How to guide a brother with serious mental health issues

[Quiettall]

I have a younger brother who is about 65 years old. He destroyed his marriage and relationships with his immediate family (children/grandchildren) some 5 or so years ago by gambling his and his wife's savings away. He is an habitual liar, telling all sorts of stories to make out he is doing well and very successful in life.

Last Christmas he had a heart issue and was admitted to Intensive care for a few weeks. I was notified within minutes of flying overseas with my wife  (He listed me as next of kin because no-one else in the family will have anything to do with him). He is now recovered and living in a men's refuge style of accommodation, although he tells me he has bought and living in his own unit. He had a relationship with a woman who has contacted me saying she has serious concerns about his deluded behaviour. She has sent deliveries of food and clothes to him as she visited him earlier in the year as a surprise, and was shocked at the poor quality of  accommodation he is in.

He arrived at my older brother's (Noel) home on Friday night for an overnight stay en-route to catching up with mates in Melbourne. My older brother rang me to say he was shocked and very concerned at Steve's mental and physical state. When Steve talks to me by sms or phone, he makes out he  is working, earning a good income, has recovered and walks 3-5 kms per day. However Noel said he could not walk 100 metres without struggling due to swollen legs and ankles, and Steve bragged about how he is living with 3 mates, has ahuge superannuation savings, is well supported by Centrelink and some side hussle he has (we think he is gambling still).

I have tried getting mental health support for him in NSW but he refuses, saying he is fine.I am concerned an not sure what I can do as I am in Brisbane caring for my very ill wife. I am fearing he will end up like his older brother who died 2 years ago after he suffered serious bi-polar and delusional behaviour, and ended up in an older men's care centre in Queensland.

I would be open to any guidance or advice here

[indigo22]

Hi Quiettall,

It is going to be difficult for you to monitor what is actually happening with your brother from a distance. Given that he is a pathological liar, you will never know what the truth is about his health or anything else when you converse.

The only thing I can suggest is calling CATT (Crisis Assessment and Treatment Team). They can assess him where he is living or staying and decide on a strategy and support for his mental health issues. I think they would be the best people to advise you on this one. Since I don't know where you are or he is, I can't give you a number to call but you will find them easily with CATT internet search.

I hope this helps.

Take care of yourself,

indigo

[Quiettall]

Hi Indigo. I live in Brisbane but my brother lives in NSW. Previously I have contacted the Mental Health team for the Nepean area and they have tried to arrange for him to have an assessment, but he denies that there is any problem and refused to co-operate. They did make contact with him again when he was in hospital over the Christmas period following his cardiac incident. He told me after he was discharged that he maintained contact with his treating physician, rehab person and social worker, but I dont know if I can believe him

[indigo22]

That makes it very difficult if he is unco-operative and in denial.

Have you got any idea what his mental disorder is? eg. Bi Polar or something else?

If you have a handle on that, perhaps you could get some advice from the Beyond Blue Helpline on ways to help him.

Is there anyone you trust that lives close to him? Someone who could let you know how he is on a regular basis? You already have one unwell person to take care of, is there anyone else in your family who lives closer who could step up and help?

You are in a tough situation and I feel for you. At the end of the day though, if he refuses to be helped, you can't force him to accept help he doesn't want. It has to be his choice unless he is so mentally unstable that he needs to be hospitalised. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, I am sure this is a great concern for you. I will put a call out to the other Champions to see if they have any other thoughts on this.

I'll be here to listen if you want to talk more about it.

indigo

[Quiettall]

I have 2 older brothers who both had bipolar. Both have unfortunately passed away. Both had social and mental health issues. One died in a palliative care unit but isolated himself from his wife and kids. The other brother had this delusional fantasy that he would develop the best driver training course for teenagers, and lost 2 marriages and all his life savings and any connections with his family before he passed away in a men's refuge on the Gold Coast 2 years ago.

Unfortunately I think my younger brother is going the same way and I am trying to work out how I can get him to see sense, stop his gambling and face reality

[Quiettall]

All his other siblings, his ex-wife and children have completely avoided him because of the damage he has caused them emotionally and financially. 

[indigo22]

I'm so sorry for your losses due to mental illness, I can understand why you would want to be able to change the course of events that your brother seems to be heading towards. It would seem you are his only ally and if he could just accept the help you are trying to give him, his life could possibly turn out quite differently to your older brothers.

I can also understand the separation that the rest of the family need to heal from the past damage. I have had to separate myself from the only family member I have left due to her narcissism.

I hope you are getting some support yourself while you are going through this difficult time of your life.

I have asked any other Champions to chime in if they have further advice, so hopefully someone has something else to contribute for you. Chat here whenever you feel the need.

indigo

[Quiettall]

Thanks Indigo. You are a legend

[Croix]

Dear Peter~
I'd like to welcome you back and I'm sorry it is under such circumstances. I am afraid I’m going to be blunt, unpleasant but I think you deserve it -you are a good man, I'd be grateful if you could try to remember that, also the number of people you have assisted. Looking back to see what you have done may be a help, you do not shirk responsibility

You have always been a person with a strong social conscience as can be seen by your work here and also overseas, so I can imagine how much more it upsets and frustrates you to find your brother in such dire straits without any clear path of how to help - or even trust him.

There must be some link, as he did nominate you as next of kin, but sadly that may be as far as it goes.

Indigo has done an excellent job in canvassing all the actions you can take, and there may be a temptation to go to him in the hope being on the spot wil make a difference.

Unfortunately, it is not so much your physical distance as the nature of the illness, which together with a refusal to seek or cooperate with the correct clinical assistance really does put things for now at a full stop. If your brother in NSW who is closer then I'm sure he would have done as much as anyone can do.

It must be deeply upsetting to see the same thing is happening now as happened two times before. It would have been only natural in the past to worry that you to might have inherited the condition. I am personally am very glad as a friend you never contracted the same condition and remain capable and caring.

I am sorry to find you wife is so ill and requires your help, to be torn two ways is horrible, however you have always dealt generously with your wife and leaving her to go south with no feasible plan might I believe weight more heavily on you than staying where you are.

So what can you do? Keep in touch with your brother in NSW and also the woman he knows who is concerned about him. I It may also be possible to keep in touch with any society or institution if he stays with them on a semi-permanent basis.
Perhaps his circumstances become more easily diagnosed by a CATT team if he becomes too divorce from reality, and then the choice not to obtain treatment may be revoked, at least for a while.
Maybe at that point you might find being closer helps to obtain him what he needs.

You have friends here

Croix

[Quiettall]

Thanks so much for your advice. I know my first priority is towards my wife and myself, but I really feel for my younger brother. You are right...just keep in touch with him and maintain contact with the medical annd mental health people in Nepean area in case he comes to his senses and seeks help or has another health crisis. I have managed to find his treating doctor and cardiologist and will send them a message today but dont think there is much else I can do