Need some advice please

[chelseajc]

I started seeing my new boyfriend about six weeks ago and for the first month all was great. There were frequent texts and we were talking about the future and me eventually meeting his two kids from a previous relationship. It was a very happy time.

About two weeks ago, I started to notice he was withdrawing from the relationship and I wasn't sure why. I questioned him and he just said he was stressed at work and busy with the kids but he would try to see me soon. Then a week ago he told me via text message that he suffered from depression and that he found it very difficult to talk about. He said he was angry with himself because he had finally found a great girl in me and that he liked me a lot but asked if I would "bear with him" while he overcame this "blip". He said he is getting help but sometimes he goes "into his shell". This was one week ago today.

I texted back to say I was here to support him no matter what and that this didn't change my feelings for him and I cared about him a lot. He didn't reply which is OK because I am not sure exactly how bad things are for him. I checked in again on Sunday with a voicemail and also sent an email on Monday just asking if he was OK. I told him I knew he had difficulty talking so he could just let me know he was OK via email. I have not heard from him.

I was just wondering if anyone could provide any insight into what I should do next? I am confident he is being honest with me about the issues he is currently facing and I know he is going through a tough time but am I wrong for wanting him to just let me know he's OK? I don't expect him to have a full-on conversation with me if he isn't comfortable but I would like to know how he is doing.

I don't want to pressure him into contacting me but given the fact he felt he could tell me about these issues, I thought me might want my support?

Obviously this is a new relationship so unfortunately I am yet to meet his family or any of his friends so I am unable to contact them. I also don't really have any history of dealing with people with depression so I am not sure how much I should be contacting him. I like him a lot and want to help but I can't do that if he won't communicate with me. I think he was being honest when he said he likes me too and I assume he does want to pursue a relationship with me in the future but I am just not sure how to proceed.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[geoff]

dear Chelseajc, this isn't an easy answer to give you, because you don't know any of his family or friends to contact, so it's really a difficult one.

Your not quite sure how bad his depression is or what type he has, so can you guess at all how bad it would to to suddenly change his mood, and has he he ever indicated before that there maybe a problem.

I guess you can try all the emails and texts but if he doesn't return them, then you will have to wait.

Do you know where he lives and what he does for a living or maybe studies.

Look forward to your reply. L Geoff. x

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Chelseajc,

There isn't much info for you to go on so any theories you have are a little shaky. Maybe he is sincere that he likes you but for one third of the time you have known him (which isn't very long, anyway) he hasn't been able to be physically or emotionally available to you.

I have PTSD and sometimes feel like I don't deserve the attention I get from some of the women I have seen and have even dumped perfectly good girls for liking me too much. 

I suppose what I am trying to say is that you need to decide if you want to and are capable of weathering this relationship. I spent six years with a woman who I still think of as the love of my life. The last three were absolutely miserable for us both as her anxiety gradually overtook her feelings for me. I tried literally everything, thinking that I could "fix" it for her. Of course, I couldn't and she (unfortunately) wasn't able to. Well, at least up until the point she told me she couldn't keep seeing me. I'm pretty sure she still hasn't. I got a good look at anxiety close up and it was horrible for her and me. No doubt my PTSD didn't help but, frankly, the only times I was really happy was with her or my kids. The depression got me when she wasn't around.

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to go on a rant, just explaining my experience at trying to maintain a relationship when the other party couldn't focus. My analogy for it is that it is like trying to build a bridge. It has to start from both sides and meet somewhere in the middle. If only one side starts building, it cannot reach the other side before collapsing.

I hope this helps. For what it is worth, I am still able to love her but I am also able to see how that relationship wasn't meeting any of my needs.

Good luck with it.

Regards, John.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi chelseajc,

People on here can only reach out to you. You have to take their hand if you want that.

Kind regards, John.