Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

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Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Relationship with Aspergers! Advice?

replies: 1

Hi All Seeking some advice for others about how I can approach my situation. Ill fill you in. I have suffered from depression, ADD & mania most of my life, you know the hyperactive kid!. I lived with it until i met my girlfriend. After 8 years of hearing her call me "energiser bunny" and telling me how anxious i make her feel, of her making me feel defective for my bouts of mania and craziness, and let me be clear I find being me really hard sometimes and also writing this down makes me think "why am i with her?" - we have 3 wonderful children who i love with all my heart. Anyway, she has suffered from severe depression all her life and now has been diagnosed with Aspergers/Autism and guess what, i am now supposed to accept her personality and adjust how i deal with her. All these years my personality has never been considered or understood, I was expected to medicate myself to the point that i had so much medication i felt out of body & slow.. Now i am expected to accept her condition & they way she thinks. I'm glad in way that I know now why she is such a "difficult" person, but that still doesn't make it easy to have my self-esteem at record low levels over the past years!!!! I don't think this it fair that i am again the person who has to adjust, i really don't, and my depression and sense of worth has been shattered. I find myself doing what she should have done and researching the condition and trying to work with it. I'm no angel, but i guess i feel cheated that she has tried to change me and now i have to change ME again. I don't want to abandon the situation, my life as a kid was full of that! I need some advice from anyone else who has a Aspergers person in their life who can help me out.

Feeling let down

replies: 2

i have been the cater for my husband who was diagnosed with anxiety approximately seven years ago. We worked with the dr and psychologist. He was put on medication and learnt to deal with his anxiety. last year after dealing with a few issues he was in a depressed state. His medication was changed to deal with this. April last year my daughter had been self harming, bulimic and also suffering depression. We eventually found an adolescent psychologist for her and she was put on medication. This year however she made a couple of suicide attempts. This was the straw that broke the camels back with me. I could no longer cope as the carer and found myself talking to a psychologist who helped me immensely to work through these issues. I learnt to let go of the guilt and realize my daughters actions were her own and not something I should take the blame for. after getting myself nearly back on my feet my husband unbeknown to me took himself off his medication as he thought he was better . Two weeks after he went away with a group had a massive meltdown he returned home to be diagnosed withsevere depression, anxiety and stress. This in toll has pulled the rug from under me again. He relies very heavily on me when in these states. He returned the quiet loving person I knew nearly twelve months ago. Within four weeks he had returned to the aggressive abusive person I had been dealing with for twelve months. After four weeks I could no longer cope and went away for time out. On returning it hit me. after research we found it was his medication. after talking to his dr immediately he was changed and returned to the person I used to know. i now however am bearing the scars. Trying very hard to move on but need help. I have explained to him at the moment I need reassurance and a bit more time from him. Something he is not willing to give. He is self employed and busy. I appreciate he is busy but it is a family business and we have workmen that can do the job also. But he is not willing to have the time off when I have days where I tell him I need him. This has left me feeling very alone and distraught. I have been told by him that he doesn't want to get into giving me too much time as I will expect it all the time. I don't know where to go from here as I feel I've helped him so much in the past and now he's not there for me. beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Being pushed away

