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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Insomniasaurus Carers who also have mental illness
  • replies: 6

Hi my husband has depression and I have schizo-affective disorder. We have primary school aged twins. I am finding it difficult supporting him without jeopardising my own mental health. I haven't been able to get to sleep tonight and I know my kids w... View more

Hi my husband has depression and I have schizo-affective disorder. We have primary school aged twins. I am finding it difficult supporting him without jeopardising my own mental health. I haven't been able to get to sleep tonight and I know my kids will be waking up in a few hours. I am working two jobs and he has been depressed due to not working at the moment. I am tired every day about 130-2pm but can only have a rest on the days I work casually and just have to battle on at work on the other days. One of my kids has been becoming disrespectful and defiant and my hubby is not coping with this. I rarely get any time to myself unless I am walking to and from work as hubby never has motivation to go anywhere. A lot of things in our lives are going well but at the same time I can't sleep as I overthink and analyse situations that have happened during the day and can't switch off. Hubby also has a brain injury so I have been trying to help him access the NDIS and have had to appeal the decision. how do people juggle motherhood, being a carer, working and having a mental illness themselves? I always feel like life is a neverending treadmill and that I am constantly preparing for what has to happen next rather than enjoying the moments in time as they happen

Kmonkey How do I get help for my husband?
  • replies: 3

I am feeling overwhelmed and lost. My husband is suffering from what I believe is anxiety or depression. It has gotten progressively worse over the past 3 years (we've been married 14). I have encouraged him to seek help but he always finds a reason ... View more

I am feeling overwhelmed and lost. My husband is suffering from what I believe is anxiety or depression. It has gotten progressively worse over the past 3 years (we've been married 14). I have encouraged him to seek help but he always finds a reason not to. I struggle with him not seeking the help he needs. We never used to argue..we have disagreed plenty, but lately even the smallest things are like an emotional explosion. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, trying not to upset him. Last week he told me that he wasn't sure if he loves me anymore. Even though I know it isn't true it hurt really bad. Tonight he had a some kind of panic attack after I got upset that he refused to kiss me goodnight. I've never seen him like that before. He was angry and crying and saying without me he has nothing but I just make it all worse. A couple of weeks ago he finally agreed to go see a GP, but I couldn't get him an appointment at the time. Now he doesn't want me to make an appointment at all. What can I do?

Chelle8 Please help! Friend with attention seeking behaviors.
  • replies: 3

Hi, I’m really struggling to manage a friend that has depression and has attention seeking tendencies. He seems to make up stories and illnesses to get sympathy and attention from myself, my husband and our other friends. I have been dealing with thi... View more

Hi, I’m really struggling to manage a friend that has depression and has attention seeking tendencies. He seems to make up stories and illnesses to get sympathy and attention from myself, my husband and our other friends. I have been dealing with this for 4 years now, and it’s getting worse. He is contacting me and more often saying things about wanting the pain to go away and how he feels so hopeless. But when I ask him if he is going to harm himself in any way he says no, so I don’t have no grounds to call the police or hospital. He says he sees a psychologist and has been to the hospital, but he discharged himself after 3 days. I can’t confirm if this true, all I have is his word. He says he has called helpline, once again not sure if he actually does this or is just humoring me. I need help! I’m not coping with his constant texts about being so depressed. I’m not a medical professional, I have told him to call helpline, check into the hospital and make urgent appointments with his psychologist. Im a new mum and going through my own struggles, and having him texting all the time is taking its toll. I don’t think he would do anything, but I’m not taking that risk and I don’t want to ignore it. He is coming over our place on Saturday to talk to myself and my husband and I want a plan rather than the typical pitty party we usually have. Please help! Thanks in advance.

