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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Ineedhelpplease Feel so helpless, husband in different state and depressed
  • replies: 3

Hi, so I’m new to this, let me start off with we had a big move in 2016 spent our life’s savings moving only to find my husbands job that we moved for fell through and we’re both without jobs for 4 months, he finally got the job but it was too late s... View more

Hi, so I’m new to this, let me start off with we had a big move in 2016 spent our life’s savings moving only to find my husbands job that we moved for fell through and we’re both without jobs for 4 months, he finally got the job but it was too late so we decided together that me and the kids would go back and live at his parents, we have now been apart for 7 months but in the last 2 weeks my husband has taken a turn for the worse, I hadn’t realised he was feeling the way he was and told me he couldn’t see colours anymore and everything was dark and grey and then said he was going to do everyone a favour!! Sending me into dispair so i booked a ticket and went to visit him, but he wasn’t the man he used to be he couldn’t look at me, touch me, talk to me or kiss me, he also told me i should nice back to England with the kids but knew this was a front to try and push me away, I told him I would never leave him and would always be here to support him... I stayed strong all weekend and the moment I couldn’t see him I broke down for 4 Hrs looking like a crazy woman on the flight!!! Scary thing is no one asked me if I was ok..... the worst part of it all is he won’t go and see a doctor and I can’t get him to go and see one, I can’t make him do the things he needs to from a different state, I know I need to give him time but being so far apart I don’t know what’s happening.... our kids are very young 18 months and 3 1/2 years but his shut everyone out and won’t talk to anyone, only me over txt rarely, he won’t answer my calls and ignores me, he managed to FaceTime the kids for 10 mins the other day... which I’m so thankful for as my son is starting to act out... I’m really starting to struggle with this... it seems like there’s no end in sight, I know he loves me and the kids but I really need him to come home so we can help him get thru this!!! I’m so lost without him!!!

Supportive BP daughter
  • replies: 2

Hi, my BP 1 daughter was in a clinic b4 Xmas & on meds, back at work and doing well. However her Dr told her that it is ok to have 1-2 drinks. I am sure he meant occasionally. Not saying alcohol is an issue with her, but as we know 2 easily turns int... View more

Hi, my BP 1 daughter was in a clinic b4 Xmas & on meds, back at work and doing well. However her Dr told her that it is ok to have 1-2 drinks. I am sure he meant occasionally. Not saying alcohol is an issue with her, but as we know 2 easily turns into more & it affects meds efficiency etc. I could smell alcohol on her breath, didn't say anything but asked her does she stick to 2 drinks when out & she said yes & no side effects at all. I want to discuss my concerns with her but it's awkward. Do I just back off? This is so difficult, constantly worrying about her wellbeing & wanting her to stay well. I have accepted this BP isn't going to go away & she will need to manage for the rest of her life, but as a Mum it's consuming me. I haven't sought help yet for me, but intend to. Guess I am powerless over someone else's actions & just have to be there to pick up the pieces, which I fear and dread.

Betty111 Mother of a 15 year old girl with anxiety
  • replies: 3

Hi, I’ve got a 15 year old and has been struggling with going to school in the mornings for about 3 years now. Have been to Headspace but not much help. i need a Phsyciatrist in Melbourne. can anyone one recommend please. Very desperate

Hi, I’ve got a 15 year old and has been struggling with going to school in the mornings for about 3 years now. Have been to Headspace but not much help. i need a Phsyciatrist in Melbourne. can anyone one recommend please. Very desperate

uber BP exhausted
  • replies: 7

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. During that time she has had 4 manic BP episodes, typically 2 years apart, always starting in Spring. Although she was diagnosed sometime back with BP 1, she generally wont accept the diagnosis and bel... View more

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. During that time she has had 4 manic BP episodes, typically 2 years apart, always starting in Spring. Although she was diagnosed sometime back with BP 1, she generally wont accept the diagnosis and believes she is "high functioning" and self medicates. Each episode last for 4 to 6 months, starts slowly then accelerates before the inevitable crash. I have educated myself on BP because I had no knowledge of it, needed to understand what I was getting myself into and to distinguish the illness from the actions. Even with all this knowledge I have to admit this time I'm stuffed, its been months again of reckless spending, brought a new car even though she had one already, refinanced the home loan redrawing 40k, buying stupid and ridiculous gumtree items, starting a million projects and not finishing one, wanting to party party all the time, and yes aggressive and nasty towards me because I am trying to stop her from making the same dumb decisions she always does. This is always the pattern unfortunately, and then it takes another year to undo all the stupid mistakes. She also is naturally very sexual, and during a manic episode becomes hyper sexual, contacts old boyfriends (just to catch up), recounts the same intense love stories of previous lovers over and over again like she is living it presently. They are always the same stories and same people. Although, she says she has never cheated there have been many instances where this probably occurred, and she will say things during a episode like, "I need to tell you something important, we need to have that talk", then within a blink of the eye changes tact to say we can have that talk another day. When eventually that "other day" arrives, generally post episode, she always claims she has memory lapses and cannot remember what she said or did. I am almost at the end of what I can tolerate, I have asked her to come to counselling but she refuses, I want to go to the DR with her but she will only go alone, she fluctuates between I love you, to days of constant harassment, arguing, if I have an opinion different to hers WW3 breaks out. thinks its funny to tell me how she slept with someone on the weekend only to laugh and think it was funny to see my reaction, because off course she didn't, and apparently I deserved to feel on edge because I haven't supported her enough. I'm so spun out at the moment, exhausted and left wondering.

