Contacting a family member or friend when you’re down

[Adylia]

Hello all,

I have been encouraged to talk to family and friends more whenever I feel down and depressed, however, I am noticing some trends. I invite you to add to this discussion about what you have experienced from those who know and do not know about mental health.

I find that some friends do the ‘me too’ idea a little too much. Eg. “yeah that’s like the time where this happened to me, that seems similar but actually isn’t and I just missed the point”. This leaves me feeling like I am over reacting and not managing my sadness ‘normally’. What’s worse is that after saying this, they often either avoid talking about the strategies they took to overcome it or just mention the whole ‘time heals’ thing. I think the biggest issue here is that yes they have had hard times, but they haven’t gone through depression/the feeling incredibly sad for no reason thing.

The next one is my parents. They are ‘fix it’ people. If I tell them I am feeling down, they jump to the ‘why’ and ‘here is the solution’. Having grown up with lots of neglect, all I am after is consolation and support, a hug, or just acceptance that crying is okay. When I was little, my parents always thought I was putting on the ‘water works’, as a result, a state of crying is always a T intersection of either ‘get over it’ or ‘solve it’.

Was the suggestion of contacting someone close to you not a good one? Has anyone tried this to find it worked?

[white knight]

Hi Adylia,

The fact is, it is extremely difficult for those without a mental illness to know what it is like. As we are people with extreme symptoms of what others feel is the same, they cant imagine those extremes we endure. But they try to relate to it. It's like feeling sad. We feel its the end of the world for days, they feel it for say an hour and recover. They can only imagine such an event as what you are feeling.

When we ask ourselves "ok, what do I really want from my family and friends". you say a hug. It isn't realistic in my view to expect your parents to give you a hug then keep quiet. A parents love involves much more than that. You cant expect they wont want to help further. Most parents aren't part time in their role. They will move the earth to fix it.

As a general approximate, this is how I see it. 95% of humans don't have a mental illness that is diagnosable. 80% cant relate to someone with a mental illness. Of those 90% wont "get it". 5% will try to get it and 5% will have the empathy level to understand you.

A similar situation would be if you didn't have a mental illness but you were nearly crippled with a back injury or you were bound to a wheelchair.

This is why this forum is so valuable. It connects people with the same restrictions.

So if you have the need to tell others of your struggles, make it brief, try not to expect any support and any support you do receive its a bonus. Also make sure you take an interest in their struggles with life. Other people have issues like financial, emotional, family problems etc that are to them, really hard to live with. We must be empathetic to them also or we risk losing their friendship.

Google

Topic: they just don't understand- why?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[Croix]

Dear Adylia~

I'd have to say that support and care from others is most important. I know what I've been really ill my partners have been a wonderful source of strength and comfort - at great cost to themselves at times. This despite the fact they have had no real understanding of what was in my head. That being said giving support is not something most people can do well straight away.

It is after all the start of a new relationship in some ways, and relationships take work and tolerance on both sides.

Support comes in different ways, not just sympathy but being an ear to vent into, making allowances, taking over tasks, and most importantly for me providing perspective. To have someone on your side is a great comfort, even if they cannot understand.

As you say a lot of people find having control of circumstances - the "Fix its" - is highly important and a way of life. To be presented with an alien situation where there is no quick fix will have them struggling and going off on tangents.

For many also trying to understand can lead to pitfalls. If one has no real persona experience of depression, anxiety or other mental illness then it might seem natural to ascribe the symptoms to a non-MH issue they have been though themselves. After all experience is something we draw on as we go though life.

Without guidance of some sort giving support is difficult, and without the reward of success or the comfort of being in familiar territory it takes someone special to keep going and not to avoid the issue.

I guess love and concern and empathy are the motivators. Having the patience to learn by trial and error is probably the best way forward, that plus of course listening. You can give guidance, saying what you need. Hard as you might not know it all yourself, however it does become clearer as time goes on.

One thing to say at the start is "I just want you to listen for now, not do anything".

The other obvious thing is you have to pick who you look to.

So yes the suggestion is a good one, and for me it has worked. It is however a two way thing

Croix