Hurt by partner telling me to toughen up - anyone had this experience?

[jollydolly]

I've been posting in the Anxiety forum about my current difficulties, which involve taking some time off work. Last night my fiance (we have a child together as well) who had been angry at me and not told my why, said I should 'toughen up' and that I should be at work. He also said I didn't understand how to be part of a strong team.

I feel really sad about this, and confused because of how it relates to my own internal narrative of hopeless, weak, not good at life...those things that feed anxiety to begin with. He has spoken about other people with depression or anxiety as being weak and dragging others down to their level. That was always hard to take, but I've not hidden my past experiences with these conditions from him. I told him when we met that I took antidepressants.

I will be seeing a psychologist tomorrow and will of course discuss this, but wondered if anyone else has had this experience, and whether they were able to change the person's mind?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi jollydolly,

I feel your fiancé’s words must have really stung, especially when as you said, it reinforces your own self doubts and struggles. It would have really hurt your feelings...

I think sometimes people don’t always understand mental health issues, especially if they haven’t experienced it personally and/or due to their upbringing and perceptions of mental illness. I know this isn’t the same as your experience, but in my culture(s), mental health issues are barely acknowledged with an attitude that is similar to your fiance’s “toughen up” mentality. Stoicism and a strong sense of almost militant “duty” in the face of adversity is a huge part of my cultural background...

Good on you for seeing your psych tomorrow. I’m not sure what the best approach is, but I wonder if it would help to perhaps print some fact sheets about depression, etc from the BeyondBlue website. Or even ask your psychologist to explain mental health issues to him. Perhaps he will be more receptive that way...just a gentle suggestion but up to you...

Kind thoughts to you today,

Pepper

[white knight]

Hi and welcome

Its fairto say that around 15-20% of people understand mental illness or are empathetic for us.

Thats low. It means we cannot educate those that chose not to be.

It is far easier to judge such persons as incapable of extending their care levels.

In defence of them, we have illnesses that they cannot see, are not discussed often enough and arent even mentioned in schools.

As an example I told my cousin I have depression - his reply "what are you sad about? ...we can go to the footy".

It doesnt mean he doesnt live me or care. It means he knows zilch.

Peppermint Bach is right, it must have hurt, that comment. We the unwell dont ask for much but compassion is a necessity...not total understanding imo

TonyWK

[jollydolly]

Thanks white knight and Peppermint for your replies - I appreciate it.

It did hurt, mostly because it was what I had feared happening. But even though I didn't believe it at first, I said to myself, "Well, I know that's not how this works. It's not about being tough - I am tough already." It helped a bit, to shift his version of 'the truth' away from me. The psychologist said, "Well, it sounds like he doesn't get it" but she didn't dwell on the importance of 'making' him understand by sharing resources or websites - we kind of moved on to other aspects of my situation. I had seen the GP the day before, and he said that he hears that ll the time, that it's not uncommon. Which is crap, but kind of made me feel better as well...

But I think I would like to pass on a resource to him, and have had a look at a few possibilities. I think that shows not only that I'm trying to explain it, but that I haven't accepted his version of reality. I'm also not feeling sorry for myself, which I was at first. I'd like to, but it doesn't really do any good, does it???

Thanks again.

[smallwolf]

Hi JollyDolly,

There is little that you can do to help make other understand for a variety of reasons. It could be they don't have to the lived experience, or believe in it, or "something else". Now I did explain it to my wife, not because she was no supportive, but did not have any real understanding of what it was about. I also suggest she read the resources on beyond blue but I dont really think that she has. But she is supportive (at least).

More recently, I was talking with my dad (late 70s) while walking. He was changing medications for depression at the time as well and the transition was hard. He said that it would be better if he were dead if he did not get better. My reaction was more of a non-reaction. (In the past I would probably would have been emotional at some level.) When I related what had happened to my psychologist, she described it as a positive. This was different to hiding emotions, but more in the control of the situation.

It sounds likes you are getting a good grasp of your situation, regardless of what others might think. Stay Strong!

Tim

[therising]

Hi jollydolly

Yes, there's a whole list of typical comments from folk who don't fully understand mental illness:

• toughen up
• why do you have to bring everyone down
• why can't you just smile for once
• what's wrong with you
• why can't you just fix your self (why do you have to get someone else to do it)
• just calm down and stop being so dramatic

Hmm, the list goes on, based on ignorance. I believe the real ignorance is more so about ignoring the opportunity to truly understand mental illness. Some folk would rather be right than be educated in regard to things they know very little about.

