Feeling let down

[Mishy4]

i have been the cater for my husband who was diagnosed with anxiety approximately seven years ago.  We worked with the dr and psychologist.  He was put on medication and learnt to deal with his anxiety. 

 last year after dealing with a few issues he was in a depressed state.  His medication was changed to deal with this.  

 April last year my daughter had been self harming, bulimic and also suffering depression.  We eventually found an adolescent psychologist for her and she was put on medication.  This year however she made a couple of suicide attempts.

This was the straw that broke the camels back with me.  I could no longer cope as the carer and found myself talking to a psychologist who helped me immensely to work through these issues.  I learnt to let go of the guilt and realize my daughters actions were her own and not something I should take the blame for.

 after getting myself nearly back on my feet my husband unbeknown to me took himself off his medication as he thought he was better  .  Two weeks after he went away with a group had a massive meltdown he returned home to be diagnosed with

severe depression, anxiety and stress.   

This in toll has pulled the rug from under me again.   He relies very heavily on me when in these states.  He returned the quiet loving person I knew nearly twelve months ago.   Within four weeks he had returned to the aggressive

abusive person I had been dealing with for twelve months.  After four weeks I could no longer cope and went away for time out.  On returning it hit me.  after research we found it was his medication.  after talking to his dr immediately he was changed and returned to the person I used to know.

i now however am bearing the scars.  Trying very hard to move on but need help.   I have explained to him at the moment I need reassurance and a bit more time from him.   Something he is not willing to give.  He is self employed and busy.   I appreciate he is busy but it is a family business and we have workmen that can do the job also.  But he is not willing to have the time off when I have days where I tell him I need him.  This has left me

feeling very alone and distraught.  I have been told by him that he doesn't want to get into giving me too much time as I will expect it all the time.  I don't know where to go from here as I feel I've helped him so much in the past and now he's not there for me.  

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[Doolhof]

Hi Mishy4 and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you are able to look around at some of the other posts and see if you can gain any information or help from matters that have been discussed relating to relationships.

It certainly sounds like you have been trying so very hard for your husband and your daughter. I know how much it hurts when you give so much to others and then there is little TLC sent your way when you need it in return!

Is there some way you can make the most of some time out by yourself? I like to take off for a weekend, to the beach or the river, my favourite places and just chill out. I take along a book, some craft or nothing and just do what ever I want to do.

I have realised that no matter how much I need it, there are people in my life who are not able to provide me with care emotionally or even when I am physically ill. Even though I have given so much of myself for them.

Sometimes I go and have a massage and that makes me feel better, as at least someone is doing something nice for me! Ha. Ha.

Could you ask your husband to just go with you for a meal and maybe a movie. Start off small and maybe it might eventuate into something bigger and more lasting.

Do you have a close family member or a girl friend you can spend time with? I know it is not the same as being with your husband which is your desire, but sometimes our guys are not able to give us all we need.

Maybe he is showing you that he loves you by his work and by providing for you. I don't know, that could be part of it.

We all have different personalities and desires. I think at times my husband believes I need to be there for him because he is the bloke and I am the female and it is my role to care for him.

I hope you can find a balance in your life. Keep seeing the psychologist for as long as you need to, and find ways to look after yourself and enjoy your own company.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Mishy, I'm pleased that Mrs. Dools has replied to you, but it's one of those posts that slips through the cracks and we miss it.

You certainly have a great deal to cope with and I'm not sure whether your daughter or your husband has you worried more, although you post that it's your husband and this could be because you are probably in more contact with him rather than your daughter, in any case both are significant in your life.

Your husband is no different than many others who believe that they are feeling so much better, and this is only because of the medication, however he wants to stop taking his meds because he feels better, but this is an enormous mistake, because what happens is exactly what has happened with your husband, they fall back into depression.

Antidepressants are not lolly tablets they have a great deal of work to do to all of us, and should never be decided upon by the patient whether they take them or stop taking them, this is up to the doctor who will be monitoring his condition and therefore know if he/she believes that it is OK to stop them, no one else should ever do this.

He is acting just like a friend, where we help them as much as possible in anything they need, but when the tables are turned around they are no one to be seen, they do a runner, and that's why we want nothing to do with them any more.

So what do you do about your husband being so self-fish, and I'm sorry to say that, but really he is only looking after himself, and in a marriage this is definitely a big no no, because it makes us lose trust and faith in them.

What would happen if you told him that you wanted to go away and have time out from him which is probably what you need to do, but then I'm not sure how you will handle your daughter who is still an adolescent and may not feel comfortable staying with your husband, so I am curious for your own sake about these last couple of issues, and hope that you can definitely get back to us. L Geoff. x