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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Donut Understanding Aspergers
  • replies: 5

I have a 28 year old son that I believe has some kind of mental illness. As a child he was always difficult to deal with. Tantrums etc. He also had delayed speech, did not interact with others well (and still does not have a lot of friends)and slower... View more

I have a 28 year old son that I believe has some kind of mental illness. As a child he was always difficult to deal with. Tantrums etc. He also had delayed speech, did not interact with others well (and still does not have a lot of friends)and slower in development although quite bright with some things. At the time I took him to a some different specialists but never with any clear diagnosis. A family friend is a psychologist and thinks that he may be on the spectrum of aspergers. After I separated from his father about 15 years ago my ex-husband (who I left because of similar behavior traits) was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and has been having ongoing treatment. My son appears to show signs of similar characteristics to his dad. What I am needing support with is to understand the way his mind may work (if it is aspergers) as I never seem to say the right thing and he is always quick tempered and this is also observed by his work colleagues. I really want to help him but I don,t know when or how to say the right thing. I do note that when he is really down he tends to communicate and ask advise but then he changes and I become the worst person in the world. At times I wont tolerate his behavior and I set my boundaries but this then follows with me feeling remorseful and desperate to help him. Just wondering if anyone has had a situation similar to mine and whether I should just back out of his life for a while but then I fell like I,m abandoning him. So confused as he only seems to see things in black and white and no in between and I have to think about everything I say to him.

Summer Rose It's International Women's Day: Why are most carers women? What does this mean for us?
  • replies: 7

Today is International Women's Day and to all the other women out there caring for a loved one with a mental health condition, I salute you. It's not easy, it's often thankless and, yet, it's vital to our families. Make no mistake, our contribution i... View more

Today is International Women's Day and to all the other women out there caring for a loved one with a mental health condition, I salute you. It's not easy, it's often thankless and, yet, it's vital to our families. Make no mistake, our contribution is also vital to the economy. In 2015 there were 2.7 million unpaid carers in Australia. The replacement value of the unpaid care provided in 2015 was a whopping $60.3 billion--over $1 billion per week. More than two thirds of primary carers were women. In return, our economic security is compromised making us more vulnerable. We receive less super and fewer opportunities for promotion, if we are lucky enough to manage work and caring. Given the foundation if inequity is economics, I think this says a lot about gender equality in Australia. Why do you do it? Do you worry about your future? Are there more important "returns" that you receive? Should we be trying to bring about change? Have you tried and been successful? What do the men in your life have to say about this? Do we have a voice that reflects our contribution? And, if we don't, how do we get it?

Jo69 Bpd daughter 19. Mum had enough
  • replies: 9

My 19yo daughter has been arrested twice in 4 days. Just fin year 12. Disrespectful threatening hides wifi. I want to get off the roller coaster I can’t cope anymore. Told her she needs to move out and get a job. Feel I am enabling her. She needs to ... View more

My 19yo daughter has been arrested twice in 4 days. Just fin year 12. Disrespectful threatening hides wifi. I want to get off the roller coaster I can’t cope anymore. Told her she needs to move out and get a job. Feel I am enabling her. She needs to grow up get a job and take some responsibility for herself and her actions. She refuses help medication it’s all my fault argh who else lives with this horrible life

Sad__disheartend_and_conf My boyfriend is autistic and suffers from depression, feeling vulnerable as he needs time alone, need some advise
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a year. To give a little background. He was a backpacker and currently is living back in his home country and we have manage to survive 8 months apart and remain close talking everyday. When we starte... View more

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a year. To give a little background. He was a backpacker and currently is living back in his home country and we have manage to survive 8 months apart and remain close talking everyday. When we started dating, I found he couldn't do certain normal things ,simple debates got very heated once he emotionally lost it and said some provoking things to me and slept in another room.He also suffers from anxiety so job hunting and meeting my friends was difficult. Eating out was a chore and with his autism, we can not go to busy noisy places.I had been a carer to my sister with mental illness so I am able to handle it but I am also aware of the long road down ahead. The last two days however has been the hardest when he announces he is depress and needs time alone. He has done this before but never a total shut down.He had come back from a boy's nights out drinking the night before and we had a political debate, one that I fear triggered something in him.The next morning as I said my usual good morning, his responses was short and emotionless. I knew something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok and if he was upset from our debate. His response was that he was depress. I asked again if he was sure that I didn't upset him. He responded want to go again then? So I gave his space but I find the silence so hard to handle. I have read up notes on depression and how to deal with it and as much as I am trying to be patient and remain calm. My mind jumps to the worst conclusion, is he cheating , has he grown to hate me,and the worst thought is I want to break up. It becomes so choking and makes me depress and full of anxiety and I question myself why am I like this? and I think it's because it feels so familiar when I was my sister's carer.I don't think I have it in me to be patient, I feel I am entitled to feel selfish to not want him to be depress and think about how this effects me too.He has no plans, no support network, no safe place for the both of us. He doesn't want to seek help, he just wants to be in isolation till he is ready and for some reason I feel so selfish.I am scared that his depression will kill us and I must do what is right for me.It's only been 2 days but it's been hard as I have noone to have a honest conversation with. My friends and family has never understood when my sister was diagnosed even causing fights with me and I am too tired to do this again.Most of all I feel scared.

