Help needed

[Unsure77]

Hi

i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

[Guest9337]

U77. Break up all those sentences and have a think/feel about them. Deconstruction it's called.

Note the ingrained perception of lack of honesty, is that one of your deal breakers, or was that mine merely suggested?

[Unsure77]

Now she is pissed at me because I haven't told any of my family or friends that I want her back saying she isn't going to be my dirty secret.

[Unsure77]

Well I got my surely this morning dng she said she loves me but I can have her she will never trust me. She had a panic attack last night when I dozed off and didn't answer her text straight away and she doesn't want to feel that way any more.

I am heart broken

[Here2Talk]

Unsure,

Not sure if this forum allows YT links but hearing this talk of game theory reminded me of a relevant thing that clinical psychologist Jordan Peterson said, that you can never win in an argument in an intimate relationship- if you win, your partner loses... and for someone you care about, you never want them to lose, period....

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mvqhSTcwIOs

I understand that things are rocky and very uncertain for you at the moment, but if a relationship is a true reciprocal relationship (which many in this world are not), then your goal is not to win, negotiate as you would a business deal (negotiate, sure, but with the realisation that both people are flawed individuals), lay down the law and assert your dominance....

Not saying that you are doing any of this... I just think that the ideal is what’s best for both of you - which may mean lose-lose, as in the termination of the relationship, or it may mean lose-lose as in you both accept fault...

I get that you’re in a weird state of limbo at the moment and hurting though.... I think further down the road one would prefer to look back as having been a bit more accepting of someone who ultimately was not right, than having asserting their will over someone and wondered “what if ?.....

I was going to ask a while back something but then you and dng seemed to get on a roll.

What precipitated her thinking you were cheating? I believe you when you say you didn’t, but I wonder if you are close (in a non-romantic way) with the person she accused you of cheating with? Humans are designed to be sensitive to not just their relationship with another, but with that other’s relationship with others...

I hope this is sensitive enough as you are in a very - uncertain - time.. I get that there had been a lot of conflict with her accusations and disorder and medication adherence etc etc. so I hope this doesn’t come across as overly judgmental. My heart goes out to you.

ps if she calls you to hear your voice, talk to her... even if things don’t work out, she’s still a human being.

take care Unsure.

[Unsure77]

Back in October last year I was sending her a lot of messages wishing she was with me and my kids on holiday, her daughter went into labour premature(very premature) but any way I sent a lot of messages and on one of the days she told me to F off leave here alone don't contact me any more. I was upset angry all the emotions that go with being told that I contacted a person I was seeing before her and was texting her asked to see a explicit picture of her which I was told no and have never spoken to her since. The problem lies in that I kept sending my ex partner messages saying I loved her and I would wait for her. It took about 6 weeks to hear back from my ex partner, not that's an excuse for what it did. She questioned me about it and I denied it not remembering that I had even done that 6 months later. She had gone through my phone seen the old text messages and asked me about it, but not remembering doing it I denied it. You may ask why didn't you remembering it, I used to be a very heavy drinker until I January . (Still no excuse) but because I denied it for so long it drove my ex into a huge depression. We have spoken today and says she will never be able to get that out of her head thinking she was never good enough for me and why did I do that. She said today she loves me and wantse but could never trust me again. How do I In some way even get her to trust me again? Mistakes have been huge and it has killed us and me let alone destroyed her.

[Unsure77]

I forgot to emotion that in that period she was in hospital herself which I didn't know about wasn't told.

[Here2Talk]

Sorry Unsure, just having difficulty following the people in this narrative. As I understand,

back in October you sent your now ex fiancée messages, when you were on holiday with your kids. ex fiancées daughter went into labour, you sent messages to which she eventually said F off. You then were upset and texted another woman you used to date asking for explicit picture and saying you loved her etc.

What did you mean by wait for her??

were you separated from your current ex fiancée when you were texting? Or not talking since she told you to F off?

[Unsure77]

Sorry I asked the lady I text for explicit pictures, while I was still telling my ex fiancé I loved her. I didn't hear from my ex fiancé for nearly 6 weeks when she told me to F off. When she found out I had text this other lady she said we were still together which I didn't think we were being told to F off. I continued to send my ex fiancé messages saying I will wait for her and I loved her over the 6 weeks I didn't hear from her not knowing if I ever would again.

[Guest9337]

Evening U77!

Sounds like a bit of a bomb shell hit there matey.

Did you go through ur situation think/feel options and responses again? Did it help?...

still here still reading.. love dng.

[Unsure77]

Hi dng

it sure did, she has since says she loves me and wants me but will never trust me. But she continues to message me which is great asking what I'm doing and who I'm with. Continues to say I need to move on find somebody else. So I'm very confused.