Help with daughter

[Sammy]

Please help 

my daughter is 21 and I have noticed she was slowly withdrawing from me, irritated easily and hence I left her to her boyfriend and friends.

At year 8 she seperated from her dad and lived with me. At year 11 I found a vape and alcohol in her room and I believed when she said it was her friends. I trusted she is not that type. After 4 years now I took her for lunch and connected. She said she did vape but not much now, using weed but not regular, using alcohol whenever with friends and started an SSRI medication. Her dad has bipolar disorder and psychosis.

How should I help. She lives between my house and her boyfriends. He is also using weed now as fun time and noticed he is seemingly restless and anxious compared to few months before. I myself need support and a sensitive person. Finding it hard to cope with these

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You certainly are in a pickle but I cant help but feel its not as bad a situation as it seems. Here's why-

Its likely she is withdrawing from you because she knows her lifestyle hasn't got your approval. Besides, at 21yo she's old enough to make life choices.

Vaping although not recommended is often a stage that age group goes through as is alcohol. I did, a high percentage that age do.

If she's happy with her boyfriend then she's old enough to make that judgement. 

I understand why your concerned, however, I'd suggest you relax and only offer yourself as a guide when needed, a friend whenever she's in your presence and a mother only to pick up the pieces when they break. This is because you do run a high risk of losing her if she feels smothered. That's my greatest concern as Ive witnessed it here on this forum over many years.

This concern takes nothing away from your motherhood which is superb, your so concerned its effecting you adversely when, addictive habits could be forming with her, at her age your power is relegated to an observer or subtle adviser. If you remain at that distance and she senses your love, she'll respond positively one day in thanking you. That makes a softer approach all worth your while.

I dont know how I can help further. Reply anytime.

TonyWK