Immediate support
Immediate support

Supporting family and friends

Share tips on supporting a partner, family member or friend with a mental health condition, and seeking support for your own wellbeing.

Start a discussion

FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

View the FAQ

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

View the guidelines
Jump to
Start a discussion

Pinned discussions

Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

All discussions

Start a discussion

ForeignWife Managing Finances with Bipolar Partner
  • replies: 2

My partner is bipolar and has some level of high functioning Aspergers. They are also the main breadwinner. However despite having a reasonable income every month we struggle. His focus is more on incomings and outgoings and no matter how many times ... View more

My partner is bipolar and has some level of high functioning Aspergers. They are also the main breadwinner. However despite having a reasonable income every month we struggle. His focus is more on incomings and outgoings and no matter how many times I try and discuss finances we hit a wall. He has an idea that he is the man and the breadwinner so he should do it. So completely shuts down about it. I try and map out our outgoings and he is unresponsive, rude and irritable. Each month it feels like he sets himself up for failure by being too ambitious about his budget expectations and expenses. Then punished himself for not doing what is wanted to do. Has anyone got any advice or tips from experience as to how to deal with this? I’m really at my wits end.

HelpForMum Helping my son in the next stage of his life
  • replies: 2

Hi all, My son was diagnosed with Selective Mutism in primary school and has struggled immensely ever since. He has just completed Year 12 which I am so proud of. He is however isolated as his severe anxiety and social phobia prevents him from decidi... View more

Hi all, My son was diagnosed with Selective Mutism in primary school and has struggled immensely ever since. He has just completed Year 12 which I am so proud of. He is however isolated as his severe anxiety and social phobia prevents him from deciding what he wants to do next. He has applied for part-time work with no luck as yet. He also has expressed an interest in completing some type of course but is unsure what he wants to do. He lacks confidence and is very awkward in social settings. Is there anyone who can assist with strategies or anyone who is also experiencing the same thing with a family member. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

Tih Partner with Anxiety?
  • replies: 11

Hi, like many others on these forums I am also new. I have been with my partner for 12 years and looking back on everything I believe he has had issues for the whole time. There has always been at least one person who was out to get him. He used to c... View more

Hi, like many others on these forums I am also new. I have been with my partner for 12 years and looking back on everything I believe he has had issues for the whole time. There has always been at least one person who was out to get him. He used to covertly tape record conversations. About 2 years when visiting his family overseas, he booked himself into ER as he believed his drink had been spiked and wanted some tests down - this was about the third time he believed this has happened. Results were negative. His sister – a psychiatric nurse said that he had anxiety. His niece has anxiety and they believe his father did too. He saw a psychologist and then a hypnotist for about 6 months. Since seeing the hypnotist people have been telling him stories that are fabricated and then a trigger goes off in his head. We have lived in a city - population 150,000 for the last 4 years and he does not trust anyone who lives here. I went with him to see the psychologist about 2 months ago and he has seen him twice more. Things are getting worse but he says things are getting better. He continues to meditate and tells me this will fix him as he no longer has anxiety. He wants to sue the hypnotist. We no longer sleep in the same room as he needs to meditate when he wakes at night. He has started locking the bedroom door when he sleeps. We have no friend anymore and I am very cautious about what I say to him and what others might say to him. Can anyone tell me how I can help him? Do I need to give him space and stay out of his road? How can I encourage him to seek help? I have tried to contact his sister – but no response.

