Unwell husband

[Yana21]

So ive been with my husband for 11 years and we have a 4 year old daughter.
My husband is 33 and im 27 so hes all I've know and my first.

When we started dating I was 16 at the time and found out he'd gone through hard times with anxiety and depression. He was out of work at the time but I helped him and he was working within 3 months. Fast forward we got married 5 years in and then pregnant. During and after we've been through lots of downs with his anxiety him being out of work, not seeing family and friends as he had social anxiety and sex life was a core.

This is years. I dont think ive had one year without running back to his psychiatrists trying new meds.
I've felt like a nurse for most part of my relationship but the love for him kept me here as well as not wanting to hurt him.

Then 2 years ago he went through a worse episode than before, became paranoid about things. Around him about me and his family. We couldn't communicate and he accused me of lies and hiding truths. His paranoia went far with his thoughts. So arguing and not being to do it i decided i needed a break. I moved into my aunts and basically gave him a ultimatum of either going back to the GP and getting a mental health assessment without that he couldn't see his daughter. (He was off meds for over 2 years at this time)

He did so and was put into a mental ward. I supported him and was back into my care. He started meds, and few weeks later went off due to still being paranoid. I stayed. But then 6 months in it got worse... he rufused meds, GP help everything became verbally abusive and i kicked him out.

Yet again i trusted him to do right. Broken promises made he came back with telling me he made a mistake and started meds. Eventually went off and i turned a blind eye. Things were good. I think looking back now I see he was hiding it well. So we had about 9 months solid ground and we decided to move forward and have another baby.

So im 23 weeks pregnant now. And hes gone back again. I feel so stupid. Thinking things would stay ok and it wouldnt go back to this.

We can't communicate he doesnt trust me due to still being paranoid... laughs at me trying to talk about it.

I just dont know what else to do. Im trying to be happy about giving my 4 year old daughter a sister but im hurt that i may not be able to do this anymore.

Can anyone give me advice?

I tried asking him to see another psychiatrist hes refusing too as well as meds again.

[geoff]

hello Yana, and thank you for posting your first comment, and welcome to the site.

The help you have given your husband is outstanding but it's not going to be easy if he takes his medication and then stops because his condition will not improve if he makes broken promises to you and his doctor.

Any type of depression can come and go, when you're taking your medication and certainly when you stop, and it's possible to cover up your depression but only for a very short period because eventually it will show.

Having 9 months is great but over your lifespan it's a short time, but what he can't do is stop and start taking his medication this will not make him stable and that's what you want, so he has to be convinced that he needs to take them on a regular basis.

Talk with him and tell him that life is much better when he's on them and he can enjoy his daughter compared to the opposite.

If you have to give him another ultimatum then that maybe the answer he needs to realise that he has to take them fulltime.

What I am worried about is your own health as you haven't mentioned getting any help yourself, this is just as important to look after yourself, because when you feel stronger then you are able to cope much better, so please go and see your own doctor. Geoff.

[Yana21]

Thanks for your reply geoff.

unfortunately my husband is totally against meds. Hes said for years they dont help him that they make him worse. I tried to talk about this with him even last night but we just argue. Hes not on board to go gp or even get another opinion.

The problem is hes paranoid too which is all new. The last 9.5 years he wasn't so we could still communicate somewhat about trying meds again but now is another ball game.

I hate to threaten him with kicking him out if he doesn't do as hes told becauseit puts me into his mother figure shoes and i hate that.

Nothingis working. Hes just ignoring how its effecting me. Which he says is weird.

Hes said things like people are out to get him. That our 4 yr old should do a CT scan to confirm shes not being monitored, that im hiding truths. Its lots more and its frustrating. The positive is hes working and goes without hesitation. Hes intelligent and works high end. Which sometimes gets me thinking if hes just playing me.

what else can i do? We have a baby arriving soon and i said begged for him to go gp for the kids but its a no.

A while back it was the same and i called the ambulance they did the mental health assessment on him and he passed. Said unless he threaten anyone or himself they couldn't admit him into the ward.

Hes good at watching whohe tells his paranoid thoughts too. Which means im stuck.

As for me ive tried counselling and stuff in the past. Im trying to stay strong for my kids and keep this family together but hes not helping and I dont have so much strength to keep on puttinghim first above the kids when he does this.

I cant continue to ride this rollercoaster with no middle ground. Do you have any other advice as to what else I can do try?

Thanks again for your reply.

[geoff]

hi Yana, thanks for your reply and I know it's a difficult decision that has to be made, but please let me think about it as I start very early about 2 am every morning, I have written your avatar down, and hopefully there will be other people who can reply in the meantime, but please continue your comment at any stage. Geoff.

[geoff]

hi Yana21, I've read your post a few times and agree with your suggestion that he is playing with you, simply because he can go to work, which may need his full attention, but then comes home and everything changes.

I worry for you and your kids, but you have done about everything to get your husband to seek help and to take his medication, both which he has refused unless it was being in the hospital.

To sustain a relationship with someone who continually denies treatment over a long period can make you feel helpless and hopeless and it may become dysfunctional, so you have to look after yourself and the kids, they come first.

I'll leave it at this for the moment because I don't want my comment not to go through, but please get back to me. Geoff.

[Yana21]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks again for your reply.

Im really struggling at the moment. I dont think I can do this anymore.

Yesterday like everydayhe starts with his paranoid remarks. Said that he feels people at work are trying to get to him. Then notoiced a tiny tiny scratch on our newish car (4months old) and said someone must be going out of their way to do it , to annoy him.

