How do you support a partner with severe anxiety, depression and a chronic illness?

[jem05]

This is my first time posting here. 

My boyfriend of two years has been having really severe breakdowns over the past few days and I'm just getting so exhausted. I'm exhausted because I'm doing my best to support him but there's only so much I can do.

 Last week he missed out on a job interview. He's currently unemployed. He had to drop out of uni last year because of his anxiety impeding on his ability to complete assignments which would trigger his Crohn's Disease. He's gained a lot of weight. He wants to lose it but it's hard because having Crohn's disease means an inflexible and limited diet. We recently joined the gym together with a personal trainer but everytime we discuss it, he gets upset at how "fat and ugly" he is and that he will never lose weight. He wants to be active but having a chronic illness means being easily fatigued. 

He keeps calling himself worthless, that he "sucks" and that he's not worthy to have someone like me. He cries as he wants me to be there for him, to hold him and support him but scared that I secretly want to leave him because he thinks he's too difficult to manage. He thinks back to all the times of friends and family (his father left him when he was a teenager) leaving him or no longer speaking to him because he's so "difficult".

Today he wanted to commit suicide. Waking up from a very deep sleep (woke up at 5pm), he started crying because it meant being late to a meet up that we had organised that evening, at how messed up his sleeping patterns were, asking why can't he be a normal person, and again saying that "you deserve better".

Hearing him and seeing him like this is breaking my heart to the point that I am in physical pain. I am so beyond upset. That someone I love is feeling this way. I feel I cannot help.

I want him to seek help (whether it be through professional means or with other friends) but at times he interprets it as I'm pushing him away and that it's too much for me to handle.

He has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression since he was a teenager. I knew of this prior to us being in a relationship. He is currently taking antidepressants and is seeing a psychiatrist once a month. I feel this is not enough. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I've always wanted to talk to friends about this but I'm afraid they will tell me to leave him. I don't want to leave him but I feel like I'm suffering too. I know I cannot force him to do anything but I cannot just sit and do nothing. 

[Chris_B]

Hi jem05,

In addition to the great advice above from our community, you might want to take a read through the beyondblue guide for carers (link below). It has a section specifically around what to do when a loved one is refusing to seek help.

Also, have you tried speaking with Crohn's & Colitis Australia? They're a great organisation, with a helpline, forums and resources of their own. There must be others out there going through this situation right now and I'm sure they'll have some pointers for you as well.

[jem05]

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

I contacted the BB helpline who gave me some useful advice.

My partner had another breakdown again this morning and I suggested that he needs more help than seeing his psychiatrist once a month. He agreed with this. I have begun to realise that these breakdowns are becoming more frequent and it's worrying me so much. He hadn't slept at all last night (which is becoming a lot common for him in these past few months) which I get concerned about because his sleep cycles are now so out of sync. The reason for this breakdown was that he is experiencing a lot of stress and is having difficulty getting tasks done. I suggested to just get one of these tasks done (not all) and that can be his accomplishment for the day.

I do plan on seeing my GP but only on the weekend as that will be my only available time to see her.

My partner and I are actually co-facilitators for a Crohn's and Colitis support group. But there have been times when my partner cannot or does not want to attend because he would be experiencing a depressive episode. This upsets me sometimes but I cannot feel that way because sometimes it just happens.

In terms of coping strategies, I feel like I haven't really figured out what to properly do in these situations. I go to the gym to get my mind off it and I may play some video games, but I feel it isn't enough. I do have a few friends who are briefly aware of what I'm going through but I feel like I would be burdening them if I were to continue talking to them about it.

[Doolhof]

Hi Jem05,

I have just returned to your post and it seems like life is getting a little tough for you both. Without going back and re-reading through all that is written here, is it possible for your boyfriend to have some time out in hospital to get the help and assistance he needs right now?

I agree with you that it sounds like he needs to see his psych more than once a month.

Did you manage to see your Dr on the weekend? What suggestions and strategies were made to help you and each other?

When you are really stuck for coping ideas, you could phone some of the help lines and people there will have suggestions and idea you can follow up.

Hope some of this is helpful.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[JessF]

Hello Jem, you know it does make sense that your husband might not want to attend the group you run because as a co-facilitator, he probably feels that he is supposed to be a tower of strength for other people.

Have you ever discussed depression as an issue at your group? Discuss this with your husband first, of course, but you can't be the only ones going through this. You might uncover a whole new stream of support by bringing it out into the open.

[Carmela]

Hi Jem,  our journeys are similar and l felt compelled to reach you. I have been married to my husband for 13 years. He has depression and it has been with us for as long as l can remember. He has experienced a number of severe depressive episodes over the years lasting up to 4 months. He too suffers from a chronic illness that he struggles with daily. (It is not Crohns).

I maintained an active lifestyle to ensure the health of my own mind, but there are 2 things that really helped me - 

1) I reached out to friends and not all were respective at first but l soon learnt who would listen to me when l needed an ear.  This is important as you can't do this alone. The hopelessness and loneliness can be overwhelming and you need as much help as your husband does during his episodes.  Reach out Jem05 - It is OK to do so. 

2) I learnt all l could about depression. Learning about depression is integral to truly understanding your partner’s journey. It will arm you with the knowledge to understand to some degree his experiences and what are the options. 

I would be happy for you to contact me to talk one on one offline.  However, l am not sure if this forum allows for it. If it does, check back on this thread and l would be happy to send you my email address. 

Jem, may your always feel loved and see your light.

Sincerely, Your Comrade in a shared struggle.