BuggyBoo Husband in Denial
  • replies: 5

My husband suffers from MI and has done (noticably) for a few years. I've asked on several occasions for him to seek help -not just for him, but to save our marriage as it's really reaching a point where its affecting me also. I've read through a few... View more

My husband suffers from MI and has done (noticably) for a few years. I've asked on several occasions for him to seek help -not just for him, but to save our marriage as it's really reaching a point where its affecting me also. I've read through a few of the threads and found comfort in knowing that there are others in a similar situation to ourselves. Hubby is like Jeckyl and Hyde. I find it hard to change my mood as quick as he does, when one minute he's telling me he no longer wants to be around and the next, he's laughing at something on the tv or talking to a friend on the phone like nothing is wrong. Sometimes things get thrown around for no obvious reason. I obviously don't spot the triggers I guess? Although, he's never physically harmed me. But I'm really struggling to want to be around him, however he keeps saying that I'm the only one who cares and I'm his only friend. I feel a massive sense of guilt because I'm struggling so much to make him happy again and because I don't know what to do to fix things. He frequently donates significant sums of money to mental health charities, but refuses to get help himself, he posts on social media about looking out for signs of mental health issues, but fails to recognise his own and he doesn't see how not getting help is creating this massive turmoil in our marriage. What do I do? Do I walk away in the hope that he seeks assistance because he realises that I can't cope or do I stay, knowing that it is affecting my health and happiness but I can help keep him out of harming himself?? I feel so lost.

Desperate_Husband What do I do...
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone... I come here out of desperation and don’t know what to do... Long story short, my wife is denial of her regular mood swings and what happens when she gets angry... i know it’s a mistake on my end to react but I do, which amplifies the s... View more

Hi everyone... I come here out of desperation and don’t know what to do... Long story short, my wife is denial of her regular mood swings and what happens when she gets angry... i know it’s a mistake on my end to react but I do, which amplifies the situation even further... I try so hard to control myself but more often than not, I end up reacting... I am only human so not perfect either... the doctor has diagnosed her with PCOS, so my understanding is that regular mood swings and irrational behaviour a result of this... problem is she is denial of what she does and what happens... she wont seek help... its affecting me so much to the level I don’t want to go home anymore... if I was to try tell her parents about this, I am sure she would say I am making stuff up to them and I can’t get anyone to genuinely help me to help her... I guess the reason I am here is because I still do love her... and genuinely want to get her through this or some sort of help or manage it... I am accused of trying to attack her if I want to help... i have tried so many times to try genuinely say we need a solution to fix this but it falls on deaf ears... i think what amplifies the situation is when I react... I try so hard but can’t put up with the irrationality... i explain things rationally and she will ignore it and harp on about something else, which makes me fume even more... some examples of the behaviour: 1. Wants my attention all the time. If she doesn’t get it, mood swing... 2. If I am tired, doesn’t understand it all... gets moody. Slams doors or storms off. When asked about it, either denies it happend or justifies it that I should be more excited or energetic... 3. She will fight to death about stupid things like 1 plus 3 is 5 (metaphor for how something with a single rational answer can’t be anything else...). 4. Can have so many emotions or swings within a short time. 5. Just picks random fights, e.g had a doctors appointment set by the doctor then yells at me we have to go to the doctor on my timetable... I have to go now but will provide some more details soon... in the meantime... any suggestions for help...?

