Husband in Denial

BuggyBoo · ‎17-01-2018

My husband suffers from MI and has done (noticably) for a few years. I've asked on several occasions for him to seek help -not just for him, but to save our marriage as it's really reaching a point where its affecting me also.
I've read through a few of the threads and found comfort in knowing that there are others in a similar situation to ourselves. Hubby is like Jeckyl and Hyde. I find it hard to change my mood as quick as he does, when one minute he's telling me he no longer wants to be around and the next, he's laughing at something on the tv or talking to a friend on the phone like nothing is wrong. Sometimes things get thrown around for no obvious reason. I obviously don't spot the triggers I guess? Although, he's never physically harmed me. But I'm really struggling to want to be around him, however he keeps saying that I'm the only one who cares and I'm his only friend. I feel a massive sense of guilt because I'm struggling so much to make him happy again and because I don't know what to do to fix things.
He frequently donates significant sums of money to mental health charities, but refuses to get help himself, he posts on social media about looking out for signs of mental health issues, but fails to recognise his own and he doesn't see how not getting help is creating this massive turmoil in our marriage.
What do I do? Do I walk away in the hope that he seeks assistance because he realises that I can't cope or do I stay, knowing that it is affecting my health and happiness but I can help keep him out of harming himself?? I feel so lost.

geoff · ‎18-01-2018

hello BuggyBoo, I want to thank you for coming to the site and posting your question, well the first thing you must do is look after yourself, because if you aren't strong enough to be able to handle your husband then both of you will be in the same condition, that's why it would be a good idea to book an appointment to see your doctor.

Write down what has been happening so that the doctor will know because if you go and see him they will ask 'how can I help you' that's when you might forget all the important issues.

Those triggers you may not know about but a psychologist will outline them for you.

Your husband maybe in denial, however he keeps donating to the mental industry, which makes me feel as though he does know but isn't prepared to accept it and that's a worry.

Does he have a friend he socialises with who can suggest for him to see his doctor, but what you need to do is contact your doctor, who may prescribe medication for you and suggest you see a psychologist, then your mind hopefully will become clearer. Geoff.

BuggyBoo · ‎18-01-2018

Thank you for replying to me Geoff. I will see my doctor soon and discuss things with them over the coming weeks. I’ve reached out to a few friends,but none seem to impact on him enough to take the step to see a specialist. It’s very frustrating as I feel like I’m on treading on eggshells, just waiting for the next depressive episode to happen.

BuggyBoo · ‎07-02-2018

The next depressive episode has hit - hard. He is pushing everyone away and breaking friendships over silly trivial things. We have many friends who are couples and I’m struggling to maintain friendships with the partners due to this. It’s bloody hard. 😢

I’ve repeatedly asked him to seek help and he’s still posting mental health posts on his page on Facebook and admitting he’s not ok. But adamant he won’t seek professional help. Please help a desperate wife out here..... what can I do to help him??? I’m at my wits end.

geoff · ‎07-02-2018

hi BuggyBoo, I'm really sorry that he is going through this, plus very sorry that he won't listen to what you are saying.

I wonder whether he's posting on Facebook to get a reaction and afraid of getting any professional help because it's going to open a deep hole into why he feels this way and create huge waves he'd rather not get into.

At the moment you are having a difficult time trying to keep all your friendships because he is pushing them all away, maybe being told face to face is what scares him so he'd rather post where no one can see him, less intrusive and that's what he maybe frightened of. Geoff.

White_Rose · ‎07-02-2018

Dear BuggyBoo

Hello. So pleased you found this forum and feel you can post here. Your story is not uncommon but that does not help you much other than the relief of knowing you are not the only one with this difficulty.

I see you have an appointment with your GP soon. Can you make that immediately because this is a serious situation. I wonder if your husband has bipolar disorder. I am not a doctor or anyone with medical qualifications. I am basing my guess, and it is a guess, on the behaviour of a staff member whose rehabilitation I managed through a similar situation.

Giving away large cash donations and falling out with friends over trivialities seems to indicate at the least a huge problem. If he does indeed have bipolar then this can be managed by medication but he will need to see a psychiatrist. Please write down all the incidents you can remember and include his mood swings. Get medical help for yourself because you cannot continue to manage on your own.

If you have some close friends please talk to them and confide what is happening. You need on-the-spot help and support. Your are right in saying your husband is in denial but he will not get well on his own. Writing on FB is giving him some relief because he feels anonymous but it is not a secure site and there are unscrupulous people who can take advantage of of your husband. He needs immediate help.

Sorry to sound all doom and gloom. I am concerned for both of you. I can only suggest what to do. Please keep in touch here if it helps.

Mary