replies: 7

I was with my partner for 9 months.Everything was fine for the first 6 months.She has been diagnosed with 'Manic Depression' for 5-6 years.She was on meds at age 18(shes now 23).She doesnt want to go on them now as shes scared it will 'take away the little piece thats left of her' yet she often would tell me she doesnt know who she is anymore.She often told me i was her 'savior' and the 'one consistent thing in her life' and would see me every day.She would often try and make me feel guilty if I did not.I think I was part of the reason she sought help with her first psyc 5 months ago.She had 8sessions.Unfortunately,the psyc told her she was ok and had enough 'strategies' and support from me.I though this was a bad move but tried being positive.Few months passed and fights turned nasty and into threats of self harm.She would constantly tell me all she wanted from me was 'love and affection'. She has had a hard upbringing and an unsupportive family but I cant help but feel she has pushed them out as opposed to the other way around like I got told.She broke up with me about a month ago as a fight got misinterpreted and she thought i had 'manhandled her'.I was simply trying to hold her and calm her down as she was trying to self harm.She sent nasty messages,told me I 'preyed on her because she was vulnerable and needed love'. 2days later she asked me to call her because she 'missed my voice' this turned into a meet up.During those two days she had a fight at home and left. She still sent nasty texts to me 'you never loved me, im so stupid i didnt see that you were an image of what i thought i wanted'.I pleaded with her saying it wasn't true.When I finally felt defeated I said I'll have to accept your thoughts and move on.suddenly her words changed to 'see, you dont even fight for us,your so quick to leave when it gets hard'. Recently she had an episode and I copped a lot of verbal abuse and sat there and did nothing.I left and said it was over.I got nasty txts saying i did her a favour as she was scarred to leave me because she thought she wanted me but she doesnt and id appreciate if you dont reply etc. I have not replied and Im not sure whether I should.I care about her and want her to know that but afraid if i contact her too soon it'll push her away even more because she is still in a negative mind frame.Dont want my silence to be her power if her though process is' shes not replying. Left in hard times again. 'Any suggestions?

Husband potentially has Depression but won't acknowledge it

replies: 2

Hi all12months ago my Hubby lost 2 close family members in quick succession during this period he started showing signs of the blues. Like not sleeping loss of appetite and feeling lost at work he would often wake during the night thinking of work and in the morning as he was getting ready would start dry reaching and making himself sick at the thought of going. (I should mention we are both in high stress jobs) He went to see a doctor because he noticed things weren't right with himself. He was given sleeping pills and was refered to a psychologist. He went to like 2 or 3 appointments and decided that it was a waste of money. 5 months ago we had our first child together he was off work with me for the first 3 months during that time he gained a fair bit of weight. Things were stressful with the baby as she had bad colic and reflux. After he returned to work it seemed like things were fine but just recently I've in the last month or so I have noticed changes in his attitude he no longer seems to be happy about things and in the last week has started dry reaching before work again. His daily routine consists of getting up going to work for 12-14 hours then coming home and sitting in front of the telly playing on his iPad till he's tired enough for bed. I have spoken to him about this and he just keeps telling me he's fine and not to worry. Could this be because he's feeling helpless as he's been through all this before and clearly the last lot of treatment didn't work?he is showing many of the signs of being depressed, he's irritable, not sleeping, not eating right, sleeping with heaps or not at all, stressed out and has severe back pain. Can anyone give me any ideas of what I should do to encourage him to get help? I want the man I married back. SIMILAR THREADSHusband with depressionMy husband's depression is destroying our marriageHow do I support my husband suffering depression?Dealing with my husband's depression / alcohol use - getting it off my chestHusband's depression and anxiety getting to meHusband with depression spiralling out of control

Husband with depression

replies: 3

Hi there, So this is my story: I've been married to my husband for five years, we have two young children and a third on the way. He works a very stressful job and is incredibly hard on himself - always feeling like he's not doing enough, despite putting in long, long hours and receiving plenty of positive feedback. We've always been a very loving and affectionate couple, but a few months ago it all started unravelling - he was angry and upset a lot, and even had a short "emotional" affair. When I found out about the affair, he told me how depressed and unhappy he is, and agreed to see a GP who prescribed antidepressants and counselling. We also started marriage counselling. It's been two months of this now, and he's only getting worse - constantly down, feeling like he's no good to anyone, feeling worthless and trying to attribute blame for it. He says it's because he grew up in a family where his dad was physically abusive towards his mum, and also blames me for the fights we used to have at the beginning of our relationship. Last night he said he loves me, but doesn't know if he's "in love" with me anymore - and that he doesn't know what's real and what's the depression talking. My gut feel is that it is the depression (his dad and sister both suffered from it too) and I'm trying to not take things personally and to be as supportive as I possibly can be - without burying my head in the sand and trying to see things how I want to. I don't know how else to help. I'm reading up as much as I can about depression, trying to give him space whilst also letting him know I'm here for him, and trying to stay calm and keep it together for the sake of the kids. Just as he knows he shouldn't be making any life-changing decisions while in this state, I'm trying to do the same - I don't want to let the hurt lead to either of us ending things when there's a chance we can work it out. We have too much to lose with the beautiful family we've worked so hard to build. So my question is... what now? How do I help him while also helping myself? And are there any similar stories out there that have had a positive ending? Living in hope. SIMILAR THREADS Husband with depression My husband's depression is destroying our marriage How do I support my husband suffering depression? Dealing with my husband's depression / alcohol use - getting it off my chest Husband's depression and anxiety getting to me Husband with depression spiralling out of control

