When is Caring or Rescuing crossing the line ?

[bindi-QLD]

I just wanted to start a discussion about this, if anyone would be interested in joining me?

I feel that I have a `rescuer' personality, and I probably started as a child. There really are so many positives about helping, rescuing, and caring, but I think there's a line, and I feel I want to talk about how how not to cross it.

Caring or rescuing, in my experiences, are healthy, and very natural behaviors for anyone with a bucket load of empathy. We don't care about `winning' as much as other people do, because if something or someone we care about wins, that's our win too.

But something I've come to notice after some major betrayals in my life by people I cared about, is that caring can turn into abuse of my resources and love. Or alternatively, it can result in me robbing others of the opportunity to learn something for themselves, and develop self confidence.

So those are the two main situations I'm interested in discussing..enabling, and disabling.

ENABLING: I was slow to come to an understanding what enabling meant exactly. If you looked it up on the internet `back in the day' it was described as buying alcohol or drugs for an addict, or ringing in sick for them when they couldn't work. I couldn't relate to that, but I was flaming enabler since I was a child. I think what finally clicked for me about enabling, is you are enabling if you are paying for someone else's mistakes or bad decisions. You are enabling if you are protecting their denial about what they are doing. Its not always voluntary, as in the case of kids.

Disabling is when you do too much for someone. I'm only half guilty, I'm more of an enabler than disabler, but can be both. It might start because they aren't trying hard enough, and so you compensate. But as the pattern continues, one person feels increasingly helpless, and the other overly burdened. But the real significance of disabling, I feel, is if you invest too much into someone, and they don't invest, they don't tend to value you for it. You might be thinking you will be appreciated, but in my experiences what normally happens is the other person feels painful feelings like guilt & incompetence, and they eventually devalue what you do. They think of it as not important, or that they are entitled to it. I believe its because guilt and feeling incompetent are not very nice feelings to live with.

Anyone else feel like talking about their experiences with this, and what they regard as crossing the line?

[Dniaiu]

Hmmm, very timely!

I'm currently in 2 situations where I've moved from feeling "useful", to wondering if I'm being used.

A 1 day per week job (at low pay agreed up front) for a struggling local business has now gone to zero pay, but an expectation of longer hours, and working from home if an 'urgent' email is sent.

An associate struggling with a TAFE course was very thankful for email support initially, but gradually moved to hours of visiting at a time. I thought we were becoming friends, but looking at just the facts, the only contact is if there's course support involved somehow.

I guess if I'm having these thoughts, then I *am* feeling unhappy about the balance of things, so I've started backing away from the amount of my contribution in both cases.

I haven't known about enabler/disabler, so I'm off to google ...

[Elizabeth CP]

Some situations are simple such as the example of buying drugs alcohol etc for someone. If you don't want to encourage someone to drink or take drugs etc don't buy them for the person. Unfortunately many situations are more difficult to avoid enabling without leaving the person struggling. I have a problem with my son & DIL. My DIL has little financial sense & is always getting into financial difficulties. My son has a history of severe depression & financial problems are one of the triggers. He doesn't stand up to her & take control of the money so they are constantly in trouble. I try to avoid lending them money because this just enables them to continue this lifestyle. Last weekend they rang saying they needed money for the car reg so they could drive. I lent the money but feel bad about enabling but at the same time felt I needed to help.

I care for my husband. I find it difficult at times working out how much I should be doing for him or whethere I'm doing too much & disabling him. He wants to cook more but it is so hard to supervise to ensure he is safe.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Dniaiu ,

Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear that you are starting to feel used, or worrying that might be the case. My warning bells would be going off too, if I was doing paid work for a Business, then they asked more of me, for no pay.

Do you like the work Dniaiu? And are there any other tangible positive benefits to you, such as gaining experience, contacts, social benefits etc?

And I'm sorry to hear about your associate, who asked for a lot of help with TAFE. I think that situation can be very painful if it turns out the friendship was a little fake. Is there anything you feel you could do to balance out the friendship a little, like doing something together not related to the TAFE course? Or would it be worth establishing it more as an arrangement where you give `X' help to him, and he gives `Y' help to you? So hard isn't it sometimes!

[bindi-QLD]

Dear Elizabeth,

I totally understand, those are exactly the kinds of struggles I have experienced as well. Its so hard when its family and loved ones, that you need as much as they need you. You don't want to risk alienating them from you, but you don't want to be used or be taken for granted. And you don't want to be unwittingly helping them create disasters in their lives by propping them up either. Its just such a balancing act when you are not a selfish person and you really do care so much aboutyour loved ones.

I can see why you gave your Son and DIL the loan for the Car registration, it would have been so painful to say no to an emergency like that. But its so hard for you, seeing their problems caused by your DIL's financial recklessness, and how that feeds your Son's depression. Thats a really tough situation.

Have you ever been able to talk to them about how it makes you feel, and that you worry that you are enabling them? Or do you feel it would alienate them from you?

Regarding `letting go' of doing too many things for someone as close as your spouse, I'm definitely not great at that, I struggle with that most. When I love someone I want give them my all, and I can do so much. But after some years, it can build resentment I think, especially if you feel taken for granted.

I think letting go works best for me when its done gradually, and in a way that well-intended, realistic, and communicated with a lot of love. That's how I got my partner to cook and do more housework, it took about a year for our new habits to `stick'. I used to do it all, and run our business and wildlife rescue operation pretty much alone too.

It really is such a relief to have help, and I like how it improved his confidence. He's got really good at it too.