Mia-rose Living with a Depressed Husband
  • replies: 10

My husband has depression, anxiety and PTSD, resulting from a work injury in March 2016. As a carer, I'm now at the point where walking away and kicking him to the curb sounds like a great solution. If I could find someone who'd want him, I'd pay the... View more

My husband has depression, anxiety and PTSD, resulting from a work injury in March 2016. As a carer, I'm now at the point where walking away and kicking him to the curb sounds like a great solution. If I could find someone who'd want him, I'd pay them to take him. I am a person who at time cannot function how much he's worn me down. I'm starting to think he's a jeckyl and hyde. He's abusive with money and has basically made my daughters and I prisoners in our own home, fearing that spending money on going out is going to cause an outburst. Everytime I park, drive talk or the girls do something he's not happy with, it's my fault. As much as I hate to say it, I think we'd be better off if he had died on that day. My life would've been more simpler. I cannot have compassion for a man who constantly nitpicks at my girls, who are virtually prisoners in their bedrooms. One of my girls, can't stand him! If I could just walk away, I would. Being on workers comp. hasn't been easy and we virtually have more debts than before. As much as I hate to say this, at times I totally despise him and think the accident was to teach him a lesson. He's become a selfish human who deserves to be left on his own. At times, I wish I could have him institutionalised.

Jillaroogirl Urgent Need for Advice - Sis Just Admitted to Alcohol and Drug Abuse (Sexual Abuse Trigger Warning)
  • replies: 1

Hi all. I'm new and don't know where to go for help in dealing with my sis. I need to give you background which will explain why she took this path and I didn't. I was sexually abused (2 to 14) and at the age of 8 ? she saw me in the Uncle's bed; I d... View more

Hi all. I'm new and don't know where to go for help in dealing with my sis. I need to give you background which will explain why she took this path and I didn't. I was sexually abused (2 to 14) and at the age of 8 ? she saw me in the Uncle's bed; I didn't know until years later. He targeted me, not her, because I was quiet. he lived on a farm and he'd ask us over. Our parents had no clue. when she came out with me, id still go to him as 'trained'. She'd cry and beg me not to leave and I'd cry too. For yrs I carried guilt that I'd left her alone and she carried her guilt 'that she didn't stop it'. she kept the secret, but she was tough and she told him she was going to tell. When 11, he tried to drown her. This was witnessed by his brother, who rescued her. At 14, she spoke up, police called, he went to gaol, all focus on me. I got counselling, she got nothing. Her statement was not used. unfortunately we never talked, because I was dealing with my stuff and she put walls up. She started drinking and smoking pot at 15. started speed in her 20s. our mother died unexpectly last year and our father soon after. more secrets were revealed. Now in our 40s. my sis wanted answers/revenge. She feels guilty to this day for not stopping it. I've tried to tell her she was only a kid. she doesn't work, I do. she has kids, I don't. i was doing weekly counselling, the past got mixed in. It was hard work. This Christmas she begged me to join her. It was horrible. She used deflection, avoidance and told me BS. She was drunk every night, slept until 2pm. She had friends over - strangers. I was still grieving. She never talked to me, about anything. 1 night she said she was avoiding me. she told my husband she still uses, inc coke, this has now been 29 yrs. I never have or will as I need to be in control. 2 nights ago she confessed (via text) to drinking too much and taking drugs. She does it to numb the pain. I had already figured it was a coping strategy. She tries to invoke me, I don't bite. I've figured out all her tactics. i have told her, I won't judge, will support her and that I'm sorry she's going through this. i have asked for facts, via email; will see if I get lies. my husband is worried this will affect me. Of course it does! I'm devastated! It's taken many yrs of hard work for me to get to where I am. he doesn't understand, I can't turn my back. id like help on what to do, say, don't say. I've given her a link to online counselling for A&D addiction.

isthisit Husband is abusing medication
  • replies: 7

I have been with my husband for many years. We have a child and another one on the way - due to arrive in 10 weeks. Before I go into details about my husband I should say that when we had our first, I suffered from perinatal anxiety/depression and th... View more

