How to deal with a depressed partner?

[kittiek]

My boyfriend just told me he's been diagnosed with major depression. i'm not sure how to go about coping with this, especially because he's told me he wants me to give him space. i've let him know that i respect his decision of needing space, but that i'll still be there if he needs me. i don't want to push or pry because i don't want him to feel smothered, but at the same time i feel helpless and scared because he doesn't want me around. so i'm feeling a little lost at the moment.

[Snoman]

Hi kittiek,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. You will find lots of people here with lots of support for you and your boyfriend.

since he has been diagnosed, I'm guessing that means he is getting professional help, either in the form of antidepressants or therapy or both.  If you can encourage him to keep up with that it will help.  He may find it difficult to remember to take his medicine or feel up to going to see a therapist.

Coming here shows you want to learn more to best be able to support him.  There are links at the top of this page under Resources which will give information for sufferers as well as for friends and carers.  Some are large PDFs, and BeyondBlue can post them to you for free if you want.

Take your time.

Snoman

[BeeGee]

Let me second Snoman's welcome. It's wonderful that you care enough that you are committing to meeting your boyfriend where he is at, and that you signed up here for support.

When we are really down, all we want is to crawl into a dark hole alone and pull the hole in behind us. I think the approach you have taken is perfect - you aren't pushing an agenda that he is not ready for, but you have made it clear that you are there for him. I don't think any of us can ask for more than that from our loved ones.

This is likely to be a tough time for you too, so don't be afraid to get some help of your own. Obviously we are here for support any time, but if you feel you need something a little more personal talk to your GP about getting a referral to a psychologist - Medicare will fund 10 visits to a psychologist.  He/she will be able to help you deal with your own feelings as well as give you strategies for supporting your boyfriend most effectively.

I think for most of us, early after diagnosis can be amongst the most difficult times as we adjust our whole perception of ourselves and the world around us. Try not to take it personally when he is out of sorts and doesn't seem like the guy you used to know. Hopefully with effective treatment he will return - maybe even better than before if he's been depressed and undiagnosed for some time.

[White_Rose]

Dear Kittiek

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can help and support you. Post here as often as you need. Someone will always respond.

When a person has depression the instinct is to run away and hide. The whole illness is scary because you are in place you have never been before. It is nothing like being miserable over some thing, being unhappy because of a sad situation, even the death of a very loved person. These situations are difficult to manage but depression is a whole new ballgame.

Your boyfriend will have a range of thoughts and feelings that are painful. He will have thoughts like, "I'm no good", "I'm not worthy of you", and other similar thoughts. These are untrue, but for him they are very real. He may believe it will be easier to get well on his own, or with only the help of his doctor or therapist. This is most assuredly not the case. He will need you and others who care.

One thing is certain. He will find it difficult to tell you these things. He is probably ashamed of himself, which is a common response to depression. Ask anyone writing on this forum. It is the depression speaking.  Your boyfriend is not crazy but sometimes he will be hard to understand.

Depression is called The Black Dog and follows its master everywhere. The best help is to walk with him on this journey.  No advice on what to do, except take any prescribed medication and see his therapist and/or doctor regularly.

Practical things to do include getting him to go for walks or to do some form of exercise. This has a huge beneficial effect on the brain. Eat good food regularly, even in small amounts. If he is like many of us he may be bad tempered at times. Try not to take this personally. Usually it is because he is afraid of what is happening and frustrated when he feels he is not getting well quickly enough.

Getting well will take time and patience. The ADs will take at least four weeks to kick in and therapy will take longer. Make sure you look after yourself. Keep healthy by eating well and exercising.

If you start feeling miserable and frustrated go to your doctor and explain the situation. He/she should be able to help and even send you for therapy if necessary. It is vital that you keep well otherwise it will be a case of the blind leading the blind.

Now I hope I have not frightened you to death with this information. The most important thing is to be there for him and listen when he wants to talk. No advice, but it's OK to ask gentle questions.

Tell us how you are going

LING

[Stevejaz]

OK, I'm new here and think I have found the appropriate thread.

Came here looking for help in Handling a partner's Depression which is undiagnosed and untreated. I am assuming here that it is depression. I am hovering on the point of ending the relationship as a means of self preservation. Any attempt to discuss with her results in me being blamed for the way she is feeling. I think the fact that I am still with her shows I do care about her but it gets increasingly hard to recognise her behaviour as a product of her illness and not resent her for it.

I guess my biggest question is how do I get her to seek help?

[Snoman]

Hi Stevejaz,

It is very difficult for partners and family when someone they love and care about is going through depression.  I suggest you have  a look through the links above, especially under Resources/Family and Friends/Caring for someone...  There is a PDF with lots of info.  They can even send it to you for free.

Unfortunately, mental illness still carries quite a stigma and this often discourages someone from seeking help.  When my wife confronted me and asked if I was suffering depression, I had already been researching into it.  I suspected so, but thought I could deal with my head, no need to involve anyone.

I was lucky that my wife had an appointment with our GP that she could let me take instead. I was uncomfortable with the idea.  I was thinking "the GP is just going to look at me a say I'm being a silly sook - grow up and be responsible", that I was just wasting everybody's time.  But if the doctor said I am, then what?

When I spoke to the GP, I could muster the confidence to say "I think I'm suffering depression", so instead I said "my wife was wondering if I might have depression".  She asked me a couple of general questions about how I was feeling.  She then had me do the K10 screening test.  This is the same test as linked on this web site (go to Get Support/Get Started Now, and look for the anxiety and depression checklist).

I had done the K10 checklist here, so I already knew my score would be high, even though my answers seemed reasonable to me.  The GP asked me if I would accept medication.  During the consult, I went from feeling quite comfortable to my head screaming to get me out of there.  Gratefully I said yes.

