Trying to help my partner overcome "spot" depression

[Oilucy]

My partner was married for 24 years and separated from his wife almost 2 years ago after she left him for a fling with a younger guy (which, incidentally didn't work out - she was doing the chasing but in the end the younger guy wasn't interested). 

Anyway, to back track a little, my partner suffered from depression for a number of years up until they separated as they had a very ordinary relationship that was kept together by the fact they had 4 children. He was on anti-depressants for about 4 years I think.

We met each other 7 months ago and are madly in love - neither of us have ever felt so happy before in our lives and are inseparable. We don't live together but whatever time we do spend together is quality time talking and enjoying each others company. Life for both of us couldnt get better in this regard. 

As soon as we met he told me he stopped taking anti depressants as he said there was no need for them he was that happy.

The reason I am posting here for some help however, is that over these 7 months of our relationship he has had a handful of 'down' days which occur maybe once a month. They come out of the blue and he will suddenly get paranoid that I am going to have an affair behind his back so he becomes really really sad, withdrawn etc. He agrees that he has no reason to think this will happen (I am completely 1000% devoted to him and would quite honestly never do such a thing - I love him more than I have loved anyone before in my life and I am/we are just incredibly happy) but I suspect his past history isn't helping. He tells me when he has these bad days that he just loves me so much and is just so scared I will find someone younger (he is 51 and I am 41) and that I will have an affair behind his back. When we discuss the fact that I have never done anything to give him reason to doubt me being faithfully he says "I know and I agree but I just don't trust anyone and cant help but worry that you will find someone else". 

He has a very low self esteem and I would love to help build that if I can. He is the most wonderful, genuine, caring man. He is attractive and confident but inside he still suffers from depression from time to time.

I even had his name tattooed across my back to show my commitment to him (I hate tattoos!!).

Can anyone offer any ways I can help him please??

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Oilucy,

Congratulations on finding Mr Right.

I understand his fears, being on the sucker end of a cheating partner stings and shatters trust, so he may never really be able to bury that completely but it sounds like a hiccup in your relationship, not a wedge.

I am concerned that he went off his medication without medical supervision. Many people are weaned off medication but there need to be good reasons for starting or stopping any medications. I would urge him to see a GP or the prescribing doctor about his desisting and discuss his motivations with that person. I think it is manageable but not without proper medical support.

Kind regards, John.

[Ata]

Hi,

I just don't know how to start a new thread.

My husband is unwell and has been since we had our son 14 weeks ago. He has withdrawn from myself and his friends. He is always tired, he doesn't laugh or tell jokes anymore. At social gathering he will sit by himself and not talk to anyone. He comes home and escapes on his iPad. I don't know what to do. He thinks he is not unwell and this is what it is like when you have a new born. I think he really needs help. He doesn't appreciate me anymore and thinks I am always having a go at him when I am trying to help him.

Any advice? How do you help someone who doesn't think they have a problem and doesn't think they need help?

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Ata,

Welcome to beyondblue.

You have raised a very common secondary problem that accompanies many issues people post about: the unwillingness of someone in the person's life to seek help.

In essence, you can only provide effective support to someone if they are doing their bit. You cannot do it for them. The number of people that have posted that they have spent months and years trying to get a loved one to even just see a GP and change some of the behaviours that led to where they are is amazing.

You have two choices, really, insist (and I mean really insist) that your husband see his GP (with you present) as it is destroying your relationship or choose to be one of the people that is providing support to someone that does not want it and cannot benefit from it.

If you send your husband to the doctor alone, he will come back and tell you the doctor said he is fine, anything but that he needs help. You can be proactive and demand that your relationship is based on both of you being happy in it or working towards that, or you can spiral down into the world of being in a relationship that is slipping for as long as you can stand it. (And some people stand it for years and years!)

You have a newborn baby whose future is more important than anything, and if you cannot convince your husband that you need no other reason to address his recent changes that the baby, where do you see your future?

You have asked for advice. I am happy to keep supporting you and encouraging you, but I can only tell you commonsense advice, not something that is easy to hear but unrealistic.

Kind regards, John.