I like to use a bit of an unusual analogy when speaking about depression, as one example of mental challenge (something I experienced in my earlier years):

If you say to a sober person 'Be drunk!' they will typically say 'I can't, I haven't had any alcohol'. Your response, 'It doesn't matter. I want and expect you to be drunk!' This argument could go on for hours but it will not change the fact that a sober person cannot be drunk without the right chemistry going on in their brain. Once the chemicals in alcohol meet with our systems (brain included), a change in chemistry becomes evident in a variety of ways. So...it makes sense to say that without the right balance of chemicals such a serotonin, dopamine etc, demanding someone 'Be motivated and be happy' is pretty unrealistic. Having our chemistry stimulated through the right therapy and/or medication becomes the goal. Whilst 'toughen up' does not offer any form of management plan what-so-ever, seeking the right professional help and guidance does. By the way, I'm in no way suggesting alcohol use; it's just an example of chemistry .

I'm glad to hear you refer to your fiance's comments as 'His version of the truth'. It's important you find your own truth to believe in. You'll definitely find greater truth through understanding how you tick, with the help and education from your GP and psychologist.

We are super complex creatures for sure. As far as the brain goes, the experts would agree that it has taken more than a century of exploring what is just the tip of the ice-burg in regard to understanding what the brain is capable of and how it interacts with the rest of our body (such as with anxiety and the autonomic nervous system).

Take care jollydolly and keep up the personal education on your path of discovering nothing but the truth

[Rabbit33]

Hi Jollydolly

I've been in this boat before and it's a real hard one. I think the issue is, that maybe your partner just doesn't have an emotional side to them, that enables them to feel and empathise with your situation. It doesn't mean that they don't love you, because they do, it's just in their own way. They are unable to comprehend the feelings that you are experiencing, therefore reject your emotions. I've also had friends in similar situations, it seems some people are wired differently and they just lack the empathy and understanding that your seeking. BUT don't worry, it is okay to look else where for this support. As you said you're seeing your psychologist tomorrow. Maybe you have a couple of close friends you can speak with? I had a very similar situation with me and my ex - partner and what i ended up doing was explaining to them that their negative input is actually making me feel worse so could they please not get involved. You are 100% entitled to feel the way you are feeling and be affected by certain circumstances the way that you have been affected.

Luckily for me, my partners work place hosted a mental health awareness day and suddenly 'the penny dropped' he rang me in tears, he had to walk out of the presentation because he wanted to apologise for treating me bad, not listening and that he finally gets how i felt. FINALLY! after 5 years. Any-who, i wouldn't spend too much time and energy focusing on this being the issue at hand. presuming you're able to open up here, then you're able to open up with your psychologist and/or close friend in regards to your partners lack of compassion and empathy? I sense that maybe try focus on your self-confidence because you deserve to feel empowered and then getting to the root of the problem that you're experiencing. Once you've identified this, you'll slowly see that everything else just starts to fall into place. Including the negative feed back.. it'll just disappear.

Life has a funny way of showing us things sometimes. I believe that sometimes the greater the fall or problem, the bigger the reward will be at the end, when you come out the other end, smiling. There is always a silver lining, you just gotta look carefully for it and remain positive.

hang in there! You got this. SMILE! 🙂

[jollydolly]

Wow, thanks everyone for your posts in response to me. I really appreciate it.

Rabbit33, I smiled when I read your story about the man who learned to be aware of mental health...I'm so glad it hit home so much that he had to call you.

I would once have thought it impossible, like physically, laws-of-nature IMPOSSIBLE not to focus on something like this response I got, but you're right, it's not the most important thing to focus on and I can't spare the energy. It has since gotten worse, with him giving me the silent treatment for several days and not asking how I am. Ironically, his rather cold response is having the effect of toughening me up! But also driving me away.

I have had glimpses of what you're talking about in the past - when I'm confident and focused, I can take negative feedback in many forms and keep it in perspective. I look forward to creating those cirumstances again. SOON!!!!

[Rabbit33]

It is funny how things work out. The ones we think will be there for us in our times of need, alway tend to be the ones who let us down. That's why i think at the end of the day we need to just make sure we are doing what we think is right. Be good to yourself and be good to others and in return the universe should send goodness back your way.

Never let someone else's negative input weigh down on you so heavily. We only allow people to hurt us with words, if we give strength to what they are saying. I have no doubt that you will definitely be back in that place of confidence and inner strength in no time! We all have our down times. We all cry. it's healthy. 🙂