having a mental illness (there's no point in guessing) or there ate marital problems from his viewpoint.

As it is unknown there is not a lot we can do for him. We are sufferers or carers here.

I have a few threads worth reading, even just the first post.

Im not suggesting you are at faylult in any way. Perhaps he is sensitive or heavily depressed.

Please google these

Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue

Topic: only the strongest survive, make it you- beyondblue

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue

Topic: anxiety, plan your future- beyondblue

Topic: Maharaji-, he helped me for 25 years- beyondblue

Post anytime. Hope we can assist you as things develop.

Tony WK

[geoff]

hello Mumma, Tony is right we don't know why he has left you, unless he has shown problems with depression before, but for him to be drinking excessively definitely indicates that there is something gravely wrong, but for you it means that you are unsure of how to help him.
I'm pleased that you booked an appointment with his GP and the psychiatrist, but there is a great chance he may not want to go even if you have told him that you will be there with him, unfortunately this may happen, until he realises that he does need help.
By being in depression doesn't mean that he maybe in denial, because that could be possible, it was for me for quite awhile until I realised that I needed help only because something awful happened which made me wake up.
As much as you would love for him to return home, but perhaps at the moment it would not be advisable, I say this because the noise won't be of any help, and you maybe asking him to stop his drinking, however I do know that the alcohol isn't going to help him, but he's using it to self-medicate himself and to numb what he is struggling with, so if you keep asking him to stop will only irritant him, so he will then leave again.
I know the consequences of what drinking alcohol are, because I was exactly the same as he is, and the first thing his doctor is going to tell him is to stop, and if this happens then your husband will disconnect himself from what else his doctor has to say, however the doctor will need to know, but hopefully the discussion about the alcohol won't be too severe.
Your husband has to feel safe with his doctor as well as with the psychiatrist, because if this doesn't happen it will put him back further before he even wants to get help again.
Please let us know. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Mum2

Welcome to Beyond Blue. This is a safe place for you to write because no one knows who you are.

How did the appointment with the doctor go? I hope your husband was able to talk about the things that trouble him. As Geoff said, your husband needs to feel the GP is listening to him and understanding what is happening. We stand on the sidelines and watch as our loved ones struggle and it all seems so clear to us. Unfortunately it is not so clear to the person concerned. Your GP and yourself need to go very carefully with your husband so that he does not feel overwhelmed.

Has the doctor made a diagnosis? Your husband may need an antidepressant, although this is not always the case. If he is reluctant to take the meds, then please do not push him. Unfortunately our society is not always kind to those with mental health problems. Taking medication is often seen as a sign of weakness. It's not of course, but when you are in a bad place every little thing can be upsetting.

You asked what you can do. Speaking from my own experience, I think knowing you still love him and want him to return home is good. However, any pressure to return home may push him away. It's a fine line to tread. If you click on the blue tabs at the top of the page, Get Help and The Facts you will find heaps of information about depression and anxiety. This is trustworthy information. You can send for any of these publications or download them. There is information for families and friends on how to help. It is worthwhile to read this.

Please continue to write in here.

Mary