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Boyfriend has severe depression & is pushing me away
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This hit me hard, especially considering it coming out of no where. So different than the outgoing, funny guy that I'm used to. The next day we had a long conversation & he decided having some time apart to work on himself is whats best, after that we can re-evaluate how he feels & if the future includes me. He let me in slightly on how he was feeling, showing me a journal entry of how he felt, saying things like how he felt like he was dying inside, how he felt pathetic, mediocre & alone. It absolutely tears me apart to think that he's feeling this way & I am potentially a cause to his pain, & how I could have done something to help before it got to this point.
Over the past few months I've noticed he has been taking "party drugs" much more frequently & heavily. It kills me that he's doing this to himself but he insists that it's the only way he's been getting any form of happiness recently. I suggested to him to stop with the drugs & see someone about his mental health (even simply calling a helpline) but he refused.
After a week (what he suggested) I contacted him to see how he was feeling asking if he wanted to catch up & he said no as he was working on things & wanted to get his head right before seeing me again. He told me he saw a doctor & was working on a mental health plan. A few days later I asked if he wanted to grab coffee & his reply was quite short saying how he "didn't want to complicate this", "not to push him" & how he was "doing this for me" & not to make him "stop all together". But it seems as if I was the only change within his life as he continues to go out, see friends, etc. While I'm left by myself struggling to comprehend this.
I guess I'm really struggling with 1. dealing with this myself & 2. wondering what I can do to help him. Any advice or hearing anyone in similar situations would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
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Dear RubyRed23~
You sound as if you are having a very tough time trying to cope with all this, and sadly I'm not sure there is a great deal you can do at the moment.
As someone who has had bouts of depression I can say that your boyfriend may well be in a place where relationships, love and all seem remote, perhaps even too hard to deal with. If he is, as he says, seeing a doctor and starting on a health plan that is encouraging news. So too is his keeping a journal. I'm not sure how much you can read into his other activities, going out and seeing casual friends. Things are rarely straightforward.
I think you are right to have tried to stop him using 'party' drugs, apart from anything else their actions will not help proper medication to be effective.
There is a very strong temptation in your position to blame yourself, think you have done something wrong, or not done things that could have avoided this situation.
At present all I can suggest is to make sure your boyfriend knows you are there to support him and see what happens. I don't think, from my own experiences, you are in anyway a cause, and there is not much at all you could have done before to make things better.
Of course this means that after 4 years you are suddenly on your own. Do you have family or friends to help and support you? The last thing you need is to be in isolation. When I was very disassociated and distant my partner had her mum to help her.
Please feel you are welcome here and can talk things over whenever you like
Croix