kleighs partner has really bad anxiety and I don't know how to help
  • replies: 2

My partner has really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to travelling and planes. I love travelling and really want to do it with him, he wants to as well because he knows it makes me happy but he is so anxious that deep down he knows he wont. He... View more

My partner has really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to travelling and planes. I love travelling and really want to do it with him, he wants to as well because he knows it makes me happy but he is so anxious that deep down he knows he wont. He feels like I need to just leave him because he is pulling me down and not letting me do the travelling I want. I don't know how to help him feel less anxious. When he has gone on a trip with me and he sad and sick the whole time. What are somethings I can do to help him or what are some things he can do to help himself? Even if its not to help him want to travel but just to feel less anxious about everything. I dont have anxiety so I don't know what it feels like to help him Thank you

Wiggy76 Partner with anxiety
  • replies: 17

Hi. first time poster. My partner and I have been together for 4 years now. We are engaged and have a geougous 20 month old son. I am really starting to struggle with her emotion and moods. She suffers from anxiety and doesn't take her medication. Wh... View more

Hi. first time poster. My partner and I have been together for 4 years now. We are engaged and have a geougous 20 month old son. I am really starting to struggle with her emotion and moods. She suffers from anxiety and doesn't take her medication. When she does take them and has been on them for a while she is amazing. But she will feel better than completely stop taking them. It's at the point now where I can't even ask a question without it becoming a huge fight. And the fighting always comes down to me not doing enough (which is where I start to feel helpless and i shut down) She is always telling me I don't do enough. Whatever she tells me I need to do more of i do it but than she finds something else that I don't do. Each day I get up make lunches. Pack school bag. Get our son up and ready for daycare. We drop him off together and pick him up together. If we eat at home she cooks most of the times than after dinner ill bath our son and get him ready for bed. Than ill do dishes clean the kitchen and tidy the house. On my day off (while she is at work) I mow the lawn clean the bathroom. Tidy the house, vacuum and do at least 2 loads of washing. Get dinner ready. All while looking after my son. And most of the time it's still not enough. We eat out alot because she feels like something for dinner and if I suggest just eating at home it starts another fight so I just agree now. So we probably spend $200 a week eating out or takeaway. And she complains we have no money or savings. We also have our neice every 2nd sunday so that makes it hard to do family things. Which is another issue because she is always asking me to plan little adventures but when I do she doesn't want to do it or makes different plans. If i ever do something for myself it ends up in a fight because we could be doing family stuff and it doeset benefit the family at all. I dedicate my whole life trying to make her happy and to be the best i can for her and I feel it's still not enough. Do you think I should do more or is there something I'm doing wrong? I have told her I am really struggling with her emotions and moods and it came back on me being the problem. I don't know what to do. Any help is very much appreciated

AmyJacko Mother thinks she is god
  • replies: 8

So I’m 38 and my mum is 64. For as long as I can remember my Mum has thought of herself as god. I have started tracking conversations and keeping text message screen shots as proof. Has anyone ever experienced this? She apparently manifested over 30 ... View more

So I’m 38 and my mum is 64. For as long as I can remember my Mum has thought of herself as god. I have started tracking conversations and keeping text message screen shots as proof. Has anyone ever experienced this? She apparently manifested over 30 years ago and considers the Queen of England to be invalid and ‘tributes and tithes’ should be paid to her. Mother has pushed all her family away. In the opposite of that she is manipulating, controlling and obsessive with my sister and I. We have in turn pushed her out of our lives. It makes me sad though. I really need to attend counseling. I resent her for what she behaves like and the difficult life I’ve had in dealing with her. Now she is getting old and the behaviour is escalating. Any advice on where I should start on a journey to heal from her crazy?

Leigh1 Partner support for ptsd sufferers
  • replies: 1

Hi , reaching out to partners of ptsd sufferers of ex vic pol with knowledge of what support programs are available

Hi , reaching out to partners of ptsd sufferers of ex vic pol with knowledge of what support programs are available

Charlee123 Too much
  • replies: 3

My husband has bipolar amd depression and diabetes.He has no medication. We were looking to move to get away and start again (i guess). We are having so many problems. He calls me bone idol lazy, dirty, and many other horrible names. I work full time... View more

My husband has bipolar amd depression and diabetes.He has no medication. We were looking to move to get away and start again (i guess). We are having so many problems. He calls me bone idol lazy, dirty, and many other horrible names. I work full time, have 2 young children and a husband who doesnt help around the house. He got into an arguement wanting me to say something meaningful to save our marriage. I couldnt. Dont because i dont want to end it but what else can i say and do. I have no energy, he is so angry, up and down , manic, depreased. He's just so withdrawn and after now will be so depressed. I dont know if i should let him go. I dont want to let him go and all he wants from me is for me to care. And i do, i do a lot for him which he doesnt appreciate or even acknowledge. Hes lost and maybe being with me makes everything worse. Weve been together 20 years. Weve been throguh so much. Sometimes i think is it me, why cant i answer him, why do i struggle with low energy, any advice woyld4be great. I dont even know if this makes any sense im just feeling lost myself and needed to let it out.