What do I do...

[Desperate_Husband]

Hi everyone... I come here out of desperation and don’t know what to do...

Long story short, my wife is denial of her regular mood swings and what happens when she gets angry...

i know it’s a mistake on my end to react but I do, which amplifies the situation even further... I try so hard to control myself but more often than not, I end up reacting... I am only human so not perfect either...

the doctor has diagnosed her with PCOS, so my understanding is that regular mood swings and irrational behaviour a result of this...

problem is she is denial of what she does and what happens...

she wont seek help...

its affecting me so much to the level I don’t want to go home anymore...

if I was to try tell her parents about this, I am sure she would say I am making stuff up to them and I can’t get anyone to genuinely help me to help her...

I guess the reason I am here is because I still do love her... and genuinely want to get her through this or some sort of help or manage it... I am accused of trying to attack her if I want to help...

i have tried so many times to try genuinely say we need a solution to fix this but it falls on deaf ears...

i think what amplifies the situation is when I react... I try so hard but can’t put up with the irrationality...

i explain things rationally and she will ignore it and harp on about something else, which makes me fume even more...

some examples of the behaviour:

1. Wants my attention all the time. If she doesn’t get it, mood swing...

2. If I am tired, doesn’t understand it all... gets moody. Slams doors or storms off. When asked about it, either denies it happend or justifies it that I should be more excited or energetic...

3. She will fight to death about stupid things like 1 plus 3 is 5 (metaphor for how something with a single rational answer can’t be anything else...).

4. Can have so many emotions or swings within a short time.

5. Just picks random fights, e.g had a doctors appointment set by the doctor then yells at me we have to go to the doctor on my timetable...

I have to go now but will provide some more details soon...

in the meantime... any suggestions for help...?

[Quercus]

Hi Desperate Husband and welcome to the forums.

Good for you for asking for support and help... You are most definately not alone. In fact if it wasn't for the PCOS you wrote about I would have been worried you were my husband pulling your hair out about me. Yeah mood swings here too. Big time.

Right anyway. The most beautiful thing about your post... How you love her. You're asking for help to try make her understand how badly this is affecting you because you want to stay.

But the reality is everyone has a breaking point and that in the long run if things continue like the thoughts will begin about whether you can remain in the relationship.

So what can you do? You can't make someone want help so if she doesn't want to help herself there is little you can do.

However... You can deal with her refusing to aknowledge something is wrong. How? By sitting her down and gently but firmly explaining your view. If she won't listen write it down in a few dot points. Keep it very simple and about you and how you feel.

What do you think about asking if she is willing to come to marriage counselling with you? Sometimes it is better to hear from a professional that something isn't right. Also to have the third party as a neutral guide to keep things polite.

Personally I would keep it just between you both and possibly a counsellor. If you involve the family it is possible she will feel humiliated and hurt and that won't help anybody.

Hope you can return and find more support here. There are lots of threads here you are most welcome to join in on that may help you.

I hope you can find a way to communicate with your wife so the problem improves for you both.

Nat

[Desperate_Husband]

Hi Nat,

Thanks for your prompt response, I do appreciate it... in fact whilst I haven’t found a solution yet, the mere fact of venting it out to someone provides a bit of relief...

Before I realised that there was an issue I have told it to her quite harshly several times... after realising there was an issue, I have explained it gently several times... I have tried this genuinely and calmly... all she remembers is the harsh times before... so explaining it gently is not working...

Whilst I agree it is a mistake on my part to react, I just wish I could be cut some slack, but not getting any of it... I mean if someone acts and does something irrationally to you, why can’t they expect an irrational response...? Instead she says I should have been calm and not said those things... when I ask why she does irrational things no response and I am expected to be a punching bag...

Therapy, I don’t think is possible at the moment given the denial stage... On my part I would love to go to it with her to fix this...

She is a wonderful woman, who is quite attractive, highly educated and has many other talents, such as being a good singer... I believe that this issue is preventing us both from having a life at the moment... I want to support her through this, but denial isn’t helping... all I want from her is to genuinely acknowledge the issue so that we both can then tackle it... I just don’t want to be the punching bag which then makes me angrier and in turn makes the situation bigger...

i know in a calm state I shouldn’t react, but in the heat of the moment it’s hard to control yourself to an irrational situation...

maybe first step I should start is find a way to be calm at all times then find a solution to get her to realise...?

[Quercus]

Hi DH,

It is a very curious feeling reading your posts. I get what you're saying (it's similar to my other half's arguments) but I also see the other point of view.

My husband argues logically. I argue emotionally. The key issue being we are just not on the same page and misunderstand eachother all the time. Most of the time I take what he says as him criticising me. He takes what I say as me criticising him. Our latest argument for example...

Hubby: I'm sick of everything being my fault. What more do you want from me? To be honest I think he feels exhausted like my punching bag too.