[Elizabeth CP]

Thanks Bindi, I struggle to speak to my DIL re finances. She becomes very defensive. She will not listen to advice. She has low self esteem but masks it by insisting she is always right. She blames everyone else or circumstances outside her control. She thinks loan companies are really unfair expecting her to pay loans back when she is short of money!!! It is hard to speak to my son without her butting in. She listens to all his phone calls & interrupts.

I didn't make the situation clear re my husband. He used to do his fair share of the work around the house while he was working. Obviously he did more of the heavy gardening,mowing & maintenance rather than normal housework but that suited me. Unfortunately he became blind as well as having some other issues which are steadily progressing. I have given up work to be a full time carer after it became too difficult coping with frequent hospital admissions & illnesses. He wants to help but has ended up in hospital after falling trying to mow. For him to cook I need to show him where everything is & supervise to ensure he is safe. He can't read instructions. While he can manage simple things if I make sure he knows where everything is I don't have time to spend helping him do more complicated things. Ths also applies to the garden. He wants to help but it is more work supervising.

[bindi-QLD]

Dear Elizabeth,

I'm so sorry your Husband went blind, it must have changed so much about your lives together. And so now you care for him full time, and do all the chores he once could help you with? Are you managing ok with all that?

I can understand why you wouldn't want him around knives and hot things like ovens and stove tops. Frustrating with him wanting to cook, but it would be pretty much you doing most of the work and supervision, so it wouldn't really ease your burden much.

It sounds like you son has got himself into a relationship with a difficult woman. I come from a big family, and my closest sister is married to someone very controlling and not very nice. I don't know how to deal with being in their lives any more, and my parents have been `banned' from her life for being confrontational about him. I just keep a lot of distance, its hard, her spouse is the most important thing to her, but he's just so mean to her, and I can't watch.

[Elizabeth CP]

I'm sorry about your sister. It is really hard seeing someone you love being illtreated & losing the connection because of it. I find it hard because I like to be fair & treat my children equally but that is impossible with my son. My other married children have really good spouses & when we get together it is really obvious which one doesn't fit in.

Enabling can be positive done in the right way. For example when my husband became blind I left work & spent a lot of time trying to link him in with appropriate supports & was very involved in helping him practise nw techniques etc. In this case I enabled him to learn how to manage more effectively as a blind person so it was good enabling. I remember one of my DILs after getting engaged encouraged my son to change his life. She supported him & encouraged him as he left full time work & went back to study. She certainly enabled him to become the person he is today and I am grateful. Of course they are both reaping the benefits as he now has a good job which he loves & the potential to keep learning & improving. This form of enabling is vasly different to the enabling which allows people to continue in self destructive behaviours.

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Elizabeth,

I totally agree, helping people you love is normally a very positive and constructive behavior, and more than that I feel its an important part of social and family cohesion. And there are often mutual benefits. I thought those were great examples , like all the support you provide for your husband, and your DIL who supported your son through a career change and study.

I think this is why I find it hard to know when I've crossed the line when I'm helping people....one person you help may improve their life and thank you for it, another person you help may continue to wreck their life or just use you. The choice is their's.

So when do you draw a line? I think perhaps it really comes down to the situation. If you can see a direct link between your help, and someone else's destructive behaviour, its probably time to reconsider providing that help. But like you say, the consequence may be losing your connection with that person, and not everyone can afford to be isolated from loved ones.

I still prefer to put the responsibility in the hands of the person with the destructive behaviors though. At the end of the day, they are making the poor decisions, not the people who want to help them improve their lives.

[bindi-QLD]

The most agonizing relationship I've had myself, with regards to enabling, is the one with my Mother, who has a mental health issue. Some of my relatives think she's a psychopath, others a Narcissist.

Growing up with her was horrible. But what I struggled with most was my adult relationship with her..not wanting to support her behaviour, but needing family. She was unbelievably cruel, and her demands of all her children were to support and encourage her cruelty, to never criticise, or express feelings about her behavior. I failed at that, even moreso as I aged. And I was punished for this in many different ways.

Some of the behavours I refused to support in my 30's revolved around her treatment of my Dad. We were not allowed to talk to him unless she supervised, and phone contact was banned. She first abandoned him when he had a back injury and needed care. She left him and 6 young children to wreck someone else's family , and he became suicidal from grief. She lived with the guy just long enough to see his family ruined, then discarded him.

That became a life long pattern for her. Some of those families had new born babies. She was able to do it because My Dad is extremely wealthy, and the families she targeted were poor. She left my Dad many times & came back to keep control of his wealth.

By the end of my 30's, she had picked a man with mental health issues, and when she discarded him, the grief caused him to stop eating and he died. He had left lots of messages telling my sister and my mother he was in trouble, but they ignored him. She laughed when she told me about his death.

So back to my relationship with her. By my mid 30's, i had decided to reduce contact with her, because of the pressure to be part of her `support base'. And was also hurting from her punishing me. Because she was wealthy, she able to gift her `good enabler children' with things like houses, expensive cars, and huge cash endowments. I never received anything, because I was `bad' for not supporting her.

She killed her two poodles in the year when I decided to end contact with her, because I loved them. She then started a smear campaign telling distant relatives I am a prostitute & had male relatives stalk and harrass me.

I am happy with my decision to cut contact with her but I feel so isolated and alone now. The rest of my family are still being good enablers, they only contact me to `bring me back into the fold'. Putting an end to enabling can come at such a high price:(