How do you support a partner with severe anxiety, depression and a chronic illness?

[jem05]

This is my first time posting here. 

My boyfriend of two years has been having really severe breakdowns over the past few days and I'm just getting so exhausted. I'm exhausted because I'm doing my best to support him but there's only so much I can do.

 Last week he missed out on a job interview. He's currently unemployed. He had to drop out of uni last year because of his anxiety impeding on his ability to complete assignments which would trigger his Crohn's Disease. He's gained a lot of weight. He wants to lose it but it's hard because having Crohn's disease means an inflexible and limited diet. We recently joined the gym together with a personal trainer but everytime we discuss it, he gets upset at how "fat and ugly" he is and that he will never lose weight. He wants to be active but having a chronic illness means being easily fatigued. 

He keeps calling himself worthless, that he "sucks" and that he's not worthy to have someone like me. He cries as he wants me to be there for him, to hold him and support him but scared that I secretly want to leave him because he thinks he's too difficult to manage. He thinks back to all the times of friends and family (his father left him when he was a teenager) leaving him or no longer speaking to him because he's so "difficult".

Today he wanted to commit suicide. Waking up from a very deep sleep (woke up at 5pm), he started crying because it meant being late to a meet up that we had organised that evening, at how messed up his sleeping patterns were, asking why can't he be a normal person, and again saying that "you deserve better".

Hearing him and seeing him like this is breaking my heart to the point that I am in physical pain. I am so beyond upset. That someone I love is feeling this way. I feel I cannot help.

I want him to seek help (whether it be through professional means or with other friends) but at times he interprets it as I'm pushing him away and that it's too much for me to handle.

He has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression since he was a teenager. I knew of this prior to us being in a relationship. He is currently taking antidepressants and is seeing a psychiatrist once a month. I feel this is not enough. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I've always wanted to talk to friends about this but I'm afraid they will tell me to leave him. I don't want to leave him but I feel like I'm suffering too. I know I cannot force him to do anything but I cannot just sit and do nothing. 

[CrashCoyote]

Hi jem05,

You are in a very difficult position and I understand why you want to help as much as you can.

Forgive my ignorance but I thought Crohn's disease symptoms included weight loss and that keeping mass on is difficult for sufferers. No? I have just skimmed through some web pages on it that speak of low impact exercise like walking being something that does not make the symptoms worse. I guess you've read that stuff.

There are online support groups that specialise in helping people with this and like disorders. IBD Support Australia is one.

The psychiatrist is obviously providing some support but you may be right, he may need more, particularly with the talk of self harm. He can talk to people on the 1300 number here, so can you. Or the chat room.

I know you are trying to be supportive and that is admirable. I understand that he is really struggling. I would urge you to put yourself first. If your emotional health deteriorates because of your relationship with him, your ability to provide support will diminish, too.

I am not suggesting you dump him. I am suggesting you come up with a plan that will allow you to manage your feelings better and be strong enough to do what is best for you, whatever that is.

Will you please consider calling the 1300 number? Maybe also ask him what does he want? If he wants you in his life, what can he do to be a partner to you? Will he commit to a half hour walk with you every day, no matter how tired he is? I don't know, I'm just suggesting things.

Kind regards, John.

[jem05]

Hi John,

In regards to his Crohn's, it has reached the point that he is now with a colostomy bag. It has also reached the point that he needs to have surgery to have his rectum removed because the muscles in that area are no longer functioning if the colostomy was to reverse. Hearing this news broke both our hearts. On the day he found it, this did trigger an emotional breakdown in him.

The weight gain has been from certain medications following a month long stay in hospital last year and it has gradually increased since then. So it indeed is an interesting case that he as a person with Crohn's has gained weight when most people with this illness experience the opposite. I guess this could be because he also experiences anxiety and depression on top of this illness and needs to take additional medications?

Thank you for your advice and support. My boyfriend however has been skeptical of certain supports because they were not helpful to him in the past so it has been difficult to think of what else would be good for him.

[CrashCoyote]

And about your own emotional health?

[CrashCoyote]

Hi jem05,

I just wanted to check in and see if you are okay.

Kind regards, John.

[jem05]

Hi John,

I'm doing okay at the moment. My partner is still having his breakdowns but these are always usually triggered by certain situations, such as social events. To give an example, being asked 'so what do you do/what are you up to' upsets him because he is still just trying to get by. Still not at uni, still unemployed, he sees it as feeling worthless and stupid because he's not doing things that a 'typical 20-something' should be doing. 

I have tried to help him look for work but he says he finds it too difficult, or the areas he wants to work in are not looking. I have tried encouraging him to be open but he appears hesitant. 

He also started going to the gym to address his weight but also experienced breakdowns because of his current body image and his anxiety escalates at the thought of going to gym and has therefore stopped. 

I'm starting a new full-time job this week and I know I cannot always be there for him. I get exhausted when he cries to me and tells me over and over again that he is 'worthless'. He saw his psychiatrist last month and recommended a crisis plan for him to take whenever he experiences a severe breakdown. But I feel he hasn't done this since she told him and therefore I am worried that if he does have a severe breakdown, he won't know what to do because his depressive thoughts will cloud his judgement and rational thinking.

