How to support married son with severe depression when his wife seems to make situation worse

[Elizabeth CP]

MY DIL rang today to report that my son has left work due to MI. She is going away for 12 days & needs us to watch out for my son & to step in to prevent DHS removing their children if he gets worse. My son has a history of depression. I spent a lot of time supporting him when he was single & eventually got him back on track. Not working has made his MI worse. Working really helps him manage his depression. My DIL has no financial sense & this has led to them getting into debt, being forced to move house & being unable to afford essentials such as rent. Financial stress has had a bad impact on my son's MI. They need to move in a couple of weeks & I believe they are currently in severe financial difficulties.

His wife refuses to listen to advice & likes to control everything. She is constantly bossing my son around & puts him down continually. Because of his MI he doesn't have the strength to stand up to her & gives in to her demands

She is leaving for a 12 day cruise even though they can't afford it. My son is expected to be available to look after their children so is unable to work.

I'm unsure how to support him at this time. Im worried about tipping myself over the edge trying to cope. I also care for my husband who is blind & has a degenerative condition.

[Croix]

Dear Elizabeth~

Like Birdy and all the others it would be great if there was some concrete advice to offer. I guess if there was a clear course of action you would have thought of it yourself a long time ago, you are very capable and realistic.

I would be absolutely certain your son knows of your love for him, how could he not. You try time after time. It is so sad that he is the only one with the ability to reduce his stress. You are on the sidelines powerless and hurting.

At least he is away in hospital, something I have found to have been a very great help when thinking of killing myself, or just when stress has overwhelmed. I've found one thing I can do is leave a message of love with the ward staff, that way I do not get enmeshed when I can't afford it.

I think the fact your DIL was able to conjure up babysitters when you were not available is significant and may well show she is quite capable when she has to be.

Maybe the fact that not only your psych but also others here have said distance from your son's predicament is needed will help to stop you feeling so guilty (well, I hope it does). You are not a bottomless well of support, you are a human being and have the limitations that goes with it. After yourself I guess what's left is needed by your husband.

Croix

[Just Sara]

Hi Elizabeth;

Birdy and Croix have provided really helpful, compassionate and insightful posts. I do want you to know I care and want what's best for you at this obviously scary and problematic time.

I began to comprehend my existence in other people's lives better, when I accepted that each one is an individual in their own right just as I am.

We all cope as best as we can and try to help others along the way. Some suffer with guilt etc, but some don't. I'm one of those people now; I never used to be, but learning how debilitating it is to never quite feel I've helped 'enough' forced me to change my attitude.

The other thing is 'enabling'. There are people that suck the life out of us using 'feel sorry for me' excuses and con's because it's just so bloody hard! Most times I think because it's habitual.

When we bend over backwards for these people, we're promoting their addiction to outside support instead of their own sense of survival, growth and accomplishment.

Do you understand what I'm getting at? Sometimes 'we're' the problem. We can be just as addicted to supporting people as they can be using us. Actually, it can be a match made in heaven for some.

I had to step back from my son to allow him space to learn from adversity. He's a better man for it and has thanked me.

I'm not saying this applies to your son at this time as it's a scary situation. But your DIL needs to fall a couple of times to learn how to get up. That's how we did it yes?

Why then do we expect more from ourselves than 'them'? We're all equally accountable for our lives, so why do you suffer guilt when loved one's 'fall'? It's a very important facet of life and learning.

I'm going to leave things there ok. I look forward to hearing your views on these issues. I'm sorry too if I've phrased things a bit iffy; I've been awake all night and it's after 5am; the brain's only working on one cylinder.

Go gently with kindness towards yourself ok...

Sez

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you Croix & Sez,

I appreciate you taking the time to reply & give me some encouragement. At the moment my husband is my primary concern. I need to do all in my power to stop a relapse which remains a high risk so I can't help my son or his family until my husband is much better.

The problem is that I will still have to face the issue with my son & DIL at some point. I feel very conflicted in what I should do.

Even as a young child I wanted to help. I liked feeling useful & family has always been very important to me. These are positive traits. Unfortunately some traumatic experiences as a child left me feeling guilty & not good enough which has meant I've developed a tendency to push myself too far so I can feel useful or accepted. I am worried that if my son killed himself or suffered irreversible harm I would feel guilty for not doing more to help.

The other side of the coin is that I don't want to enable my son & DIL to continue in their current lifestyle with constant need to rely on outside supports & inability to learn from mistakes.

