How to deal with a depressed partner?

[kittiek]

My boyfriend just told me he's been diagnosed with major depression. i'm not sure how to go about coping with this, especially because he's told me he wants me to give him space. i've let him know that i respect his decision of needing space, but that i'll still be there if he needs me. i don't want to push or pry because i don't want him to feel smothered, but at the same time i feel helpless and scared because he doesn't want me around. so i'm feeling a little lost at the moment.

[geoff]

dear Kittiek, I am so pleased that you have contacted us with regard to your boyfriend.

Can I say that all the replies from the wonderful people above have all been spot on, I just want to reinforce what they have said is that when our partner/spouse suffers from depression is that we just push our loved ones away, and the reason for this is that we have a feeling that we don't want to drag them into how we are felling.

People seem to be asking us why are we depressed, there's no need for you to be this way, but with this illness what we have means nothing, it all goes out the window, and we don't liked to be told anything else.

I know that you want to help him as much as you can which is great, but he doesn't know this, and probably doesn't care,so he has resorted to drinking alcohol which is a depressive, but he and myself didn't take it as such, it's something that numbs our depression, and yes I have to agree in hindsight that it only pushes our healing further down the line, but unfortunately we can't be told.

What alcohol does is that it waters down any medication.

If he has trouble talking with his psych, I can understand this, but this will change if he has a connection with them. L Geoff. x

Stevejaz, I well and truly know what you are saying about you being blamed for her illness, and boy how true it was for me as well, no matter what I tried to do didn't make any difference, as I was always hounded down in what ever I did or say.

See if you can start your own post. Geoff.

[kittiek]

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for the reply, I appreciate you taking time out of your day to do it 🙂 Sorry for the really delayed response, I've been trying to get my own life in order too.

I had a response typed up and ready to go until the site decided to go nuts on me, but I'll try to remember what I'd written before and hopefully don't miss anything out.

Basically, things have slowly seemed like they're getting a little better with him, communication-wise. I don't know if he's been taking his ADs regularly, but I do know he's still been drinking heavily. But I feel like there's nothing I can do about that, it's entirely up to him to decide if/when he's ready to start helping himself.

At this point I'm just happy he's slowly starting to respond to my texts (a little reply here and there is better than no news at all, I say), I try to encourage him to do things together with me and hopefully he will start wanting to. I don't try to talk to him about his depression because I get the feeling he doesn't want to, and neither do I want to stress him out further. I'm not sure about the whole psych thing, he's always disliked having to see one ever since he had to see one when he was younger. Hopefully we can find one for him, but he lives in a small town and I don't think there would be too many psychs to choose from?

I know this is going to be a long journey, especially with a stubborn person like him, but I do know that it's a journey I'm willing to go on with him.

Kittie

[kittiek]

And to add on to this, how do I deal with him thinking he's no good and all that? Is there really anything at all that I can do/say to make him see that I don't see him that way at all? Or is this just something I need to let him deal with by himself?

I've just now managed to have a chat with him over the phone after about a month and all I got out of him was that he thinks he's no good and he's a -expletive- and everyone thinks of him as such. Every now and then I do remind him of why I love him and that I can see he's got a good heart and he's such a kind person, but he can't see that. It's difficult for me to hear him call himself such things. I reassured him again today that I don't see him any differently because of his depression, and I don't. I still see the same person I fell in love with. 

I know at this point it really is hard for him to be able to take in what anyone tells him and he's just really consumed in his thoughts, but is there really anything I can do about that? Or do I just let this run its course, however long it might take?

[geoff]

dear Kittie, that's a very good question, and there are two answers yes and no, and both won't be the answers your looking for, however yes because he has to know that he has someone who cares about him, even though he won't show any signs of acknowledging it, but it's at the back of his mind because he won't stop thinking although mostly it will be all negative thoughts.

No because his mind is consumed in what he's going to do, and at the moment that's drinking and staying by himself.

