Help with daughter

[Sammy]

Please help 

my daughter is 21 and I have noticed she was slowly withdrawing from me, irritated easily and hence I left her to her boyfriend and friends.

At year 8 she seperated from her dad and lived with me. At year 11 I found a vape and alcohol in her room and I believed when she said it was her friends. I trusted she is not that type. After 4 years now I took her for lunch and connected. She said she did vape but not much now, using weed but not regular, using alcohol whenever with friends and started an SSRI medication. Her dad has bipolar disorder and psychosis.

How should I help. She lives between my house and her boyfriends. He is also using weed now as fun time and noticed he is seemingly restless and anxious compared to few months before. I myself need support and a sensitive person. Finding it hard to cope with these

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You certainly are in a pickle but I cant help but feel its not as bad a situation as it seems. Here's why-

Its likely she is withdrawing from you because she knows her lifestyle hasn't got your approval. Besides, at 21yo she's old enough to make life choices.

Vaping although not recommended is often a stage that age group goes through as is alcohol. I did, a high percentage that age do.

If she's happy with her boyfriend then she's old enough to make that judgement. 

I understand why your concerned, however, I'd suggest you relax and only offer yourself as a guide when needed, a friend whenever she's in your presence and a mother only to pick up the pieces when they break. This is because you do run a high risk of losing her if she feels smothered. That's my greatest concern as Ive witnessed it here on this forum over many years.

This concern takes nothing away from your motherhood which is superb, your so concerned its effecting you adversely when, addictive habits could be forming with her, at her age your power is relegated to an observer or subtle adviser. If you remain at that distance and she senses your love, she'll respond positively one day in thanking you. That makes a softer approach all worth your while.

I dont know how I can help further. Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Sammy

Your daughter is blessed to have you in her life, someone so loving, caring and sensitive. 

I've found the thing with sensitivity is no one really shows you how to master it until you feel or sense the need to master it in different ways. A few examples

• We may easily sense the need to direct greater love toward our child but may not be able to sense exactly how we need to do it. So, a general sense of the need for love without the particulars or greater detail
• We may easily and intensely sense a hyperactive amount of stress running through out nervous system yet may not be able to gain a detailed sense of how to manage it or vent that hyperactivity. Do we need to cry it out, talk it out, breathe it out or work it out in some other way that serves us and our nervous system. I spoke to someone just the other day who spoke of their stress workout taking place at home on their treadmill. Took them 25kms to work it out
• While we may be sensing someone's need for growth or personal evolution, we may need to gain a sense of how to support them in that growth. Gaining a sense of when to step back, when to step up, when to step in and put a stop to something etc etc can be a hard thing to gain a sense of at times. Knowing what to do can come with experience and some of it can come with an intuitive sense. Sometimes in can involve some honesty, expressing to that person 'I just can't gain a sense of what you really need from me at this time in your life. Can you help by telling me what it is you really need from me, when it comes to how to best serve and support you'

I tend to see sensitivity as an ability (the ability to sense) rather than a curse. It typically feels like a curse when not knowing how the heck to best manage it or better understand it. 

If your daughter is also a bit of a sensitive, chances are she's also trying to work out how to better understand and master her ability to feel so much. Perhaps leading her to wonder about things like 'What gives you a natural sense of joy? What offers you a natural sense of excitement? What leads you to naturally feel inspiration? What leads you to naturally feel relaxed?' etc, can bring into question whether she relies on substances to gain a sense of these feelings. How do gain a sense of these feelings naturally, without substances like alcohol, dope etc, may lead her to really start wondering. Maybe you can wonder together in your next lunch meeting. Maybe she can help you gain a sense of how you can experience more of these feelings in your life. My 23yo daughter comes up with some great suggestions for me on occasion. Sometimes our kids can end up being brilliant guides for us.❤️