I try and get him to see sense. He just contiunes to complain and be angry. At anything even people on the road if they pass him a glance. We got into it with another argument about his illness and how i want him to see his psychiatrists ge hasnt see in 4 years. He refuses and naturally im breaking because hes judging my character and how hard it must be to keep up this lie. That why cant I be honest and tell him what thisis all actually about. The psychosis continues.

So after months and overall 2 years of dealing with it on my own I break and call his mum I need support. This was last night about 10ish im broken crying. Plus im 6 months pregnant so its even more worse.

I try and explain and she wants no bar of it. She cant force a 33 year old man to do anything. Why did I get pregnant with him again for. Blaming me for him being this way. Instead of a conversation shes yelling at me raising her voice because I woke her up by this call. Only to call if someone died!

Im crying saying I needed her to come over tomorrow so we could chat about getting him into see a GP or his doc again.

Because of our history shes not a huge fan of me. He came to me 11 years ago with anxiety and depression. He wasnt working and I supported him emotionally to get him up again. Shes witness yearsof his downs during this time and has stepped into come GP and even told me to let her know if he was unwell so she could step in.

Nope this was a shock. It was an attack on me. How i need to calm down. I explain how hes paranoid again. She saw him go get admitted into hospital 2 years ago and even pushed for it. Once he was out they were no where to be seen. I was on my own with my 2 year old working while dealing with it.

I said how he didnt go to work last Sat and her response was why should he work 6 days!

Well i give up. I cant do anything right. All of a sudden hes saying he'll take the meds then is smart and says even if they hurt me.

Im losing it. I cant i just cant do this anymore the depression is getting to me.

[Doolhof]

Hi Yana,

I too welcome you to the community here. I see that Geoff has been in contact with you already. (Hi Geoff!)

Yana, I think it would be beneficial for you to receive more counselling for yourself, especially so with baby on the way and a child already to care for.

It may help you to call the phone help number here at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636. The support people may be able to offer advice we have not thought of.

It certainly sounds as though you have been very supportive and have tried to help your husband all you can. Until he can see how much of an issue he has in relation to what you have written, I don't know how you can make a person do something they don't want to do!

[Doolhof]

Hi Yana,

I was writing a reply to you when up popped another message from you.

You sound understandably distressed. I'd like to suggest you phone for an emergency appointment at your Drs to discuss this, use a phone help line either here at Beyondblue or Lifeline. That you talk to someone about what is happening.

Or even present yourself at the hospital for care for yourself and your baby.

If any of that seems to extreme, just getting out of the house, going somewhere familiar like the shops or a park might help you to calm down and be able to think things through.

I'm really sorry the mother in law was unable to help you. Maybe she is beyond knowing what to do as well, not that she had to treat you the way she did.

Yana, I hope you can find support for yourself . I now realise it is actually Sunday so there may not be a Dr you can see unless you present at a hospital. The phone help lines are available 24 hours a day.

Depression is a horrible illness. I know myself that I can be at my worst when I am at home with my husband. I don't know why I feel so dreadful in our home, but some days I do. I go out and I am okay! It is the nature of the illness at times.

Right now it sounds like it is time to look after yourself and your child/baby.

It can feel a little daunting using the phone help lines, but the people answering are supportive and caring.

Hope you find some help Yana!

Cheers to you from Dools

[Yana21]

Hi Dools & Geoff,

So wanted to update my situation.

Hubby wentto see the GP. Only wanted Relaxers. No other antidepressants says its sleep thats the only real problem.

We spoke to a pharmacist whos big on "metholation". And we did this blood test and urine test aboit 4 years ago. Or more. Apparently it came back with him being "overmetholated" which means antidepressants make him worse.

What it is ,is a vitamin and mineral made up for the individual for what they lack. Last time we spent about $800 with the appointment and then these tabs made up for hubby. It didn't bother me as long as he'd take it and it work. I remember going there to do it and once the blood work came back and the specialist said that this was causing his problem and to start these vitamins I cried. Like a relief of finally some hope. Remember that was even before the paranoia.

Long story short he took it for 3 weeks. Was meant to stay and flush it out for 6months to a year. Nope. He found a problem with that too. I literally tried everything even natural just to get him better. Now we might do this metholation again as hes not wanting meds. I dont know..

On Saturday night my parent's took our 4 year old daughter for the night so we could go out relax talk and try resolve things.. this doesn't happen often.

So we went out with our couple friends who have been there for both of us. We had dinner and went to see a movie all together. Everything was great. For those few hours i felt so colse to him. Was nice. Then as soon as they left and we jumped into our car to go home he started again. With the negative comments and paranoia thoughts comments. Argg. I just didn't understand the switch? We were out amongst people.. and it was fine. So of course i get upset. Why cant we just have a normal night. Just one

We get home and im so bitter.. hes asking why i dont sit next to him. I mean what cant he understand? Is he playing with my head?

Now ive had a few days to asses what to do.. and i dont want to act now as if i leave now (being 6 months pregnant) they will say im hormonal. So im waiting till my baby is born and after my c section to leave. Or actually kick him out.

It's really affecting my mental health. Im strugglingDo any of you have advice? How do I handle this situation? I dont want added drama.. and do you have any opinions on this?

Im desperate to get me back to feel happy and just move on. As sad as it sounds i feel excited for this to happen i just cant do it anymore. 😞