When my son first became MI I was his main support. I worked with him & the health professionals to find ways to enable him to recover. It took time but we succeeded & he was able to work & enjoy a normal life. Now this hs all been lost & I see decisions being made which are unhelpful to him but because only the DIL speaks to the mental health team the health professionals know nothing about his past history & what works. I feel powerless to help.

[Just Sara]

And it's that powerlessness that requires attention Elizabeth;

You said it yourself; there's nothing you can do when your son goes home. The only option is to live your life and deal with hubby. Is this so bad?

Living in your head among the what-if's can really hurt. I know it well and had to stop, otherwise I would've ended up back in hospital.

What if he doesn't need you anymore?

Isn't this what you're getting at Elizabeth? If we're not needed and useful, we're not loved right? I felt this every time my son hit another milestone. Pulling away as I eventually did, tore at my heart. It's a mother's burden to carry.

How terribly sad that this boy who once loved you unconditionally and relied on you every moment of the day, is now in the hands of another woman. Sigh..I know this feeling so well.

Dysfunctional childhood beliefs represent wounds and their scars; some still open and painful. I understand where you're coming from there ok.

Again, I've given you things to chew on for a while. Take care...

Sez x

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Sara,

You asked What if he didn't need me any more? If that was the case it would be OK.

I have 5 children 4 of whom are married. Two live overseas. I was brought up believing family was really important. Migrating to Australia when 5 meant leaving extended family behind & really missing them. Something I didn't want my children to experience. The rest of my family are very close. Even the ones overseas speak regularly on skype to us & their siblings. We help each other when needed & when able & often there are offers of help before people are asked. For example one sone lives nearby & I often get asked to babysit when needed but other times he will ring & offer to help in my garden.

It is different with my son who is unwell. His wife takes everyone for granted & expects me to fit in with her wishes but there is no reciprocal support. I am concerned about being left to deal with the aftermath if things get much worse because there would be nobody left to help my son.

The reason I started this thread was in the hope maybe someone had been through a simailar experience. Maybe there is someone out there who has struggled with depression perhaps been hospitalised & could say X did this for me & it really helped or Y did something but I found it unhelpful or I wish someone had done..... when I was in that position.

or carers /family members who can say ......... really helped in my situation.

Obviously my situation might be different but having some ideas may help prompt me to think of something. which helps

[therising]

Hi Elizabeth CP

You sound like a beautiful caring person. We need more people like you in this world. Its been a little while since your last post so things may have changed a bit for you and your son, hopefully for the better.

From one mother to another, it may be tempting to save our children yet our true role is to guide them best we can. Seeing mothers do tend to have a bit of a guilt thing going at times, when it comes to their kids, let me elaborate on the guilt aspect. Guilt is not designed to have us beat ourselves up, it is designed to have us ask 'Who do I want to be?' Don't feel bad about not helping at times, just decide who you wish to be in the moment. Eg: I want to be someone who guides others through advice. I want to be someone who does not enable others when it comes to offensive behaviour. I want to be someone who gives priority to those who need the most care at the time. Guilt isn't a bad thing, its our compass of consciousness (giving us direction).

I'd spent 15 years of my life in depression (coming out of it more than a decade ago thank goodness). The thing that changed my life was group therapy. Meeting like minded people in counseling sessions was my key out of that psychological prison. Not sure whether your son would consider the benefits of group therapy/support. Such a setting would give him time out from his wife, time he gives to himself in recovery. Its a chance to meet other 'warriors at war' with depression. It's a chance to feel 'normal' for a while each week. With your son having previous experience with the mental health system, I imagine he would not completely dismiss the idea of further psychological help of some kind.

Your DIL sounds a bit like an energy vampire (sucking the life out of the people around her). Your son definitely sounds like he needs breaks from her. Gone are the days where most blokes met down the pub, between work and home, to unwind and release tension. I feel a little sorry for men these days; how things have changed as the pressures of life mount up.

We all need the right motive to change. Speak to your son about pinpointing his motivation for change. My motivation was my children - becoming well for them. He can also be an example for his children. As I say to my kids, 'There is always someone to speak to, even if its in the form of a good mental health professional'. My kids understand that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness.

All the best and remember to take care of yourself!

[Elizabeth CP]

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. Your advice seems very relevent to me. I am currently under a lot of pressure due to my husband so have been forced to put my son's issues aside while I deal with the current crisis. I will reread what you wrote as soon as i have time & then ponder on what I can do to improve the situation.

I will get back to you. Thank you It helps to have people who seem to understand