I need to seek advice about my daughter's depression

replies: 6

I don't know if there is any help for people who are dealing with a loved ones depression. I don't know what to do now or how to handle the situation. It's not only depression; the person I'm trying to help is phoning/messaging their ex more than 50 times a day and leaving messages at their work etc. I've considered ringing their psychiatrist but don't want to cause problems in case I'm overreacting. The trouble is when you're dealing with this you get used to the behaviour and become blasé about some of the abnormal things that are going on until someone else comes along and says that we need to intervene; that the behaviour is completely irrational and crazy. Where can I get some advice? Would I go to a psychologist myself?

Frustrated and drifting away

replies: 1

Hi everyone,I have been with my partner for 8 years and we have two boys, 5 & 2. I have always been aware of my partners sadness and he has a very full-on past. He has always been distant and quiet in the relationship but has proven and I know he loves me a lot. He is so strong and a very good and genuine person. In the last year, we have swapped roles and I am working and he is home. Since then, things have become worse (I think because he's not working, it's finally all caught up to him). He has admitted he has severe depression but he flat out refuses to see a councillor or take medication. He has bought a self-help book that was highly recommended and he feels it really resonates with him and it does seem to be helping. I'm so glad he's getting help and has acknowledged he is depressed. He said he does not feel like harming himself and I believe him but do look out for signs. I wish he would get better help. He reached out many years ago to a councillor and had a bad experience. He doesn't want to talk about his past, he just wants the memories to stop hurting. i just feel sohelpless because he is so stubborn. He really blocks me out when I try to talk to him and everything I say gets really misinterpreted. Everything I do say sounds so corny anyway because I' m terrified of him giving me the cold shoulder. I feel like I'm stuck in a loveless relationship and I feel miserable. I feel so frustrated because if he let me, I would gladly be his rock. Over the years, I feel he has been selfish and treated me unfairly. When I was very miserable a few years ago, I would try to talk to him but he was never very interested or took me seriously. So deep down, I also feel mad. I always feel really frustrated and our moods affect each other immensely. I just feel lost. I'm drifting away from the relationship but I don't want to. I want to help but he won't let me. He's a great guy but he can be bitter and angers easily- mostly towards others. He doesn't laugh much my work takes me away about 4 nights a fortnight and I am thinking about resuming full time study to also be at home more. I feel like I need to come home and take control. I feel so useless and very very sad! Do I need to just grow a pair and be a bit more forceful or do I just hang in there and let him navigate his own way? I want to help but I feel so drained and stretched thin by it all. any helpful words or advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks in advance RELATED THREADSTips for caring for a loved oneLoving someone who is depressed but has pushed me away, what do I do?Living with the blame for a partner's illnessHusband refusing to seek helpLiving with a depressed partner for 10 yearsIf you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

I don' t know what to do with my partner...

