Worried About My Son

[Ranga-1]

Hello. I have anxiety, but I'm doing this post about my son. He turns 20 in a few weeks. He's showing signs of depression. I have asked him if he's okay, but he says he is. He's withdrawn from study, and although he has a casual job, he doesn't get many shifts. Therefore, he is at home a lot and on his new computer. 

The good thing is that some of his habits have changed - he hasn't touched weed for ages and he drinks very little, if at all. I know he's interacting and chatting with people when he's on the computer - I hear him talking, so I'm relieved he's not isolated.

I'm concerned because some of his routine has changed - he hasn't been practising his drumming, and he is a keen drummer (this could be because of the novelty of his new computer). Also, he rarely showers. He will shower if he's got work etc, but he gets bogged into his computer and forgets to shower. It's not too bad because it's winter, although I'm sure if it were summer, he'd get into the shower! 

I'm concerned about his neglect of everyday hygiene and loss of interesting in his music. How can I help him?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Some of the topics you mentioned are worrisome and some could be your anxiety, let me explain please.

Teenagers or young adults often change interests, this is a process that mirrors searching for what ultimately interests them. I recall I went from many different hobbies right up to 50yo before I settled on one interest. It occurs more to those that havent got a passion, a passion is not a hobby, it is far more intense than a hobby and its one that comes naturally and is often lifelong. Your sons drumming might have bene an interest but not a passion yet he might take it back up again down the track. This "fluidity" of interests comes and goes... he might well burn himself out with the computer also.

The same could be guessed with the weed and drink, he's been there done that and the result (for him) is to move away from that stuff. That's good. But it could also mean his friendships have diminished so the computer takes their place so to speak.

I could suggest you ask him to put an alarm on in his mobile phone every second night to shower, no ifs or buts. After dinner not late as he'll just think in the morning will do. Living with you he has to understand there is regulations to abide by and there is no exception. His focus should be to not upset family members, say that to him.

The positives are that he is home most times, not mingling with the wrong types nor into crime and so forth, remind yourself of that so you can lower your anxiety. 

I have a thread below that could interest you.

Anxiety, how l eliminated it - Beyond Blue Forums - 183873

I hope you are ok and its nice to read about a caring parent.

TonyWK

[Ranga-1]

Thanks. He has worked a shift today and is around at a mate's place. He walked there, so I'm glad he's got some exercise. He loves music, so I was a bit concerned that he hasn't been drumming.

[Ranga-1]

Hi. My 20yo son is showing signs of depression. He is not working at the moment and not doing much by way of job hunting. He has expressed interest in doing online TAFE study, but his dad and I are encouraging him to find some part-time work.

I asked him last night if he was losing confidence in himself and he said he was. How can I support him and assist him? I am thinking of suggesting some volunteer work - this will help him see his worth and it can be rewarding, as well as giving him some transferrable workplace skills. 

He does not drive because of a medical condition. However, he is considering speaking to his neurologist for a certificate declaring him as having been seizure-free for a certain time, and then going for his learner's permit. We are in a rural area with limited public transport options 

I spoke with my own psychologist yesterday and she advised me to continue to be supportive, which I am doing, notwithstanding it gets so frustrating that I want to scream GET A JOB at him. This can be counterproductive because if he CAN'T get work, that's extra pressure. I would like to see him applying at least. 

Any suggestions and stories would be so appreciated for this very worried mum.

[white knight]

Hi,welcome 

I'm 68yo and at 17yo joined the RAAF, at 21yo joined the Victorian prison service and so on. In the past I had a step son and at 20yo he wasn't motivated to get work. "What for" he'd say as his mum would not counter the attitude. However every person is different and rural area, depression are two major issues that would distort any determination.  But I mention this in that I share your frustration. 

Sometimes situation can increase depression.  In my experience boredom, lack of sports, hobbies, interests, difficulty socialising, finances or finding a girlfriend can all play their roll in foiling the potentially good days. Then the snowball has started to roll. The motivation then can only come from him hence where you are now.

Has he got a passion? If he looked for the ideal job what would it be? Due to health issues many jobs are out of contention and one needs a drving license most times.

I'm not a lover of any education course at this point as I've seen many do them at cost and in your case inconvenience only to possibly find hes left in the same situation years later.

Both your suggestion of getting a part time job has the best merit now. There are so many advantages. Once he's settled into one a small amount for fuel should be charged. He needs to accept that nothing comes free and there is an onus on everyone to pay their way- it's life. Bank mum and dad has to end. 

Volunteer work is an activity that will go on his resume. Many depressed people do it. I'm among several community Champions here that all volunteer several hours a week online to help others. Zero pay. I've been doing it for 12 years. Is he in the CFA?

I'd like to talk more, I'm here daily. Reply anytime.

TonyWK 

[Ranga-1]

Hi, there.

He is still not working, but he is looking and has enrolled in an online TAFE course. He also has a girlfriend now. She is working and doing TAFE, so that might motivate him a bit as well.

[white knight]

Well a gf is an important  even crucial development so I'm so glad for him.

He is looking for work and he'll find it so I think you'll be ok.

You're a beaut parent 

TonyWK 

[Ranga-1]

Thank you!

[Ranga-1]

Hi. 

As the title suggests, I am worried about my son again. He's been wearing a hoodie a lot, and as it happens, his hair has matted into a bunch of horrible knots - he has long hair. He had friends over tonight, and his mate's girlfriend helped him with a lot of the detangling. He still has a colossal knot, which I will help with later. They put his hair into a braid and they've all gone bowling. When his mates were in the car and he was putting on his shoes, I asked him how he could have been so neglectful. He told me he had had a depressive episode. I immediately apologised and asked how I could help He said he has been talking to his friends. He is lucky they are so understanding and accepting. They're good kids.

I just texted him to apologise and told him I'm here for him. He said it's okay - he just scored a strike. I guess he knows I'm here for him. 

I can't talk to my husband. He's always sick and he's isolated himself in his shed. I don't care that much about my marriage at the moment, but I care about HIM. 

I am starting an internship again next week, and I'm so scared I can't do it, and now I have these worries on my mind.

My son has also just split with his girlfriend, and I think that might have contributed to the depressive episode he mentioned.

What can I do?

[TrueSeeker]

Hello

I can see how loving and caring person you are and want everyone around you to do well and it takes a bit of toll.

All we can do is our best and I can see that you're doing that. You can't do more than that. Just asking how our loved ones are doing, seeing that they're ok and functioning well is more than enough.

I can see that you're also worrying about your internship. I can understand how uncertainty can be stressful. Do you have relaxation strategies that you could use? I like walking and while doing it focusing on peaceful physical surroundings and trying to clear my head so I can recharge to get strength to deal with things.

I hope that it helped a little bit, please let us know how you're going whenever you feel like it