Kia Depression in family and coping mechanisms
  • replies: 2

Hi, I am keen to hear from others who may be experiencing the same situation and can provide insight into some coping mechanisms. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and was diagnosed when I was 19. My father has also been experiencing the same sin... View more

Hi, I am keen to hear from others who may be experiencing the same situation and can provide insight into some coping mechanisms. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and was diagnosed when I was 19. My father has also been experiencing the same since he was in his 30s and as his condition was diagnosed much later in his life, he turned to alcohol and now struggles with alcoholism as well. My mum, partly due to genetics and due to what life threw her way, has her own battles with anxiety and now depression. My brother was also diagnosed for OCD and depression, after his episode was triggered due to being bullied at school. For many years, we hid what was happening to us and never talked about our issues. When dad would go through his mood swings and leave home, or when my parents would fight, we would think this is normal and how all families behave. As children, we didn't talk about our feelings or learn resilience. After meeting my husband, I realised how broken my growing up situation really was and how these issues needed to be addressed. Things aren't great now. My dad's depression is getting worse despite medication, he refuses help for his alcoholism, there is chaos at home, it impacts my mum and my brother, I hear about it, I get silent treatment from my dad and then it impacts me too. Whilst I have accepted that medication will be a part of my recovery, my question is (Especially for those who have a family history of depression) - how do you cope in these situations? In one way, I feel for my mum and dad, I want to be there for all three of them but when I get too close to the situation, I know I cannot cope mentally and emotionally. I lack resilience in that regard. I don't want to cut off relations with my father either, I see he is suffering but I do not know how to help him. At his worse, he threatens separation from my mother, but she is trying her hardest to hold things together. How do I help them without it impacting me but also maintaining a positive environment for my kids and spouse. How do you detach yourself emotionally and still be there? Keen to hear your experiences and thanking you in advance. Kia

Yana21 Crossroads. Advice from others
  • replies: 2

I wanted some advice on where to go from here. If anyone has read my post about my husband having depression and now paranoid thoughts etc. Been together for over 11 years and now we are 27(me) 33(hubby). Hes not set on meds. Hes gone through ups and... View more

I wanted some advice on where to go from here. If anyone has read my post about my husband having depression and now paranoid thoughts etc. Been together for over 11 years and now we are 27(me) 33(hubby). Hes not set on meds. Hes gone through ups and downs with meds etc since before our relationship started. Now last 2 years hes gone through psychosis. And we have baby number two due in 3 months. Im struggling. Its effecting my mental health and has since day one. We cant communicate like we once did as hes believing everything hes going through and never gives 100% to getting better. Now im feeling differently. I dont see myself being able to continueto do this. I feel selfish. Im just not happy anymore and have tried everything to move forward. My question is to other partners would you move on? I feel like i need to put my kids first. 4 yr old and bubs thats due soon. This isn't something I want them to contiune to go through with me and get effected by either. If you could go back would you leave? Does it ever get better? Is there any other advice? I dont have any other support from his side. I dont know how to treat him. Do i just throw him out? I tried talking and getting him to understand that i cant see a future anymore but hes not getting it. Is this decision putting my kids first? I feel horrible as i dont want to take their dad anyway but i dont feel hopeful . Hes in denial about how hes feeling and refusing help. Again. Been there done that. Advice?

Yana21 Unwell husband
  • replies: 8

So ive been with my husband for 11 years and we have a 4 year old daughter. My husband is 33 and im 27 so hes all I've know and my first. When we started dating I was 16 at the time and found out he'd gone through hard times with anxiety and depressi... View more

So ive been with my husband for 11 years and we have a 4 year old daughter. My husband is 33 and im 27 so hes all I've know and my first. When we started dating I was 16 at the time and found out he'd gone through hard times with anxiety and depression. He was out of work at the time but I helped him and he was working within 3 months. Fast forward we got married 5 years in and then pregnant. During and after we've been through lots of downs with his anxiety him being out of work, not seeing family and friends as he had social anxiety and sex life was a core. This is years. I dont think ive had one year without running back to his psychiatrists trying new meds. I've felt like a nurse for most part of my relationship but the love for him kept me here as well as not wanting to hurt him. Then 2 years ago he went through a worse episode than before, became paranoid about things. Around him about me and his family. We couldn't communicate and he accused me of lies and hiding truths. His paranoia went far with his thoughts. So arguing and not being to do it i decided i needed a break. I moved into my aunts and basically gave him a ultimatum of either going back to the GP and getting a mental health assessment without that he couldn't see his daughter. (He was off meds for over 2 years at this time) He did so and was put into a mental ward. I supported him and was back into my care. He started meds, and few weeks later went off due to still being paranoid. I stayed. But then 6 months in it got worse... he rufused meds, GP help everything became verbally abusive and i kicked him out. Yet again i trusted him to do right. Broken promises made he came back with telling me he made a mistake and started meds. Eventually went off and i turned a blind eye. Things were good. I think looking back now I see he was hiding it well. So we had about 9 months solid ground and we decided to move forward and have another baby. So im 23 weeks pregnant now. And hes gone back again. I feel so stupid. Thinking things would stay ok and it wouldnt go back to this. We can't communicate he doesnt trust me due to still being paranoid... laughs at me trying to talk about it. I just dont know what else to do. Im trying to be happy about giving my 4 year old daughter a sister but im hurt that i may not be able to do this anymore. Can anyone give me advice? I tried asking him to see another psychiatrist hes refusing too as well as meds again.