replies: 2

I'll try and keep this short but this year I moved out for the first time with my boyfriend into a shared house with three others, out of the five of us four of us work at the same place. Through out the year it's been hard dealing with my anxiety and my partners anger outbursts, we're both seeking professional help though I feel like my partner is ignoring his therapists advice and using a lot more of it ax an excuse to get angry. I've tried so much to help him and I always bounce back after a fighting to give him the support and comfort he needs but it's getting harder to support him when is rather shout at him and his outburst are scary when he throws stuff, I' m scared of him hurting himself or someone as he says he isn't suicidal but engages in reckless activities that can harm him I'm not sure if I should reconsider living or working with him at this point... Sorry if this is rushed I'm typing it up at work...RELATED THREADSTips for caring for a loved oneLoving someone who is depressed but has pushed me away, what do I do?Living with the blame for a partner's illnessHusband refusing to seek helpLiving with a depressed partner for 10 yearsIf you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

How to help when you can't talk about it

replies: 2

My gorgeous boyfriend sent me a message that confirmed my worries. He has approached me a couple of times before about needing help but it's hard for him to admit that he's not okay. I have major depression and take various medications including a mood stabiliser. Here's what he wrote: I'm sorry I've been how I've been the last few weeks. I don't know what it is or even how to describe it. I know I need to do things like clean up inside and outside, do the rest of my presentation, do more resumes, be nicer and more loving to you. I have a list a mile long of things I need to service on my car, there's parts there too but I don't do it. I just feel blah, there's no other way to describe it, there's no motivation to do anything [...] I feel bad but I can't reverse the situation [ ... ] because I have no income. I'm not living I'm just existing, and barely at that. I don't know how to motivate myself to get things done, I have poor time management, I don't know how to fix it. You've been so good to me and I don't deserve it. ive let him know how much me means to me, we've been through so much and we will be together for the rest of our lives, but I'm worried about him. Being a boy, he is reluctant to see a GP about it. I've put him onto mindfulness training and done my best to help him with as much as I can, but it's not touching the root of his problems. He is an amazing man who helps anyone and everyone with whatever needs doing. He doesn't realise how smart and professional he is, he definitely sells himself short which is a self esteem issue. His current lack of employment is really draining him, my Centrelink payments have ended as I've finished a bachelors degree and I pay half of the bills his mum makes him pay as a punishment for not finishing uni yet when his younger sister already has a job in mining. I really need a hand with the topic of depression and unemployment and in young men. I Can't stand to see this incredible individual thinking he's useless and getting by on just existing.

I wish I could make him talk!

replies: 4

I have been with my husband for 4 years now and he has been through a lot in his life, with the loss of his father to a suicide and loss of his mother to cancer when he was only 13 and the lives with friends from place to place and using all types of drugs. He later met a girl and had children with her but they lost their children to the Department of Community Services. While their children where in the states care he also lost his girlfriend in a car accident where he was in a car behind them at the time and seen it all being the first on the scene. He again hit low points and contemplated suicide and used multiple drugs, that's when I stepped in and started living with him to help get his life on track again. Today you wouldn't even recognise him! He is healthy, working, not using drugs and has a hole new personality all together! He honestly is a lucky man to still be here after all he has been through, but he still has his down moments. Cries and gets real low, doesn't like himself and feels like nobody likes him, he has some friends but never wants to hang out with them. He is very clingy to me and demanding of all my time. I want him to talk to someone as he never has ever! I just wish I could make him go see someone and experience what it's like talking it out with someone that can help him, but he refuses everytime I ask him too. I myself am a community care nurse and have previously studied mental health and community services, I can understand him and where he is at because of this training and everyday experience I have with individuals in similar circumstances. If only we could trade places for a day so I can help him! I am the stronger minded one out of us and wish I could somehow I fluence him to seek help! Men and their pride aye!

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Relationship with Aspergers! Advice? replies: 1

Feeling let down replies: 2

Being pushed away replies: 7

Husband potentially has Depression but won't acknowledge it replies: 2

Husband with depression replies: 3

I need to seek advice about my daughter's depression replies: 6

Frustrated and drifting away replies: 1

I don' t know what to do with my partner... replies: 2

How to help when you can't talk about it replies: 2

I wish I could make him talk! replies: 4