I have been with my husband for many years. We have a child and another one on the way - due to arrive in 10 weeks. Before I go into details about my husband I should say that when we had our first, I suffered from perinatal anxiety/depression and then PTSD due to a traumatic birth process. I know this also had an impact on my husband too. I kept my PTSD to myself for the first 6 months of my child's life, but finally told my husband and got successful help for it when I couldn't hold it in any longer. My husband reacted badly to this and decided that it was all his fault and that I was blaming him. Definitely not the case and I repeatedly assured him of this. And this is where I *think* the problem started. I believe this is around the time that my husband began abusing medication (purchased illegally from someone he worked with - based on text messages I saw). Before I saw any physical evidence I knew something was up, knew when he was 'off his face'. I'm a health care professional and administer a variety of medications on a daily basis at work. I know the signs and symptoms. That and I'm not an idiot. This was then confirmed by finding blister packs of the pills. He would be gloriously happy when high, and a moody shit when hanging out for a fix. There have been times when he has been very unwell and claimed he's had a virus - again I'm not dumb and know that it's withdrawal. The last time that happened I thought that was it, he'd finally woken up to himself and everything was fine for quite a while. Fast forward to a few months ago and I have a feeling it's happening again. Then he spends $700 in 5 weeks out of our bills account. So I check his bag. And there they are. On occasion he must take too much and he'll go to bed at night of a weekend and not wake until after 2pm. I find myself going in to check on his to make sure he's still breathing. And yet somehow, he manages to stay functional - never missing a day of work etc. Last week I had a bad feeling and checked his bag again. HUNDREDS of pills. I have no idea what this would've cost or what he plans to do with them. Creating a stash? Suicide? I've avoided saying anything because I don't know how to approach it without him getting angry or going into denial despite evidence. But I now feel like if I don't say something and he accidentally overdoses it's my fault and my children will grow up asking why I didn't try to help daddy. That and I am become depressed myself. Help?

Mothers_tongue Supporting a mum with depression without sacrificing my own mental health
  • replies: 2

I have struggled for years to figure out my relationship with my mum, who suffers from clinical depression. In my 20s and 30s I sought counselling to help me cope with my life. I didn't realise at the time that many of my issues stemmed from feeling ... View more

I have struggled for years to figure out my relationship with my mum, who suffers from clinical depression. In my 20s and 30s I sought counselling to help me cope with my life. I didn't realise at the time that many of my issues stemmed from feeling unsupported, sad from being around someone who felt like a human black hole and why I was making some fairly bad life decisions. As a family we have coped I think reasonably well with caring for my Dad who died 2 years ago from cancer. However mum has really struggled to figure out how to live her life as a newly single person living 2 States away from her family. She has spent long stretches staying with myself and my brother and has relied heavily on both of us for her happiness and to help her get through an incredibly black time. I feel as though I'm at the end of my ability to have her stay with me. I've had enough. I feel tired and find myself sliding back into the stressed, sad and anxious person that I've worked so hard to heal. I know I'm not responsible for her happiness and I want her to take charge of her life now that we have helped her through this 2 years of pain, breakdown and medication. I can't help but feel that she should get some counselling to help her process everything that has transpired over the last 5 years and make a plan for her new life. Even if it is a day by day thing. She doesn't think she needs this and that family should help her through it. How can I convince her otherwise? Also, how do I ask her to only stay with me a week at a time? She is so emotionally fragile and takes my requests for space so personally.

BigPoh Partner with Anxiety
  • replies: 6

Hi all, I'm new here, and seeking advice or strategies. My partner of nearly a year, a single mum with 2 young kids. Recently separated she was made to feel anxious from her ex's controlling/narcissistic behaviour. She goes through stages of anxiety,... View more

Hi all, I'm new here, and seeking advice or strategies. My partner of nearly a year, a single mum with 2 young kids. Recently separated she was made to feel anxious from her ex's controlling/narcissistic behaviour. She goes through stages of anxiety, so I've just found out. Until now I thought she was just moody or very distracted but I've just learnt more about anxiety symptoms, and it all makes more sense now! plus she has started with professional help so hopefully will start to manage ok soon. my issue, is from a relationship point of view: she is the love of my life, but we rarely get to see each other. She is always tired, and of course kids do prevent us from being together too, which is ok coz kids are important too! we get to see each other maybe 1-2 per times per week which I feel is not enough, she agrees but between work, family, fatigue and having her time it's difficult. She has OCD tendencies too, for instance we recently had days off work but couldn't be together coz her OCD made her stay home and clean/do housework all the time!! It seems her anxiety gets worse when I do manage to drag her away for fun time together coz she needs to get home to do all her jobs! She is such a fun person when she's happy. how do I encourage her to have our together time and remove her from "all of her jobs" that she needs to do? Shes the busiest person ever but I wonder sometimes if she all those things she has to do are all really that important! Some are or course. How would you manage this situation and try to find more time together to build out relationship further? thank you

