How do I help my Husband?

[amberj08]

Hi everyone

As I write this my husband is in bed asleep, as he has been for the majority of the last two days. He was diagnosed with depression years ago and has been medicated since. He's now on some pretty heavy meds, but the problem is he tries something, it works for a while, then stops working. He then gets so despondent, and, because he's so depressed, can't muster any enthusiasm to try something new. 

Last night he told me I should divorce him so he can go and commit suicide, that he didn't want to be alive any more. It's not the first time he's said something like this. 

He's been referred to a psychiatrist, but now feels like she's not worth seeing and won't go back. I suggested seeing a different GP but he just asked me 'what do you expect from a GP?' and told me to let him sleep. 

To make matters worse, I'm due to travel overseas for a month from next Friday, and I'm terrified of leaving him alone. 

He tells me he feels guilty for 'ruining my life' - I don't know how to respond to that, because the truth is that his illness is stopping us from doing so much, including having children. 

I know the cruel irony of depression is that you don't want to help yourself, that you don't have the motivation to get out of bed, let alone anything else. 

I don't know what to do?

[Vera55]

Hello dear Amber. What a difficult situation for both of you.

having the illness is bad enough but seeing someone you love and care for succumb to its horrible ways is equally hard. There are two main things I would like to comment on. My fellow esteemed responders will also tease out some of the things you raised here. 

NEVER make the ill person feel like they are not trying hard enough to get themselves better. Having the illness alone triggers an avalanche of shame and guilt. Having those around you hint that if you only tried harder you can beat it, is misguided and wrong. Don't offer suggestions etc. the brain can't cope with extra input.

I can only talk from my own experience, and the best relationships I find are those that are open to listening, kind responses, engagement with things I say and so on. The people who say- have you tried this or that are very annoying because even the experts don't have the answers, nor do we who hold PhDs in this disease.

you also have to live your own life. Nothing takes off more pressure in a relationship than the knowledge that you are not the cause of the other persons pain.

Before you leave mobilize all the services and supports around you and your ill partner. I would talk to his gp myself, I would ring his psychiatrist and seek their opinion. You have every right to do these things.

hope you come back here and let us know how you and your partner are getting on. Kind regards Vera

[joanne68]

Hi Amber

I hope that your husband is feeling slightly better since you posted this. I am hearing that you are feeling at a loss of what to do, especially since you have to go overseas.

Like Vera mentioned that mobilizing all services around you to support your husband is a fantastic idea, as he is talking suicide and I understand that it is really scary when a love one talks like this, don't hesitate to call the crisis line and get them to come over and assess your husband, that way if they feel he needs to go to hospital they can make that call. They will ask him all the right questions and at least it will put your mind at ease.

I agree with Vera, ring the psychiatrist and seek their opinion or ask your GP to conduct a home visit, these cost quite a bit, but some GP's do come out.  is Sometimes it is about doing what is best for you all regardless of what the person is feeling.

In terms of your self, it is totally normal to have the thoughts that you are experiencing and that is why self care is so important. Do you have a support circle that you can call on to come over and help?

Your doing an amazing job in a really hard situation 

Kind Regards  Joanne  

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