Boyfriend with Depression

[Puppies]

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship since August 2014. At the moment I am at home (3 hours away from him). It is Monday 10th Oct and I haven't seen him since Wednesday last week. When I got home everything was fine and we spoke a bit when I got home on Wednesday evening and I think a couple of messages on Thursday too.

My problem is just that since Thursday/Friday he has said that he doesn't want to talk [to anyone] but I was unsure why. I asked him why and he told me to stop asking why. Finally, this evening, I asked him again and said I needed an explanation for why I'm being ignored. He said that he isn't content with himself at the moment and I guess that's why he feels the need to be alone. Last night when I asked how he was doing he ignored my messages, but finally he said that I smother him. I don't believe this is true [from my view] as we haven't spoken much at all in the last 4 days and we are doing long distance, so I feel we have all the space we could possibly get.

I think what I'm trying to figure out is what I can do to help myself, as well as him. I always feel distant from his life when I'm not with him. Our relationship is fine when I am there [at his house], but I always find that communication lacks, and he wants time alone [away from texting me] when we're apart as well.

I need guidance I think. I feel like I'm the only person who has to go through this scenario [even though that mustn't be true] and that I'm alone when it comes to my own relationship. He's loving, and funny, and he does care about me, but because he's not so in-touch with his emotions, he [and I] often find it difficult understanding what mood he is in, or how he is feeling at that time.

I think I just need guidance for what I can do [to keep busy; assist me; assist him with this situation, etc.] while I am away from him, so that I don't sit around waiting for him to text me first [he usually doesn't] and so that I feel happier within myself when I'm alone.

Thank you,

Puppies. 🙂

[Starwolf]

Hi Puppies,

Feeling in limbo is frustrating, a difficult situation. Your bf has made it obvious that he needs time out. Whether you are smothering him or not is not the issue...the problem is that's how he perceives your attempts to get an explanation that he may still be trying to figure out. At this point in time, insistence from you would only drive him further away. Women like to discuss issues but men often feel more comfortable withdrawing to work them out on their own. You care for him and would like to help but he can't be forced to accept this help, no matter how good your intentions.

Some people need more private head space than others. It sounds like he is perhaps not ready for more togetherness. How compatible are you in this respect ? He obviously has his own life, independent and separate from the relationship. Could the same work out for you or would a closer commitment suit you better ? Different expectations could be hard to resolve in the long term.

The situation is obviously taking its toll on you so please take good care of yourself. Distractions are a good strategy, go out with friends, do whatever makes you feel good, start a new activity / hobby...anything that keeps the mind focused.

Kindest thoughts.

[Puppies]

Hi Startwolf,

What exactly do you mean by togetherness? Our relationship is great when we're together because he always seems to feel better once we see each other again.

The issue, I feel, is that I'm often compromising for him depending on how he is feeling, and never the get the same in return.

Previously, we had agreed to only speak of a night so that we have all day to ourselves and can do what we like, but it seems he doesn't want to do that anymore.

And I also don't feel it is possible for me to be smothering him if we hadn't spoken in 3-4 days. Regardless of whether he feels that way I just don't feel that it is physically possible for me to do anything to help him not feel 'smothered'.

And in regards to your question about closer commitment or having a life independent from the relationship, I feel that the fact we are in a relationship should mean we want our lives together. We have talked about moving in together, and he even brought it up the first time, so that seemed positive, but then he downspirals and just feels bad about himself.

Even though we're in a long distance relationship I have always thought that we should stay connected when we are apart. He is my life and I do everything I would ever think was good for him, but I don't think he sees that, and it's hard on me because I don't often feel appreciated. However, I am appreciated, and I know that he appreciates everything I do for him, because he has said it before, but if I'm not reassured it is often harder to remember that.

Thanks for your reply, I just thought that as we are in a partnership we should be compromising for each other.

[Starwolf]

Hi again,

Yes, I understand that normally, relationships are based on communication and compromise. However, depression often makes both difficult. There is a tendency for sufferers to withdraw periodically as the illness moves in waves. This explains the yo-yo effect in the relationship and why your partner downspirals. It is a complex condition which is difficult to understand for those affected...even more so for their loved ones.