Trixiegum I'm struggling with lack of in laws support regarding my spouses mental illness
  • replies: 8

My spouse had been diagnosed with mental health issues some years before we were together. He was hearing voices and had thoughts of suicide, near attempt and admission into hospital. During our relationship he went through periods of highs, lows, se... View more

My spouse had been diagnosed with mental health issues some years before we were together. He was hearing voices and had thoughts of suicide, near attempt and admission into hospital. During our relationship he went through periods of highs, lows, self hate, paranoid phases and often took his inner thoughts out on me and would later apologise. He was a heavy drinker. Fast forward to the last 12 months. My spouse started hearing voices again, of religious nature (nothing against religion but non-religious back ground so this was completely out of character). He turned obsessed literally overnight, telling me about visions/messages he was receiving and talking about eternal life etc. He stopped engaging in his normal interests and became fully obsessed. The positive was that he stopped drinking, but I was deeply concerned. I expressed my concern to him and asked him to see someone, which he refused. I contacted his parents, who were well aware of his past and of his sudden obsession. They rang him he said he was the best he ever was and that was it from them despite them not having seen him for almost 12 months. The coming months after that were hard, my spouse and I separated, he was a different person. He got baptised, went to bible study, started paying a percentage of his wage, he made a whole new circle of friends, barely spoke to any of our friends. I contacted his parents several times throughout a number of months to ask them to come and see him - they refused and basically called me a liar because every time they called him he would say nothing was wrong.I had the support of my family (long distance) and our friends but the support I wanted and expected from his parents (and given his history) was absent. After being separated for almost six months he finally sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We've moved to a place where we both have family (apart from his parents). He is medicated and is back to himself, in acceptance and our relationship is slowly mending. He is still going through highs and lows, self hate times which I have to talk/support him through. All of my family are aware of his diagnosis, his parents are, but the rest of his family are kept in the dark. I know every family deals with things differently - but I am struggling with having a relationship with his parents after not having any support and not once asking me how he has been going in the last 6 months since his diagnosis, it is just not mentioned at all.

93smum Looking for help to support my 24yo son
  • replies: 10

My 24 yo son, who lives interstate, has anxiety and depression. I believe he has started the process of seeking help, but he has a history of lying to me so I don't really know what to believe. He has experienced anxiety and depression before and has... View more

My 24 yo son, who lives interstate, has anxiety and depression. I believe he has started the process of seeking help, but he has a history of lying to me so I don't really know what to believe. He has experienced anxiety and depression before and has seen a psychologist. His dad and I separated when he was 11 and his dad died unexpectedly 5 years ago - he is an only child and isn't close to any other family, so it's just the two of us. My son recently visited for Christmas and although he spent a lot of time in his room on-line, I did manage to get him out and about a bit, and he said it helped, but he refuses to consider moving here for a few months so I can help him get back on track. He is unemployed and shows no interest in looking for work. I think he was studying last year, but who knows? He self-medicates with screens and food and is very overweight. I am considering moving to the city he lives in to try and support him. Last year, I was sending him money to help him out, but I am seriously considering withdrawing financial support as I don't think it's helping. I'd be really interested in your advice - do you think that moving to be closer to him will help? I struggle to cope with the lying and it really poisons our relationship. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear to protect himself from what he fears will be my disapproval and to "protect" me. I love him to death and don't know what to do.