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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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wornoutmum Help with 17 year old girl suffering depression and anxiety.
  • replies: 15

I am the mother of a 17 year old who has depression and anxiety. This has been a problem that we have dealt with for a while but has gotten markedly worse in the past few months. bullying, poor selfimage and selfdoubt has left her unable to cope with... View more

I am the mother of a 17 year old who has depression and anxiety. This has been a problem that we have dealt with for a while but has gotten markedly worse in the past few months. bullying, poor selfimage and selfdoubt has left her unable to cope with school. Getting a C is not enough in her eyes that is a fail so therefore will not do anything. Cannot get her to go to school. She even missed out on a trip to California with the school that she paid for losing $4500. this left her suicidal for a while during which we watched diligently. We have taken her away for a few days but are considering CYMS at the Mater in Brisbane. She is currently under the care of Headspace but counselling is only fortnightly and has litlle effect for longer than 1 day. She is on medication from the psychiatrist but this has had the effect of keeping her more level but not not treating the cause or helping with a recovery as such. Has anyone had any help with CYMS at Mater. Have been advised by Headspace to take her to emergency in order to get admission.

Guest_9466 Can someone who suffers from depression be a carer?
  • replies: 7

Hi, I am not new to depression but this is the first time, I am caring for someone who shows symptoms of depression and anxiety. Not sure if I am cut out to be a carer. I thought I was doing ok until I had an accident yesterday. Wasn't concentrating ... View more

Hi, I am not new to depression but this is the first time, I am caring for someone who shows symptoms of depression and anxiety. Not sure if I am cut out to be a carer. I thought I was doing ok until I had an accident yesterday. Wasn't concentrating and paying attention and as a consequence, collided with another car. Minor damages to both cars but still, instead of being thankful, I am now worrying about paying the excess and going over and over again the what if scenario. so, my question is whether I am cut out to be a carer? How can someone who needs support, support another person who suffered from depression? Am I likely to do more harm than good? And, so it goes on and on.

Thinking_ahead how to deal with an abusive partner
  • replies: 3

So, have been together for a while 3 plus years. he proposed 1.5 years in, have lived together for 2 years of that. before we got together, I had brought a house, had my own car, had everything furniture wise, a great paying job, with awsme holidays(... View more

So, have been together for a while 3 plus years. he proposed 1.5 years in, have lived together for 2 years of that. before we got together, I had brought a house, had my own car, had everything furniture wise, a great paying job, with awsme holidays( nothing flash but enjoyable), had savings and paying off my house more than i needed to. had a cat and 6 fish.he still lived at home, had a car but not the best( his words), had almost no savings, a dog and no worries in the world because he lived at home and mum and dad would fish him out when needed. So fast forward to the last 12 months, he has made some not so good decisions. Some great purchases for work but without thinking of the repayments to come and the upkeep ( cost maily). so i end up having to foot the bill. it is hard to explain to him that i am not made of money and just because i budget and scrimp and save every 5 cent piece i get. i know it is personal choice, but he has been promising for 2 years he will quit smoking ( still waiting), if i bring up cost of something i get told o not worry about it or dont worry about the repayments ( i worry because that impacts my house or credit rating in the long run). with all this he decides to drip feed me information or not tell me all together. I find out either because people accidentally tell me or i read his emails( i know i shouldn't but some days its easier than starting a fight). I ask about things and either get no answer or a half sentence. Every time a bill comes in the comment - I'll just kill myself and we wont need to pay them.......- sadly they will continue to come no matter what really.after a few to many drinks he yells at me and everything is my fault, the best one is a new work car, driving home and he throws his drink out the window down the car and tells me to get out of HIS car ( year HIS car, but he wants a designated driver for when he drinks) How do i find him HELP - he refuses to go to GP or anyone else as he is a MAN

MeandHank How much am I entitled to happiness?
  • replies: 5

I met my Husband 5 years ago and we married after one year of dating, this being a second marriage for us both (in our 40's) each with kids. Needless to say, I thought he was the most wonderful, kind and caring man in the world and then it all starte... View more

