Being pushed away

[291288]

I was with my partner for 9 months.Everything was fine for the first 6 months.She has been diagnosed with 'Manic Depression' for 5-6 years.She was on meds at age 18(shes now 23).She doesnt want to go on them now as shes scared it will 'take away the little piece thats left of her' yet she often would tell me she doesnt know who she is anymore.She often told me i was her 'savior' and the 'one consistent thing in her life' and would see me every day.She would often try and make me feel guilty if I did not.I think I was part of the reason she sought help with her first psyc 5 months ago.She had 8sessions.Unfortunately,the psyc  told her she was ok and had enough 'strategies' and support from me.I though this was a bad move but tried being positive.Few months passed and fights turned nasty and into threats of self harm.She would constantly tell me all she wanted from me was 'love and affection'. She has had a hard upbringing and an unsupportive family but I cant help but feel she has pushed them out as opposed to the other way around like I got told.She broke up with me about a month ago as a fight got misinterpreted and she thought i had 'manhandled her'.I was simply trying to hold her and calm her down as she was trying to self harm.She sent nasty messages,told me I 'preyed on her because she was vulnerable and needed love'. 2days later she asked me to call her because she 'missed my voice' this turned into a meet up.During those two days she had a fight at home and left. She still sent nasty texts to me 'you never loved me, im so stupid i didnt see that you were an image of what i thought i wanted'.I pleaded with her saying it wasn't true.When I finally felt defeated I said I'll have to accept your thoughts and move on.suddenly her words changed to 'see, you dont even fight for us,your so quick to leave when it gets hard'. Recently she had an episode and I copped a lot of verbal abuse and sat there and did nothing.I left and said it was over.I got nasty txts saying i did her a favour as she was scarred to leave me because she thought she wanted me but she doesnt and id appreciate if you dont reply etc. I have not replied and Im not sure whether I should.I care about her and want her to know that but afraid if i contact her too soon it'll push her away even more because she is still in a negative mind frame.Dont want my silence to be her power if her though process is' shes not replying. Left in hard times again. 'Any suggestions?

[CrashCoyote]

Hi 291288,

Thank you for posting.

I respond to a lot of posts on here and normally it would seem like the issues are those of your partner, but I don't feel like that is the case here.

Clearly your partner has issues and I guess if she wants to get help she can do so. What I see here is that you are in an abusive relationship. No matter what issues your partner has, they are not an excuse for you to be a victim. All of us stand by our loved ones and endure quite a bit when times are rough, but there needs to be light at the end of the tunnel.

You have described being manipulated and abused and now she says she doesn't want to hear from you. If things could get patched up, would you want to build a life with this lady?

You have asked for suggestions and I offer two. First, have you considered talking to a professional about this for yourself? Two, don't answer the text!

Kind regards, John.

[geoff]

dear Numbers, welcome to the site.

Well how can I say this, because it's a cat and mouse situation, because she seems to just lure you in and once she has you, she then pushes you away again.

This is not going to benefit either of you and what her psych told her ' she was ok and had enough 'strategies' and support from me', well how wrong can you get, maybe he/she didn't have the skills to be able to consult her, so they wiped their hands of her, maybe I'm being a bit rash, but by the way she has been behaving she needs some help.

I am not sure that your silence will be her power, because when we have depression we don't consider any event to have power over anyone, we feel as though that once we have pushed someone away, then that,s all we want.

I understand that you care about her, but unless she seeks help from somewhere else, it's going to be a love hate relationship, and not a steady one to pursue.

I hope that I haven't upset you by saying all of this. Geoff.

[291288]

Thnks for replying JOhn

Wow..thats smacked me in the face a little bit…in shock…Im not sure what I want..all I feel at the moment is somewhat guilt (and I have read up about this)She's lying to herself, her friends and her family..and now me..and it hurts. I truly felt as though I could help her get through and now I can't and she's pushed me away in an angry manner believing truly that its me..i feel numb…I want to reply even after she's been so hurtful and nasty because I can't stop believing that wasn't her..its her illness. Ive read such conflicting things on the net about supporting loved ones.I feel as though she is setting me up, testing my worth and how much I can endure before Im 'just like everyone else thats left'..how do I show I still care but won't be treated like this? Words can't even describe...