Depression can be all-consuming . As a result, it tends to make us self-absorbed at times. So yes, it feels that relationships are then one-sided and unbalanced. Have you checked the "Supporting someone" section at the bottom of this page ?

How exactly can we help you deal with this ? What are your expectations ?

[Puppies]

I think I just feel really alone and I feel that nobody else has to go through this in their relationship (which i know is not the case).

As a girlfriend I want to be the best I can be for my partner, and I do everything I do with good intentions, but when I can't do anything because I'm either 3 hours away or he doesn't want to communicate I just find it difficult.

I haven't been diagnosed with anxiety but I've had it since I was a child and it runs in the family, and so I know what physiological symptoms I experience when I feel anxious and I find that I experience the most anxiety in the relationship when there's a lack of communication, or when I know I'm being pushed away.

I guess there's nothing I can do about whether he wants to talk or not but because I experience this anxiety I feel that it is a big problem for me.

I just want to hear from people and their experiences and what they have done in these situations, even to hear from those who suffer depression and how it can make them feel. I feel that that would help me get a bit of an insight into how he could be feeling when he goes through the waves of depression.

[Starwolf]

Your bf is lucky to have your support and willingness to help...though he may not be fully aware of this commitment. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I suggest you get your hands on as much info as possible, both about depression and how to help and support him. A lot of it can be found at the bottom of this page. Some of it can be ordered free of charge (see Get Support). Navigating the Carers section of these forums will allow you to connect with those who are in similar situations. You are definitely not alone in this.

Looking after someone with depression can be draining, sometimes bewildering. It is easy to put your own needs on the back burner. It is not a good idea, they too need your attention if you don't want to end up with burn out. Check "Looking after yourself" too...

I hope some of this helps.

[Puppies]

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.

I'll have a look at the sections you mentioned, I think I'll do some research and stuff as well.

Thank you

[Lorna5]

Hi,

i feel like I'm in a very similar situation to yourself. My bf has explained he suffers from depression and at present isn't doing well. When I've been with him lately, whilst not the same as when he was in a good place, we are able to enjoy each other's company. However, when we are apart, trying to get him on the phone or respond to msgs is extremely difficult. I to am really struggling with being ignored and not understanding why it is so hard to reply to a simple message. I let my emotions get the better of me the other day, and I feel I have now pushed him further away. I'm very anxious about it all and scared he is going to leave me because of the effect it is having on me. I want to give him space and not hassle him about it but it's so hard when the person who love is struggling to not want to talk to them or see them. My mind wonders all the time to moments when he wasn't down and how great that was and it's just making me miserable. I've found myself now staying in my room for hours on end being so emotional over this. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone as I don't feel it's my place to tell them what he is going through. I wish he would allow me to talk to him about this. It is very hard to help and know what to do.

[RJ25]

Hi Lorna5,

I'm going through something similar too. My bf previously warned me that xmas time is very emotional for him and has now asked that we just be friends. Whilst it goes against everything i believe, I have told him that I want more than friends, however, I will agree to do this for now. I feel that I made my position on the matter clear to him but have taken a step back to give him his space. All a really want to do is tell him i love him and give him a big hug and talk it through BUT...... this is not what he's asked for. I recently found a quote on pinterest that ended with "Show him that he deserves love that will free him and make his life better rather than becoming another burden". This really hit home to me and has given me the ability to really think about my reaction rather than controlling the situation. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts, i still cry and i still want to go running to him. Every time i get like this though, I reread that quote and it helps put everything into perspective. Good luck. x

[Queenb]

Hi lorna5

i went through a very similar thing with my ex, I had noticed he had been different and backing away for while I letting emotions get the better of me and unfortunately I did end up pushing him away because I didn't know how to deal with it. I didn't understand why it was so hard for him to talk to me and why the conversations went from being so different to how they used to be. I let my overthinking and insecurities ruin my relationship. I didn't understand why he didn't talk to me about the things that was happening to him and I didn't know how to help him. I completely understand as this happened to me and all I wanted to do was see him and I pushed him. Even after the break up I still want to help him and be there for him. He saw the effect it was having on me and that's why he left