I met my Husband 5 years ago and we married after one year of dating, this being a second marriage for us both (in our 40's) each with kids. Needless to say, I thought he was the most wonderful, kind and caring man in the world and then it all started to go mad. Ridiculous rage, not sleeping, taking things to excess, (who on earth needs that many ducks, coffee mugs, beer glasses, dog leashes), drinking to excess (beer, coffee and soft drink), poor decision making, forgetfulness, depression, overeating.....what was going on???? Many visits to the doctor with possibilities of B12 deficiency, low testosterone, sleep apnoea, depression. Tests and pills, diet, machines and a lot of patience and desperately trying to somehow make him happy, but nothing worked. Of course, to the outside world he was Mr. Spontaneous and Fun, how could he not be happy at home? All hell broke loose in January of this year when he polished of a dozen beers and two bottles of red before a late afternoon BBQ at a family members home. My son and I left him to finish what he was doing and I told him to call when he was ready to come......decided to ride his motorcycle. Everone thought it was harmless, he didn't have to go too far and he was being funny, they all laughed and joked along with him. Time to go, it was a school night and he wasn't ready, again, we left without him, thinking he would be smart enough to just walk the couple of hundred meters. Nope! He rode . It had never happened before, but there was a hole from his fist inthe wall. What the heck was going on? I'm devastated and plead with him to get more help. He does and a diagnosis of Bipolar II is made. More devastation. Even though the medication is helping, there are still signs of the bad stuff, it tough. He's still not the man I married. We're having problems and I don't know how to cope with the past stresses and as people say "get over it and move on". It really is a reent diagnosis, but he is level, but I'm not able to reconnect with him as my husband after more than three years of chaos. I feel lost and alone and want a happy stable life for my son who has suffered dreadfully through this ordeal (probably more than me). I saw a counsellor for a while before the diagnosis and divorce was on my mind, but since diagnosis, getting him through this is imperative. If I left now, the guilt I would feel might wreck me. Thoughts from anyone who has been through a sinilar situation would be appreciated. Thank you.

Violet1990 Husband of 24 years - unfaithful and confused
  • replies: 8

I am looking for some support for my situation as I am totally at a loss at what to do. Brief story, my husband has been on antidepressants for 5 years or more, mainly to calm him and his verbal outbursts. I have supported him and we moved on togethe... View more

I am looking for some support for my situation as I am totally at a loss at what to do. Brief story, my husband has been on antidepressants for 5 years or more, mainly to calm him and his verbal outbursts. I have supported him and we moved on together and have been very happy. Last six months he has spiralled out of control. He has joined dating websites, slept with a prostitute and seeked out gay men. He has admitted to everything but denies he is gay or slept with a man. We have been to counsellors and he is seeing a physiatrist, although only one appointment so far. He loves me very much, I know this, but every time I feel myself slowly accepting his behaviour as a very confused man, I find out something else. This is my fault as I have lost the trust and I am searching for things. Three nights ago he did not come home and says he slept in his car at the beach. He swears he done nothing wrong, just needed time to think. Am I being paranoid? I have asked him to move out to find himself and I will be here when he does. But he cries and says he loves me and does not want to go. If anyone can offer words of support or how to help me handle my husband, I would be very greatful.

ZsMumma Feeling Trapped
  • replies: 1

I'm not sure where to start... More and more lately I have been feeling trapped in my relationship with my partner. We have been together for 3.5 years and have a 2 y/o (def not planned!). When our son was concieved our relationship was on and off bu... View more

I'm not sure where to start... More and more lately I have been feeling trapped in my relationship with my partner. We have been together for 3.5 years and have a 2 y/o (def not planned!). When our son was concieved our relationship was on and off but once I found out I was pregnant we moved in together and things were good, we got engaged when our DS was 5 months old, and bought a house. We were happy. Fast forward to Mar/Apr this year and he had some health problems that could have been quite significant and I started to feel as though I wished he would just die because it would make my life easier. I started speaking to a psychologist regarding these feelings and both he and I were working through it somewhat and life was on the right track again. But over the past month or so I am over his crap. He doesn't help me around the house or the yard - I'm constantly asking for help with our DS. I find that I resent him for playing his computer all the time - It's like this machine is more important to him than us. Increasingly he is preferring to stay on the computer instead of engaging in family routines/times. I resent him because I no longer participate in any of my interests because his disdain for them makes me feel guilty about leaving our DS. I want to leave him but I feel so trapped. He has had depression/anxiety issues for many years and has said that if I took our son away he would probably kill himself. If we were to separate and sell the house we would both lose money as we haven't had it for very long and he has made it very clear that his cousin is a solicitor and he won't be 'screwed over' I can't leave our son with him for extended periods (2+ days) because I am afraid that he will not watch him and something will happen to the toddler. As he doesn't have the worlds best health I just wish he would die because that would solve my problems and I could do what I want. I hate thinking like this but I don't know what else to do.

kittiek How to deal with a depressed partner?
  • replies: 19

My boyfriend just told me he's been diagnosed with major depression. i'm not sure how to go about coping with this, especially because he's told me he wants me to give him space. i've let him know that i respect his decision of needing space, but tha... View more

My boyfriend just told me he's been diagnosed with major depression. i'm not sure how to go about coping with this, especially because he's told me he wants me to give him space. i've let him know that i respect his decision of needing space, but that i'll still be there if he needs me. i don't want to push or pry because i don't want him to feel smothered, but at the same time i feel helpless and scared because he doesn't want me around. so i'm feeling a little lost at the moment.