I have suggested him to talk to helplines but he thinks they don't work. I have suggested so many things but there is only so much I can suggest because it's ultimately up to him. It's so hard when he tells me he constantly needs support because he doesn't have it (living with his mum who has schizophrenia and friends who no longer talk to him because he is a 'burden').

I'm sorry this got so long. I feel like I am complaining, whinging or being selfish and I don't know who to turn to sometimes. I feel like I am afraid of going to my GP for fear they won't understand, and so I'm left feeling unsure and confused and alone. 

I love my partner very much and I hate seeing him like this. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Jem

I have read your posts and John's replies and I am most concerned about you and your partner. This is a situation that feels like a time bomb waiting to go off. Your partner may be unwilling to phone the BB helpline but there is nothing stopping you from phoning. Would you please contact Beyond Blue ASAP. The number is 1300 22 4636.

It is important that you get help and support before you collapse under the weight of your partner's difficulties. Please make an appointment with your GP also. Doctors are very good at listening and if you find one that does not listen then go elsewhere. Your doctor has heard many stories so yours will not shock him/her or cause any disbelief. Why should you be lying?

First priority is your health. You cannot help anyone if you are unwell. You want to stay with your partner because you love him. Fantastic! So now put yourself in the best position to do that.

When I was severely depressed both my daughters phoned my psychiatrist to see what they could do to help me. The psych cannot discuss your partner's condition with you but you can tell her your concerns especially about his desire to self harm. This is important information that his psych needs to know.

You say he has not written an emergency plan, so how about helping him to write one? Include the BB phone and Lifeline 13 11 14. Also get the number of your local mental health emergency team. Your local hospital will know this or your GP. Put this info on the plan under who to call.

Add some activities he can do when he feels very upset. Going to the gym is good but costs money so find things that are cheap or free. e.g. going for a walk, going to the local coffee place and sitting with a coffe, preferably outside to get fresh air and watch the passing parade. Take a coffe to the local park and watch the passers-by. TV and books are not good options as they have no physical action and requre concentration.

What about doing some gardening? Do you have a garden? Get some pots and plants and get him to set up a small area. Plant herbs if you use them, or tomatoes because these have tangible results and will give him a feeling of satisfaction.

These are just a few suggestions. There are no doubt others you can think of which he may be willing to try. Can he join a meditation group? These are actions he can turn to when life gets sticky and will help to keep him safe.

I hope you will reply soon with your comments on my suggestions.

Warm regards

Mary

[Doolhof]

Hi Jem,

You have received some great advice and suggestions here already from John and White Rose.

You mentioned you are about to begin a new full time job. Adding that to the mix may be difficult for you both, so have you thought of some coping strategies for yourself?

Is it possible for you to make a Drs appointment for both you and your partner to discuss how you are both feeling at this time?

Would your partner consider another stay in hospital to help with his emotional needs right now?

Do you have at least one friend whom you feel you can share your concerns with?

Contacting the phone help lines for yourself is a great idea, or the webchat that is available at Beyond Blue. I have used both services and have been very thankful they are available.

Walking is a great exercise. Start off small and then slowly build up.

If your partner returns to the gym, can you ask the staff if they can support him and encourage him? I have recently started up at a swimming/fitness centre just to use the pool and I have been receiving encouraging emails from the staff there with offers to talk to anyone there for advice on my fitness and if I need support.

It is wonderful you have reached out here for help and advice, and for a listening ear. Make the use of all the help that is offered and try the phone lines for yourself.

Hope some of this helps! Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Jem, I understand and appreciate the situation and the illness that your boyfriend has to suffer from, and the help by supporting him that you are doing, but this week you start your new job, so you both enter a new phase, in that you won't be there to help him, and I know that you love him, but we all need money to survive.

This is where your boyfriend will have to seek help, because your not there, so you have to convince him, no matter how much he doesn't want to, that he has go and see his doctor, and I know that you say he feels as though they won't help him, that's what I said, because I was in denial.

He has Crohn's which I am so sorry for him, but with this terrible disease he has depression and until he gets help with this then he won't be able to cope, because it's making everything worse.

At the moment he's in a catch-22 situation, and just seems to be going around in circles, because he doesn't want professional help, so he has to be convinced to give it a go, he maybe surprised at the response he gets, and by saying all of this I mean no harm to either of you, I just want to get the ball rolling for you both, and until this happens the help he needs won't begin. L Geoff. x

[Pixie15]

Hi jem05,

I think Geoff is right and you may find yourself coming under pressure this week when you are starting a new job. You do not want your boyfriend's emotional problems to undermine this opportunity.

Much as we all want your boyfriend to get help and he really seems to have had a terrible time with his health both mental and physical. There is only so much you can do if he is refusing to do what his psychiatrist has suggested.

You seem to be a very kind and caring person and that generally would be a good thing however in this case your trying to do too much to sooth your partners distress may be stopping him from taking the steps he needs for his own health. 

I know it is hard to watch someone you love suffer but you need to look after yourself. Your boyfriend will not be able to look after your interests and if you need to say to him that you care for him but you can not deal with his stuff right now. That is okay.

Grateful.