She managed to Facebook a friend of mine pretending she was selling my xmas gifts online yesterday asking if she wanted it. My friend replied nicely that was mine and we needed to sort our stuff out together because I care about her. Her reply was 'there are two sides to every story, you don't know what she put me through, if she cares she has a funny way of showing it'… I just don't understand how she's i this mind frame and if I should still continue to not reply..Shes obviously wanting me to reply but is too proud to show or ask it(and this is a big part of who she has always been)how do I see the difference between her crying out for help or really not wanting me anymore?….

[291288]

Thanks for replying

Yes I agree because I have seen her vulnerable side and her breakdown when none else has with the look of fear and urgency in her eyes almost begging me to help fix her..its heartbreaking…and then to get pushed away so nastily and angrily..even though i said I had to leave her..its somehow been flicked back on me and Im left feeling like her hatred towards me is because I've 'abandoned her' almost like everyone else has like she used to tell me...

When will she start realising that this isn't what she wants? because up until a few hours before the argument and I left she was saying such nice stuff and how much she loves me and appreciates my support etc…Cant help but feel like she's now testing me to see how much Im there for her and I constantly repeated myself over and over to her over the past 6 months about how I'm here for her..and now i feel all my efforts have gone to waste in a blink of an eye because she's now adament I'm like everyone else and i didn't ever care. I feel bad that I still havnt replied (as much as its killing me not too) as I feel bad its sending her a message that i don't care and I've turned my back too and I know thats one thing under all her hard exterior that hurts her the most..

Think Im more confused as to whats her, whats her depression and whats her frustration she feels alone….

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again 291288,

I am sorry if my reply was confronting. I probably could have couched it better. I have been in such a relationship and it nearly destroyed me. Too much isn't enough for people like this. It is sad because they are damaged and if they could sort their own stuff, probably be able to enjoy a loving relationship.

Nonetheless, I had three years of okay with occasional highs, and four years of misery before it ended. I would never want to go through that again and would hope none of my children ever experience such a dysfunctional relationship.

Can I recommend a book you can find online for free? "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. It is for women but the message applied to both sexes. All of deserve to get back the love we give to partners.

I am happy to keep an eye out for your posts and hope you can get to a better place.

Kind regards, John.

[291288]

No not at all. I guess I'm making excuses for her and need some reality thrown in my face.

What do you mean by 'too much isn't enough for people like this'...

Guss Im struggling where to draw the line..after everything I still feel I need and want to help her..Im getting told I did all I could but I feel somewhat guilty I know I have more strength than she does and I need to use that for her aswell….

Im tempted to txt her short and sweet saying something along the lines of I'm thinking of you, or like i never wanted to leave, i still don't and I never will…not sure what that might achieve..maybe give her something as I know her pride is in the way and she won't want to txt me in case that leaves her exposed and vulnerable again...

Thanks for the book advice. Where can I find it? I'll do anything at the moment

[CrashCoyote]

Hi again 291288,

Thanks for your reply.

My comment relates to the emotional unavailability of people like your ex. They are like jelly in your hand. The more you try to hold on to them the less you get. What you want to give her, whilst seeming normal to you (and many) is the thing that terrifies her. The harder you try to please her, the more she is pushed away.

You would not want to be the type of person she could be with, because you would not be prepared to treat someone you love poorly, which is what she responds to.

The book I recommended is available as a free PDF download. Google the title and it is about the third one on the first page. I strongly recommend you read it.

I do understand your wish to make contact and I tried this in my case. It was like picking at a scab, just painful and making the healing slower. Read the book and if you still want to contact her after that, do it. I reckon you won't want to.

Kind regards, John.