How do I help someone who cant seem to even try to help themselves?

[handsfull]

Hi... its my first time here and I am at a complete loss as to what to do next with my sister... I have tried various things to help her for years which have helped on the short term but then she has just sunk deeper into her depression...

 Various reasons and causes for her depression as there usually is - and as much as she says everything she knows we want to hear, it has recently come to light how bad her depression is and she has willingly and gladly allowed her 3 children to have come to stay with me so that she could have some time to deal with things and get some proper professional help so she could start healing properly... 

Now as much as I am well aware this will take time, it has now already been nearly 3 months that I have had the children with me and my own 2 kids, (I have moved them schools and started counselling etc) and yet the only thing she has done is get referrals. She has missed every appoinment, taken herself off her meds, and told me that she doesnt think she is the best thing for her kids - to which I am adamant she is absolutely is, once she is happy and healthy and functioning again... 

She has talked about just up and disappearing without a word, as well as more serious worries... she needs help... but everywhere I turn I am told she has to seek help for herself - but she obviously cant bring herself to do that... she has spent sooooo many years hiding how damaged and broken she is, she cant bring herself to admit it to anyone... she can say the words she thinks I want to hear... but they are empty and very quickly followed by random irrational excuses that she feels justify everything... 

If it is a severe case of depression that is the root of everything then surely there is some way to help her?? I think she needs a live in hostel/refuge/rehab type situation to kickstart her lifestyle and routines etc... she needs someone to answer to (that is the only time she feels safe and secure because she knows what is expected of her etc)... left to her own devices she is just behaving like a 15yr old who switches off when you say anything that doesnt suit her or sticks her headphones in her ears so she can forget the rest of the world exists... it is like a big regression that has slowly worsened over the past 5 years...

...sigh... anyways... i have my hands full... and i dont know what I can do to help her any more than I already have... 

[handsfull]

Thank you to everyone that has replied... all the advice has been wonderful... i hadn't had time to reply until now as wo much has just happened... My mother decided she couldnt handle my sisters behaviour any longer and was going to ask her to leave and go back to Sydney... I went around there for a big chat with my sister... admittedly it didn't go as smoothly as I had intended as I became extremely frustrated at her blankness and lack of emotional response to anything and everything... i did talk to her about being assessed as her behaviour and attitude to life and her health and her children just isnt anywhere within any range you would expect... she has just shut down so far in so many ways... she agreed to be assessed and has volountarily been addmitted into a mental health clinic...

 There are a LOT of things in the background of all of this - and havjng the psych question her on things that none of us ever thought to ask seems to have brought some perspective and ownership to some degree... she even said to me last night that they asked her if she wants to stay for a couple of days - and she thinks she wants to stay a bit longer - just not sure how long right now - she said she doesnt think she is capable of coming out and facing all of the problems just yet... which is a huge thing to actually hear her say - she has never really admitted that she sees much of a problem with her life other than the kids being too much for her...

 As a background info - FACS (DOCS) were called very early on after it was decided the children would stay with me and are very aware of the situation since before I was as it appears... They were not far off intervening on a serious level from what I understand and I am under strict request to notify them if/when the children go back into her care... 

 The children are hurt and angry and confused and conflicted and feeling guilty and embarrassed... they blame themselves for letting out all the things they have - and at the same time you can see they are relieved and much more settled and happy now they arent living with the catastrophe their lives were all becoming... having spoke with their counsellors I have had to accept that the emotional and every day neglect that they suffered was abusive and traumatic and it will be a long road healing for all 3 of them... 

[White_Rose]

Dear Handsfull

Your post is fantastic. This has been a tremendous breakthrough for all of you.  I realise that in some ways this has placed more stress on you and I do hope you are taking care of yourself. I cannot remember if you said you have had some counselling. If not it may be a good idea to get it off your chest, so to speak.

Your sister's children have been through the wringer but hopefully, with this early intervention from counsellors, they will recover.  How are your children coping? This will have affected them as well.

Has your sister made any plans about where she is going to live? It may be a bit too early yet but if your mother is unable to cope with her then she must go somewhere. I suggest she does not live with you. I think she may relapse into depending on you. But this is something your sister needs to talk about with the psychiatrist.

Yes the children always suffer the most. They will need help so that they do not believe it's their fault. Children are so good at taking the blame in these situations so if I may suggest, take every opportunity to reassure them.

I think you are all in for a long period of taking appropriate responsibility and of healing. It seems at this stage that your sister has stepped on to that road with her acknowledgement that there are problems to be faced. I suspect it will be a long road. Remember to rejoice at every milestone and every success and remind each other how far you have all come.

I hope you continue to post here so that we can continue to support you as long as it is needed.

Mary

[Pixie15]

Hi handsfull,

Thank you for the update. It sounds like you have made a little progress with your sister accepting that she is in need of help. At least this gives you all some hope for change.

My heart breaks for the children. I hope your sister comes to appreciate how they have really helped her in speaking out.

cheers,

Grateful.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Handsful

Thank you so much for your latest post, and you are right, a lot has been happening of late and thanx for being able to share it.

Ok, so for now, it is pleasing that your sister has allowed herself to be admitted to a mental health clinic – as for how she is at the moment and has been for some time this would appear to be the best place she could be in.

And yet within all of this, her children are still very much in the headlines;  for what they’ve had to experience and for all that they’ve seen of late as well and as you rightly say, this will take some time for them to get over.

Now, this leaves you and your own children and how you’ll all be in the next little while (possibly an undetermined amount of time) and have you been thinking about ways to get yourself some peace and quiet time, just so your own batteries don’t wear out too quickly?

Neil

[geoff]

dear Handsfull, thanks for giving us some good news, but something has convinced your sister that she is need of help, and I do hope that she does stay there until she feels a bit better, but a bit betteris not really enough, she has to accept what she has and realise that she has 3 children, not saying this it's terrific that she has accepted the fact that she needs some help, and whatever has sparked her is interesting.

First of all your stamina and love for her and the kids has to be admired and congratulated, because it's not an easy task to undertake, but you have to look after yourself, because if and when or even before, that you have to prepare yourself so that you don't fall into a hole yourself, and that's why you have to see your doctor/psych so that they can assist you when it happens.

You have been a major force behind her children, but it's your kids as well which you have had to carry for a long time,and hey, I'm not forgetting about you as well, so please keep in touch with us. L Geoff. x