It's not so much as thinking about himself so much but it's what he's lost, and everything from the past humpteen years have been reduced into a single thought of misery.

He will only begin to feel better when he starts to realise that it's time for some help, and neither he nor you will know when this will happen. L Geoff. x

[Snoman]

Spot on Geoff.  Perfectly answered I reckon.

[cow_lady]

My daughter has depression so her & her boyfriend moved interstate 2yrs ago, So she has had all the signs & he believes in natural therapy. But I know that wont work so for a while he didn't want her going on medication and now she is so he has excepted that. Now only 4 months since she has been on them he has called off there relationship due to he keeps going back in the past & how she was before she was medicated I thought if somebody loved you that much they would go threw the journey with you.  

[kittiek]

Hi Geoff, thanks for the response. That helped a fair bit, even though they might not be things I want to hear, they still put my mind at ease a little more. But yeah it's been a really trying time, all I can do is be patient right now. 

Hi cow lady, I guess it depends on the individual and how they are able to cope/handle situations like these?

[kittiek]

I have another question in regards to medication. I just found out today that he has stopped taking his AD. Even while he was on his meds, he wasn't regularly taking them.

I try to encourage and help him wherever I can without nagging or overstepping my boundaries, but it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle at the moment.

I know he can only begin to feel better once he realises he needs to help himself and I honestly don't know when this will happen; he's really just avoiding the whole issue altogether. It seems like he's just resigned himself to the fact that he's got depression and left it at that. 

So I don't really know where to go from here. How can I encourage him to get back on his medication? Or again, do I just have to wait this out until he realises it's time for some help? But again, I'm worried this will never happen because he seems to just ignore/avoid anything to do with his depression.

[Pixie15]

Hi kittiek,

My partner suffers anxiety and depression and has been on AD's for the last few years. He goes through periods of trying to decrease the dosage or stopping completely. However because he actually feels better when he is taking a consistent dose he tends to get back to a level he is comfortable with. I try to accept it is his choice. Do you know if your partner is suffering side effects that he is not comfortable with? If the AD's are not helping might be time to try to encourage him to talk to his doctor again.

Grateful.

[Snoman]

Hi Kittie,

You probably already know that the ADs are only effective if they are taken consistently.  Sometimes when we feel like this is our 'normal' we think we don't need to take our meds.  Sometimes what we think is our 'normal' isn't.  It is very difficult to be objective about ourselves, and this is a time when we need to trust others.

I think Grateful is right in that he should go past his GP at least 'for a review on his progress' where he can discuss how his meds are affecting him.  That includes side effects and how they are helping his depression.  He may need to try a different type or dose.

Someone else here mentioned three key parts of recovery: Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

He needs to be Aware of what depression is and how it can affect him, his moods, his ability to concentrate, his sleep patterns, and that it can be managed.  He may not be aware of treatment options, where to find professional or support or even just how common it is.

He needs to Accept that he really does have depression and can and deserves to get better.  He also needs to accept that unfortunately he probably will have it for life.  That doesn't mean he has to feel awful forever, but once he has recovered from this episode, he will need to continue to look after his mental health to hopefully prevent another episode, or at least to cope better if it returns.  Accepting does not mean resigning himself to it.

He needs to take Action as the depression won't go away by itself.  While a person with depression may feel unable to push themselves to do anything, there are things they can do.  Each step taken makes them that bit stronger and able to take another step.  Good early actions are to read up about depression, going to the GP, taking medication consistently, asking the GP for a mental health plan, attending sessions with a therapist/psychologist, going for regular 20 min walks, making sure they get a good nights sleep.

From your posts, it sounds like he needs to learn more about depression.  Perhaps get hold of the fact sheets that are available here, (BB can post them to you free of charge) and leave the key ones around for him to find?

Can you have a heart to heart talk about how you just want to be sure he is going ok with his treatment?  Don't pity him/pander to his low sense of self worth.  Talk to him the same as if he had diabetes & wanted to know how he was tracking.

Sno