misskitty How can I help him when he takes it out on me?
  • replies: 4

My partner and I have been together for six years and we have 3 kids, 5yo twins and a 6mo baby. While he has struggled with mental health issues for well beyond these years our relationship has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Our twins arrive... View more

My partner and I have been together for six years and we have 3 kids, 5yo twins and a 6mo baby. While he has struggled with mental health issues for well beyond these years our relationship has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Our twins arrived very early into the relationship and in a 12 month period we met, moved states, he had to find new job, and we were faced with not one but two babies. The first two years of our twins' lives were awful. He was depressed and jealous of the babies, unhelpful and full of blame, most of it directed at me for making him leave life as he knew it, his family and friends to go somewhere he hated, found boring and difficult to fit in to. We sought relationship counselling which he also resented and somehow, eventually he went to the doctor, saw a psychiatrist to be prescribed medication, and saw a psychologist for around a year.Fast forward a couple of still challenging but much better years and right around when our baby was born he decided to stop taking his medication as it was making him fat - nothing to do with the ever increasing amount of alcohol or binge eating. So under gp supervision he weaned off his meds, I thought with the intention of trying something different, but he now refuses to go back as any medication may hinder his weight loss. He has been looking after himself much more but the depression is back and he is so angry that I am at the point of not knowing how much more I can take.I am probably not the supportive partner that he needs, but I find it incredibly difficult to be supportive when someone is constantly abusing me (verbally), putting me down and telling me that I don't care about the pressure he is under and blaming me for his depression. I know he is unfulfilled physically and this is a huge deal for him - we don't have sex very often as I can't go there with someone I don't like, and sadly I don't like him very often due to the way he speaks to and treats me. He is often angry and lashes out and just last night a conversation quickly turned and he threw a bottle of beer across the room, told me he hates me and that I deserve a good slap and that he should just go and kill himself as I don't care. By this morning he's sorry and loves me and promises to go and talk with someone, but I've heard it all before. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to help, and his depression is now taking its toll on me and I am miserable. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Bananahammock My ex has BPD, and I abandoned her. *trigger*
  • replies: 1

Hello all, I left my bpd girlfriend seven months ago. We recently reconnected (I initiated this) and I feel I truly know now what is needed to care for someone with mental illness. I'm working on a lot of self education and well-being to make sure I'... View more

Hello all, I left my bpd girlfriend seven months ago. We recently reconnected (I initiated this) and I feel I truly know now what is needed to care for someone with mental illness. I'm working on a lot of self education and well-being to make sure I'm as prepared as possible to be the supportive and understanding person she needs. I walked out (4 times) on somebody with abandonment fears, so she understandably doesn't believe or trust me. I've tried everything to show her I care, to let her know I'm here for her, but it's being met with a lot of anger, again, understandable. I know she loves and misses me. I know she's hurt by my actions, I know she doesn't want to be hurt more. I guess my question is, have you overcome or learned to cope with abandonment and trust worries after a partner let you down? I love her to bits, I want the best for her, and I know I can't force my feelings onto her.. She doesn't have a large support group, so I am worried a little.. It's almost like I'm the only one she can talk to, though I'm also the source of her pain. I want to let her know I'm here for her without making things worse or pushing her away. Any thoughts, advice, constructive criticism would be very welcome. Kind regards, BH

Bananahammock Seeking support / advice, BPD ex-girlfriend.
  • replies: 1

Hey guys, I'm new here. I've been apart from my ex, who suffered from BPD and depression, for 7 months. We've worked things out previously, though I physically left four times. The time apart has made me look at my own role in things, and I'm returni... View more

Hey guys, I'm new here. I've been apart from my ex, who suffered from BPD and depression, for 7 months. We've worked things out previously, though I physically left four times. The time apart has made me look at my own role in things, and I'm returning to therapy, educational tools and some sessions with a Buddhist monk to explore mindfulness and other skills. Probably too little too late, but I feel I really understand now what it takes to support a loved one with mental illness and, well, I want to be there for her. We recently reconnected (my doing) and I know she is in a lot of pain. I know she still misses and loves me, but the abandonment and shame is something I can see she is struggling with, and rightfully so. Guess I'm wondering if any of you have been in the situation where you felt you had to leave, but were able to return and get your relationship back on track later on. How did you discuss and handle the fear of abandonment brought on by your leaving? What were the best skills you learned to ensure the same old mistakes weren't made? I've let her know I'm here for her and I've done everything possible to reassure her of my intentions, and I'm sure she even believes me at times, it's just the fear of being hurt again is understandably a huge hurdle. She's also (I believe) worried about the shame of telling friends and family we are together again, after sharing our on again off again history with them in the past. Thanks in advance for any advice. BH