How to cope when no practical help is available or accessible?

[NonnyMouse]

Hi, first time poster here. You know those cliff climbers who are all tethered together in case one falls? I feel like the one at the top and everyone below me has lost their footing, so I'm carrying the weight of everyone's mental health struggles and I can't let go or we'll all fall. 

I have three kids raging from teen to adult and each one has a different presentation of neurodivergence. Between them they are cycling between anxiety, PTSD, depression, self harm, suicidal ideation, school refusal. Two have health issues on top of that. Each day I'm on edge waiting for the next crisis, trying to keep them alive, be their therapist, help them meet their basic needs when everything else is too hard. None of them has had success with medication or therapy (one refuses, one has treatment resistant depression and gets bad side effects to most medications, and the other gets regular therapy but it doesn't seem to be helping).

I have my own issues as well (health related) but I am stuck in survival mode dealing with one crisis after another and I have dropped all friends and social activities because my mind has no space for it, I pretty much do nothing except go to work and come home. 

School and doctors have said "have you tried calling XYX place for support?" but all that seems to be on offer is handholding and sympathy, which doesn't help me feel any less overwhelmed. 

Can anyone relate? I'd love to hear what has helped you. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi NonnyMouse

Hello and welcome to the forum.

I’m sorry that you have so much to deal with caring for your three children and trying to meet all of their individual needs. You must feel as though you’re being pulled in a million different directions, and I honour your efforts to do your very best for each of them.
I can relate to everything you have said, as I am the person who meets the emotional needs of everyone in our family (including a child with a chronic mental health condition) whilst living with a chronic medical condition myself.

It is exhausting. There have been days that I have wished that I could run away. Times when I have became despondent.

There is no magic solution but there are some things you can do that might be helpful.

Number one is to look after yourself because if you go down the entire ship goes down. Prioritise your health, eat properly, get enough rest, get some physical exercise. I know you will think there is no time (I did) but I encourage you to make the time. Outsource everything you can (eg cleaning, lawns, etc) and cut corners where you can (eg online grocery shopping, fast/easy meals). If there’s a possibility of reducing your work hours, give it some thought.

I have found that it really helps to make some time for yourself each day to do something you enjoy. I know you may feel this is impossible (I did) but I encourage you to try. Initially the only time I could find was at night when everyone was in bed, so I would just make a cup of tea and watch the night sky, which I found relaxing.
Find what works for you. Block off half an hour and just do it—leave the house for a walk, reconnect with an old friend, take a bath, read—whatever will bring you some enjoyment. You will feel refreshed and more able to face the next challenge.

You could also find some psychological support for yourself. I have engaged the services of a counsellor (a mental health nurse) and a psychologist from time-to-time. Not only does it help to vent but a professional can also give you advice/coaching on how to help your children in real time.

You haven’t mentioned the children’s father, any chance he can pick up more of the responsibility? 
I will be here to listen and chat if it helps.

Kind thoughts to you