The GP can also put you on a mental health plan which enables you to receive 10 sessions per year funded by medicare to see a psychologist.  As we were about to move interstate, I had to delay the mental health plan until we had arrived in the new city.

I was well supported by my GP(s) and the psychologist.  The medication helped tremendously.  It does take about 4 weeks to see benefit from the meds.

My suggestion is to start with something like:

"You know I am concerned that you might have depression.  I have been learning more about it and I now know it is really common - people just don't talk about it.  I can't imagine how awful you feel, but I want to support you.  There is a checklist on the BeyondBlue web site.  Can we do it together?"

Hope that helps.

Snoman.

[kittiek]

Thank you everyone, for the replies.

As of right now he's still shutting me out. I haven't heard from him, so I really don't have any idea what's been going on the past week. As far as I know, he hasn't told his family anything, so I'm a little reluctant to ask them. I don't even know if he's been prescribed antidepressants or some other form of therapy.

Admittedly, being in the dark about this hasn't been the best for me either. He was my main source of support for my anxiety issues, and him suddenly 'disappearing' triggered it again for me. The last time he had to deal with heavy news he ended up pushing me away and breaking up. I have been trying, but I haven't been coping well with things myself, at this point.

I have been to my GP and he knows about everything, but has been very against prescribing me any medication. He did however tell me that antidepressants were an option if I were to get worse down the road. 

I know that I need to look after myself before I can help my boyfriend through this, but lately I've just been having zero motivation.

[kittiek]

And also an update, I've managed to get in touch with my boyfriend and while he is on antidepressants (has been for about two weeks), he has also been drinking heavily as a means to cope. This worries me a lot. He still says he doesn't want me around and he would rather face things on his own and he says I'm going to look at him differently because of his depression. I have reassured him plenty that I understand that depression does not define who he is, and that it won't make me view him differently. But he still determined on going at it alone. 

I'm happy to give him the space he needs, but my concerns at this moment are that at the moment he's behaving very recklessly and has no regard for his own safety. He says he hasn't felt any better from the antidepressants which is demotivating him even more. But to my understanding, and please do correct me if I'm wrong, antidepressants take at least 4-6 weeks to fully start working, given they're the right kind for him?

Furthermore, I'm the only one he's told and because he doesn't want me around, I really am concerned about his well-being and safety. I don't know what more I can do without overstepping or intruding on him wanting his space. What I have done, however, is let him know I'll text him in a week just to see how he is going.

[Snoman]

Hi Kittiek,

How I wish this wasn't the case, but yes, expect at least 4 weeks on AD's before you notice any improvement.  Over the next several months, things should get better (with ups and downs), so it is a really slow process.

It took me about 6 weeks on one AD, then 5 months on another to say I am doing great.  Add to this 10 sessions with a psychologist.  I still have the odd anxiety attack, but I can manage it and remain functional.  At least the black thoughts have all but completely gone without trace.

Alcohol is a depressant, so he really needs to stay off it.  Distraction is a much better tool for coping through the bad bits.  I suggest watching movies, video games, painting a room, anything that doesn't require much brain power, but keeps the brain too busy to think the ugly thoughts.

Getting through this on your own is soooooo difficult.  There is a nice "Manly" link on the front page of the Beyondblue web site at the moment in the scrolly images at the top.  Wait for the bit that says "Man Therapy - Therapy so manly it'll put hairs on your brain." It takes you to Dr Brian Ironwood's web site http://www.mantherapy.org.au

Maybe you could get your boyfriend to have a look at it.  Tell him it is so manly it'll put hairs on his brain (I love that line - can you tell - I put it in here twice).

Also, try to get him to commit to seeing a psychologist.  If he complains, tell him a psychologist is like a mental physiotherapist.  Your boyfriend does all the work, and the mental physiotherapist gives him exercises and shows him some new mental stretches.

Using medication and seeing a therapist doesn't mean he is not "doing this on his own", just that he is tackling his condition with the best available tools for the fastest recovery - like using power tools to get the job done quicker.

I suspect he really does appreciate you around, just doesn't want you to see him like this when he feels like curling into a tiny ball under the doona.  Bring him dinner and a movie, then watch it together and don't talk too much about how he is feeling.  Keep him distracted.  Don't hound or nag.

Sno

[kittiek]

Hello Sno,

thank you so much for the reply, I really appreciate it. I had a look at that website (and I'm pretty sure his man-therapy ads have been on tv before too) and I loved it! I would definitely want my boyfriend to have a look at if, if he gives me the chance. There is still so much I would like to do to help him in the right direction, but like I've said, he doesn't want me contacting him.  But I really do worry that this is the point where he's going to need someone the most, while he's waiting for the meds to fully kick in, since he hasn't been coping well.

I've been taking really tiny steps with him because I'm afraid he's just going to end up getting frustrated and breaking up if he feels I'm intruding on his space. Believe me, I would love nothing better than to turn up at his place, even if it means sitting there being ignored by him as we watch tv (he's said that was what he'd do if I went to see him so I shouldn't bother). Honestly, I would rather go through that than have him go out getting drunk somewhere. But I'm just worried if I go over anytime soon, I feel that he's going to end up pushing me away for good because he might feel it's too soon and I'm smothering him. 

And yeah, he's been having trouble with his psych because he does have issues communicating - he just clams up when he has to talk about serious issues. But like I said, I feel like there's not much I can do, even in terms of encouraging him to do this or that since he's adamant on me not contacting him. I don't know, at this point it kind of feels like I'm just looking through the window and seeing all this stuff go on but I can't really do anything except wait for him to either let me in or tell me to go away. 

Like I said in my previous post, I told him I'd text him in a week so I guess we'll see how things go then.

Kittie