Helping Mum

[Becando_]

Hi Guys,
I’m here because yesterday my amazing Mum deliberately harmed herself. She has since been treated in hospital and discharged with some input from the mental health team.
She has suffered with amphetamine use for some time, was in a toxic relationship with a narcissist and ice-addict which has been ‘ending’ for the last 2 years, with AVO’s, arrests, warrants etc, she has recently been diagnosed with atrial fibrillation, is struggling financially and told me today that she was assaulted as a child (didn’t want to elaborate except to say she never sought help as a child as she didn't think she would be believed).

I have tried everything from having her stay with me, helping her financially, taking time off work/uni to support her, I call her nearly everyday and have got her started with a psychologist, however she didn’t like her and didn’t think it was helping so left.
She still feels hopeless about the future which scares the crap out of me! And when I try and explain how much I need her, she brushes me off and says ‘Well it’s gonna happen eventually anyway’.
I’m at a loss as to how I can support her anymore and am sure she won’t seek help on her own!

i just want my mum back!! Please help!!

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, Becando. We're so grateful that you have reached out here, we know that it is not an easy thing to do but it is so important that you have. We're really sorry to hear what your mum is going through at the moment, but she sounds very lucky to have someone so caring helping to support her during this difficult time. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about these thoughts and feelings and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.

If you feel up to it, we'd really recommend getting in touch with our Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit on our website www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport for online chat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you some information and advice to help both you and your mum.

You might also be interested in the following Beyond Blue online resources:

"Talking to someone you are worried about" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/have-the-conversation/talking-to-someone-you-are-worried-a...

"Supporting someone" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone

You are not alone here, and we hope that you keep us updated on how you're going whenever you feel ready.


 

[Croix]

Dear Becando~

Its been a few days since you met Sophie_M and I was wondering how things were. Your story is sad, but more than that I think it puts two people in danger - your mum, and yourself.

Your account of your mum is not good, self-harm, is in the throes of trying to beak of with a most harmful man, then the atrial fibrillation, no money. Now she has confided in you she was assaulted as a child and there was nobody to go to.

There is now, there is you.

You have tried every way you can, time, love, finances, getting medical help. Even your own grief if she died or killed herself does not register.

That’s one person. The other is you. To live each day wondering she will be alive, or if further AVOs are breached, or any one on a multitude of problems is going to get worse that day – it is too much for just one person over time, such pressure can take its toll on you too.

It is easy to assume one is an inexhaustible well of strength when wants to help someone you love. It’s not true though. You have limits, beyond which you can become ill, both physically and mentally, as well as take so much out of your life you can no longer study or go down the path you intend.

You control you, you do not control her. For her to be stable with a small ray of hope for future life will take a medical team specializing in childhood trauma and abusive relationships -and that is leaving to one side any drug problems or bad behavior by her ex.

Maybe you can get her to try again but with someone that ‘clicks, which is the most important part.

What you can do, no “maybe’s”, is seek help, firstly by seeing your GP in an extended consultation and saying how you are feeling, get support there for you.

Then get advice from 1800RESPECT on your mother’s situation with her ex.

Then more support from elsewhere. To much to talk about in one post.

May I ask if you are on your own or have somebody to help with your mum - a brother or sister perhaps. Most important is there anyone there for you? If there is now is the time to lean in them, going alone is so hard.

Please come back and talk some more, you are not alone here and we do care.

Croix

[White_Rose]

Dear Becando

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum. I am sorry we have not replied earlier. Posts do not usually go unanswered but this time your post has slipped through. Sophie and Croix have posted to you and I very much hope you will come back and talk to us.

I do admire you for taking care of your mom as much as possible. Croix is right saying you need support so if there is no one near you please look on us as a support. This is a hard time for you and I am certain you want to help mom as much as possible.

I want to tell you a little bit about myself as I can relate to what is happening to your mom. Some years ago my husband and I separated. He did not have as many problems as your mom's partner but he could be a bully. He came from a dysfunctional family where he and his siblings were badly treated by their mom so I think it hardly surprising he had a grudge. Anyway we separated and I fell into a huge depression about a year later.

At first my children did not realise how unwell I had become until I tried to end my life. They did not understand why I did this and in some ways I'm not sure I understood either. All I knew was that I was in pain and I wanted it to stop. In retrospect I know I scared the living daylights out of my children but at the time I could not 'see' their distress. Sometimes the stress of so much hurt blinds you to others. I suspect your mom is in that position.

I think it's great you got mom to see a psychologist and I wonder if it is the cost that stopped her returning or saying it doesn't help. If she has a mental health plan from her GP mom can get ten consultations a year with a psychologist and will get a rebate from Medicare. After those sessions she will have to pay the full amount and it's not cheap. Do you think you can get her to go to a psychiatrist? I know the name can be scary but there is so much going on for your mom and she needs as much help as possible.

The advantages are the fees will always have a Medicare rebate, the doctor can prescribe medication if mom will take it and the doctor may have more understanding of mom's problems. If necessary the doctor can send her to hospital though that is not the first option.

What do you think? Your mom definitely needs help. Going through the public system often means seeing different doctors and I believe this is not helpful. Can you try again? Remember to take care of yourself because you also matter. Please post in again.

Mary