Bugleboy Trying to help my partner
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone Need some advise on how to help my partner with the black dog. Struggling with what to say,do and act finding it very hard

Hi everyone Need some advise on how to help my partner with the black dog. Struggling with what to say,do and act finding it very hard

bindi-QLD When is Caring or Rescuing crossing the line ?
  • replies: 13

I just wanted to start a discussion about this, if anyone would be interested in joining me? I feel that I have a `rescuer' personality, and I probably started as a child. There really are so many positives about helping, rescuing, and caring, but I ... View more

I just wanted to start a discussion about this, if anyone would be interested in joining me? I feel that I have a `rescuer' personality, and I probably started as a child. There really are so many positives about helping, rescuing, and caring, but I think there's a line, and I feel I want to talk about how how not to cross it. Caring or rescuing, in my experiences, are healthy, and very natural behaviors for anyone with a bucket load of empathy. We don't care about `winning' as much as other people do, because if something or someone we care about wins, that's our win too. But something I've come to notice after some major betrayals in my life by people I cared about, is that caring can turn into abuse of my resources and love. Or alternatively, it can result in me robbing others of the opportunity to learn something for themselves, and develop self confidence. So those are the two main situations I'm interested in discussing..enabling, and disabling. ENABLING: I was slow to come to an understanding what enabling meant exactly. If you looked it up on the internet `back in the day' it was described as buying alcohol or drugs for an addict, or ringing in sick for them when they couldn't work. I couldn't relate to that, but I was flaming enabler since I was a child. I think what finally clicked for me about enabling, is you are enabling if you are paying for someone else's mistakes or bad decisions. You are enabling if you are protecting their denial about what they are doing. Its not always voluntary, as in the case of kids. Disabling is when you do too much for someone. I'm only half guilty, I'm more of an enabler than disabler, but can be both. It might start because they aren't trying hard enough, and so you compensate. But as the pattern continues, one person feels increasingly helpless, and the other overly burdened. But the real significance of disabling, I feel, is if you invest too much into someone, and they don't invest, they don't tend to value you for it. You might be thinking you will be appreciated, but in my experiences what normally happens is the other person feels painful feelings like guilt & incompetence, and they eventually devalue what you do. They think of it as not important, or that they are entitled to it. I believe its because guilt and feeling incompetent are not very nice feelings to live with. Anyone else feel like talking about their experiences with this, and what they regard as crossing the line?

0603Help Out of control
  • replies: 3

My son is 21 and suffers from Bipolar and addiction issues. We don’t know what else to do. He won’t take his medication and spends all his money on drugs and alcohol. He steals from us then takes off and returns once the money runs out. We eventually... View more

My son is 21 and suffers from Bipolar and addiction issues. We don’t know what else to do. He won’t take his medication and spends all his money on drugs and alcohol. He steals from us then takes off and returns once the money runs out. We eventually take him back in and he continues this cycle. He has no where to go his friends have abandoned him and he doesn’t work. He was an intelligent young man but now just sits and watches TV drinks and takes drugs. He won’t help out. We have tried being hard being supportive being soft he won’t obey boundaries he walks out of rehab when the going gets tough as a family we need assistance as we feel like we are on a treadmill and can’t can’t see away out. All our lives are on hold.

Mel2018 BPD husband
  • replies: 4

Hi, Does anyone else have a BPD husband who’s caused lots of discord in their family life? Looking for tips and hearing other people’s experiences.

Hi, Does anyone else have a BPD husband who’s caused lots of discord in their family life? Looking for tips and hearing other people’s experiences.