Hi Aymee
I feel for you so much as you face such challenging and uncertain times. I can't help but especially feel for your partner and wonder whether he knows anyone in his life who can relate to some of the challenges on both spectrums (autism and ADHD). When there's no one who we can relate to or who can relate to the challenges we face, whatever they may be, it can definitely feel incredibly lonely and even depressing.
Whether there are autism factors involved, ADHD factors or even AuDHD factors, the challenges can be many as I'm sure you know. In some cases two of the biggest challenges for some can involve increased sensitivity to 1)feeling and 2)internal dialogue. If these are two of your partner's greatest challenges then the alcohol and cannabis use makes sense, as they tend to turn the 'volume' down on such sensitivity. Of course, self medicating in such ways can create far more problems than they may seem to solve, especially for loved ones.
I'm not sure if it will be of any help to know but as a mum who has open and honest conversations with my kids, I find this makes a difference to them. My 23yo daughter's been diagnosed with ADHD and my 20yo son's diagnosed with level 1 autism. While I can relate to some of their challenges myself, the main reason for the open conversations involved a history of depression for me personally. Btw, in my earlier years with depression, there was a history of self medicating with alcohol. Speaking openly about depressing or potentially depressing factors that can pose many challenges in life can be liberating in a lot of ways. For example, wondering about and questioning the inner dialogue someone faces, instead of saying to them 'Don't think that, that's terrible' is inviting a chance to explore and shed light on it (how the dialogue sounds, how it feels, where it's coming from, how brutal it can be etc). It can be an enormous relief when people invite us to open up instead of shutting down or dismissing what can be uncomfortable to hear. May sound strange but for a lot of sensitive people they don't think the dialogue up, it seemingly comes to them.
Beyond your partner's diagnosis, when he finally receives one, perhaps it's worth considering who he knows or who you know that faces similar challenges to him. If he's not the type to want to speak to a mental health professional or a GP, do you think he'd be the type to sit down in casual conversation with someone about the challenges he and they can relate to? He might even find some people on the forums here who can relate to a variety of his challenges, including the deeply depressing ones. Even if you suggest he comes to the forums here out of curiosity, just for a start. He doesn't have to post anything.
With you being a carer of sorts for your partner, I feel the need to ask 'Who's taking care of you?'. Another way of looking at this is 'Who's raising you through these challenges while you're trying to raise others, including your beautiful child?' ❤️