Adylia Contacting a family member or friend when you’re down
  • replies: 2

Hello all, I have been encouraged to talk to family and friends more whenever I feel down and depressed, however, I am noticing some trends. I invite you to add to this discussion about what you have experienced from those who know and do not know ab... View more

Hello all, I have been encouraged to talk to family and friends more whenever I feel down and depressed, however, I am noticing some trends. I invite you to add to this discussion about what you have experienced from those who know and do not know about mental health. I find that some friends do the ‘me too’ idea a little too much. Eg. “yeah that’s like the time where this happened to me, that seems similar but actually isn’t and I just missed the point”. This leaves me feeling like I am over reacting and not managing my sadness ‘normally’. What’s worse is that after saying this, they often either avoid talking about the strategies they took to overcome it or just mention the whole ‘time heals’ thing. I think the biggest issue here is that yes they have had hard times, but they haven’t gone through depression/the feeling incredibly sad for no reason thing. The next one is my parents. They are ‘fix it’ people. If I tell them I am feeling down, they jump to the ‘why’ and ‘here is the solution’. Having grown up with lots of neglect, all I am after is consolation and support, a hug, or just acceptance that crying is okay. When I was little, my parents always thought I was putting on the ‘water works’, as a result, a state of crying is always a T intersection of either ‘get over it’ or ‘solve it’. Was the suggestion of contacting someone close to you not a good one? Has anyone tried this to find it worked?

RubyRed23 Boyfriend has severe depression & is pushing me away
  • replies: 1

Been with my boyfriend for 4 years (both in mid 20s), although the last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster. Out of what seems like no where, my boyfriend admitted he was struggling mentally & insisted that to better himself, we couldn't be together an... View more

Been with my boyfriend for 4 years (both in mid 20s), although the last 2 weeks have been a rollercoaster. Out of what seems like no where, my boyfriend admitted he was struggling mentally & insisted that to better himself, we couldn't be together anymore. Saying he needed to make radical changes within his life. I pleaded with him to let me in, let me help, but he wouldn't budge. He said things like how we're on different paths, how he thinks he is dragging me down & how I deserve more than how he treats me. Even though he insists he would never find someone better than me, he insists we have to break up. This hit me hard, especially considering it coming out of no where. So different than the outgoing, funny guy that I'm used to. The next day we had a long conversation & he decided having some time apart to work on himself is whats best, after that we can re-evaluate how he feels & if the future includes me. He let me in slightly on how he was feeling, showing me a journal entry of how he felt, saying things like how he felt like he was dying inside, how he felt pathetic, mediocre & alone. It absolutely tears me apart to think that he's feeling this way & I am potentially a cause to his pain, & how I could have done something to help before it got to this point. Over the past few months I've noticed he has been taking "party drugs" much more frequently & heavily. It kills me that he's doing this to himself but he insists that it's the only way he's been getting any form of happiness recently. I suggested to him to stop with the drugs & see someone about his mental health (even simply calling a helpline) but he refused. After a week (what he suggested) I contacted him to see how he was feeling asking if he wanted to catch up & he said no as he was working on things & wanted to get his head right before seeing me again. He told me he saw a doctor & was working on a mental health plan. A few days later I asked if he wanted to grab coffee & his reply was quite short saying how he "didn't want to complicate this", "not to push him" & how he was "doing this for me" & not to make him "stop all together". But it seems as if I was the only change within his life as he continues to go out, see friends, etc. While I'm left by myself struggling to comprehend this. I guess I'm really struggling with 1. dealing with this myself & 2. wondering what I can do to help him. Any advice or hearing anyone in similar situations would be greatly appreciated, thank you.

Jenny_T Lost and depressed - How to support my teenager?
  • replies: 3

My 13th daughter refused to go to school today, another day similar to last year. She is seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist but nothing seems to work. Now she is lying there, and I'm so depressed. What you do, as a parent to support your child on ... View more

My 13th daughter refused to go to school today, another day similar to last year. She is seeing a psychologist, a psychiatrist but nothing seems to work. Now she is lying there, and I'm so depressed. What you do, as a parent to support your child on the day they don't want to go to school? I could not stay home any longer, otherwise I could loose my job.

Glee57 Supporting my adult child
  • replies: 1

First timer. I have a 40 y/o daughter who was diagnosed with pnd after the birth of her second child and it has been a battle since. Her marriage broke up and then she became involved with a man who has his own issues and used excessive alcohol to de... View more

First timer. I have a 40 y/o daughter who was diagnosed with pnd after the birth of her second child and it has been a battle since. Her marriage broke up and then she became involved with a man who has his own issues and used excessive alcohol to deal with things. My daughter now is doing the same. Following an AVO a few months ago my daughter assured me that things are now under control. However reports from other family members indicate that she is lying. My concern is not just for her but also for my grandchildren. My daughter has a history of presenting as if everything is good until she falls in a heap. An incident a few months ago ended at hospital where she admitted that she had been using alcohol to deal with things and agreed to go back to her doctor to link back in with mental health services. She tells me that she is still seeing her therapist regularly but I’m not sure if this is true. She is alienating her family unless they are willing to accept this relationship. I’m not sure whether I should push things with her and risk being totally cut off or just sit and wait for another drama. Any advise?