I spend most of the time feeling like he doesn't listen. But that's not it. He interprets what I say logically. But my argument is emotional so it doesn't translate and I feel like he hasn't listened. I don't want him to change or fix me. I want him to listen and care about me and encourage me to help myself.

I'm curious what does your wife's day look like? I'm a stay at home mum and often feel like I'm trapped at home. That hubby is my only chance for adult conversation. So if he comes home and is too tired and has no energy for me it is a massive rejection and I feel unwanted.

My point is not everything relates to a medical condition. Your wife has PCOS, I have autoimmune arthritis. But my conditon is only part of why I feel crap and part of the mood swings. Likewise I wonder are your wife's issues solely hormone related because of the PCOS or do you think there could be more to it?

Thanks for writing back.

[Desperate_Husband]

Hi Nat,

thanks for your reply... it is quite comforting just to bounce stuff off...

i think you have pointed something quite interesting out... i guess this is the reason why you talk to people about stuff to get a neutral or unbiased perspective on things...

she is arguing from emotion and I am arguing based off the facts...

this in turn of course means we are having two separate conversations and each of us really blurting our a monologue with the audience being the other... as such we aren’t communicating... just talking in two different channels and neither of us getting answers or feedback to what is being spoken...

i think the next thing you have hit on the head is how does her day look like... well that’s the thing, her day was always jam packed with extra activities etc which I have previously mentioned she has quite a few talents which she is somewhat good at... now it’s basically work, come back and watching tv... I have tried so hard to say can I help you do many of the activities you are passionate about but she says she doesn’t know what she is interested in anymore...

i also think your third point that the PCOS isn’t the sole issue, well i think it’s becoming more and more obvious that it might be apart of the mood swings or contributes to the irrational behaviour, but there’s something else more going on...

i geuss like you said understand and support her emotions... what methods do I have to get her to trust me and become a team on this... I want to support her on this but I can’t be her punching bag all the time... it’s too much too handle... whilst I do react, it’s cauing me so much pain that I haven’t gotten over yet...

[Quercus]

Hi DH,

Right well first off I'm just going to launch into the first thing that caught my eye and hope it doesn't offend.

You've used the word "quite" a bit when describing your wife. Quite attractive. Quite talented. To me it's a bit of an odd choice of word. My husband is attractive. Yeah ok both of us could be fitter but to me he is bloody gorgeous. If I started thinking of him as quiet attractive I kind of feel like that would be me saying yeah the spark isn't quite there anymore. Just an observation. To you think she feels wanted and appreciated and cared for or is that an area that needs work?

As to giving up on hobbies and passions... I know that feeling. Sometimes (like recently) I hit patches where I give up. I'm never good enough anyway so why bother? Kind of like I'm running on empty and have no energy left to keep up performances.

My husband in those times gets frustrated. And then it makes my moods worse because I feel judged and get defensive. I am tired and don't want to care. I don't want him to criticise me or suggest I need to change or tell me what to do. I just need him to love and accept me.

An easy example. I keep getting pins and needles in my hand. It hurts. I can't sleep. Day one he got quiet and angry. I was tired and had no time to appease him so I asked what have I done now? He snapped it is always something with you. There is always something falling apart. Triggered huge mood swings. First angry. Then upset and hurt. Then apathetic again. Who cares. What's the point sort of feelings. It was a crap day for everyone. Day two. He takes a different approach. Doesn't nag or pressure me to go to the physio. Just gives me my medications and then gets me to lie down and massages my neck and arm and back. I don't like massage so he keeps it brief but afterwards my arm and hand feels slightly better. I felt slightly better.

Two different approaches. What kind of approach do you take with your wife? Can you think of others that might work better?

Sorry of this upsets you.

Nat

[Desperate_Husband]

Hi Nat,

Yeah i guess the word ‘quite’ kind of means how she has let herself go from her former self...I do say nice things and gestures to show appreciation... it’s either she doesn’t notice or wants even more... what I feel though is she wants constant attention...

In regards to her passions and hobbies, we both know she was pretty good at them, I think it’s just lack of interest for her to do them... I just encourage her to do them because she used to enjoy them and think it might help her... I never force her...

in regards to the approach I take with her, if I am in a calm state, I will deal with it in a somewhat constructive manner... if she winds me up to a certain point I react which makes it even worse... I have tried so many times when I know it’s going to escalate, to walk away from the situation, but she won’t let me... if I try go for a walk, she won’t let me or follow me... it’s really clear she needs let all that anger out and that’s what it’s all about...

honestly a few days back, I said I need 20mins alone time after she got mad, and kept calling me on the phone to come back as I drove off instead of walking... I sincerely asked please give me 20 mins just to cool off... had three angry calls in that time...

as I have mentioned I do agree if it gets to a point and I react it does make things worse... but I’m only human... if someone just wants to use you as a punching bag for no reason there will be a point where they will get angry and retaliate...

The only thing I can think of at the moment is to find a way that I don’t react then think of what to do next, but it isn’t easy...