My boyfriend is autistic and suffers from depression, feeling vulnerable as he needs time alone, need some advise

[Sad__disheartend_and_conf]

My boyfriend and I have been dating a little over a year. To give a little background. He was a backpacker and currently is living back in his home country and we have manage to survive 8 months apart and remain close talking everyday. When we started dating, I found he couldn't do certain normal things ,simple debates got very heated once he emotionally lost it and said some provoking things to me and slept in another room.He also suffers from anxiety so job hunting and meeting my friends was difficult. Eating out was a chore and with his autism, we can not go to busy noisy places.I had been a carer to my sister with mental illness so I am able to handle it but I am also aware of the long road down ahead.

The last two days however has been the hardest when he announces he is depress and needs time alone. He has done this before but never a total shut down.He had come back from a boy's nights out drinking the night before and we had a political debate, one that I fear triggered something in him.The next morning as I said my usual good morning, his responses was short and emotionless. I knew something was wrong. I asked him if he was ok and if he was upset from our debate. His response was that he was depress. I asked again if he was sure that I didn't upset him. He responded want to go again then?

So I gave his space but I find the silence so hard to handle. I have read up notes on depression and how to deal with it and as much as I am trying to be patient and remain calm. My mind jumps to the worst conclusion, is he cheating , has he grown to hate me,and the worst thought is I want to break up. It becomes so choking and makes me depress and full of anxiety and I question myself why am I like this? and I think it's because it feels so familiar when I was my sister's carer.I don't think I have it in me to be patient, I feel I am entitled to feel selfish to not want him to be depress and think about how this effects me too.He has no plans, no support network, no safe place for the both of us. He doesn't want to seek help, he just wants to be in isolation till he is ready and for some reason I feel so selfish.I am scared that his depression will kill us and I must do what is right for me.It's only been 2 days but it's been hard as I have noone to have a honest conversation with. My friends and family has never understood when my sister was diagnosed even causing fights with me and I am too tired to do this again.Most of all I feel scared.

[Croix]

Dear SDAC (hope you don't mind abbreviation)~

Sorry for the delay answering you , unfortunately in this place it does happen from time ot time, you can be sure it is no reflection on you or what you have posted.

It looks to me like you have an unequal relationship and it is getting to you. By that I mean in any relationship one expects to both give love and support and to receive it too. Care for the other person means one does one's best to see them secure and happy.

If I understand you have been living apart - him in another country, for around 8 months, and have to simply talk to each other which you do each day. You post sets out a pretty clear picture of the limitations brought on by your partner's autism and depression in the past, and how you currently feel. They do not say much about the steps he takes to make you feel secure and loved.

Any long distance relationship is a difficult thing to live with. Opportunities for misunderstands and feelings of insecurity will be very much present. It takes sensitivity and concern for the other for such an arrangement to work. A demanding conversion after a night out drinking is probably not the best, with frustration coming to the fore. Actually I'd expect his going out socializing would make you feel more vulnerably in any case.

While it is true depression can make one want to step back and be alone and for interaction with loved ones to be too hard (I have experienced this) it should not remain that way. Obviously your boyfriend should have treatment, dealing with things alone - at least in my case - simply made things worse. Unfortunately if he does not want it then you are stuck.

So I would suggest you have a talk with him, tell him the current setup is too hard for you to deal with and that he needs to support you more, and part of this would be to start treatment. Is there anyone else he listens to who could help persuade him?

You are going though a very stressful and lonely time and it is a great pity you have no one to talk to frankly about this. You are very welcome here

Croix